Living out of a suitcase

Though we try to make our days "normal" for our family of four, we still find it filled with a slew of appointments or putting out fires for and with our foster son – truth be told, I often feel like my foster son's full-time secretary of defense and calendar planner. As parents we are called to fight for what's best for our children and sometimes we are heard, or see steps toward healing and progress, and sometimes we feel like we have experienced a setback. 

In the midst of trying to make our days feel normal I often get shook up by surprise. Sometimes it's a phone call telling us something we have understood is no longer valid – that's when the rug feels pulled out from under us. Sometimes it's a moment when our foster son reminds us of his past through his fierce behavior or even in a sweet time we share.

Just yesterday, as both of our little guys were packing their suitcases for a weekend visit with friends so that we can celebrate our wedding anniversary, I popped my head into each room to see how they were coming along. (Packing is a step in many ways which we are giving our boys more responsibility for themselves.)

Our biological son finished quick – and I should've known there was a reason to that rhyme. He is a master at taking his time with most tasks. He filled his suitcase with clothes from his dirty laundry basket – underwear and socks included! Seriously? Where have I gone wrong with this child I thought. Most days we find ourselves enamored by his intelligence and imagination ... why does he think dirty clothes is a smart way to pack?

Then I popped my head into our foster son's room and he was zipping his suitcase up. I double-checked his packing job and it was perfect. Everything he needed for the weekend and a few extras. He is a very smart child as well yet opposite of his brother in some ways – doing most things quick and right the first time. I pulled out my camera phone and told him I wanted to take a picture of each of them with their suitcases to remember the first time they've ever packed by themselves. Then my world slowed down all of a sudden with our foster son's response, "This isn't the first time I've packed a suitcase." Wow – I stand corrected. Flashbacks of him sharing his transient life before coming to live in our arms are suddenly remembered. 

No wonder our biological son doesn't know that dirty underwear and socks aren't great options for packing. I have always packed for him and washed his clothes before we gave him these added responsibilities. 

And no wonder our foster son packed so perfectly – he has moved through five families while in foster care before moving into our home. He has told us of his many moves his biological family made in his short years before that too. Then another memory of him sharing his fears early on strikes my heart again. He once had questioned if he moved back home, where would he go? How would he get all of his stuff on the local bus? How would they get the money they needed for gas, to wash clothes, and buy food? Many months ago we found him still hoarding onto new clothes and toys we have given him because he was saving it for the next place. He wanted to be sure to have a nice outfit with the tags still on. We have showed him that he needs to enjoy these things, eat the food we have and when we run out or gets worn out it can be replaced. Just because it's gone doesn't mean it's gone forever. Just because I went away for a work conference a couple weeks ago for three days doesn't mean I am gone forever. Just because there may be family issues that arise where one of us may have showed frustration doesn't mean you have to fear safety or protect yourself. We always are connected by our heart strings and unconditional love which God modeled for us. Needs can be restored and we always return as a family.

He doesn't have to hold on to those fears in our home, but the memories are still very strong remnants of what his life path used to look like. I asked him to place his hands in mine and as I looked into his deep, beautiful eyes. I tried to go deeper with him to reflect his feelings of what it was like to live in such a transient world. All he could muster up in that moment was say his memories are of sad and scary times. I reminded him that we hope the last time he has to pack to move to a family was the time he packed to come into our arms. With possible adoption rounding the corner, we hope this step will help him feel more secure as he hopefully becomes a part of our family legally in the Fall which can't come soon enough.

Moving ahead is hard, but doing it together

What we need right now is stability from the court. In the meantime, we can offer our children stability in what we have control over – our schedule, faith, and character. In the adoption process, though, there is so much waiting for final answers so forward movement in the heart can happen. Though our foster son's ties to his first family won't be lost, it will forever be different, and gaining a family in the middle of that healing is a gift he's not sure how to receive. Pictured is one of the last times he called us by our first names. The last 3+ weeks it is more often he calls us Mommy and Daddy and it blesses our souls to be integral people in his life.

Court progress
Back in November, I prayed to God asking for any update on the process and the very next day we got an answer! Our foster son's case manager said she had turned in the paperwork verifying they have sought out all family members who could be approved to take in this child in order to raise him in a healthy, safe, and loving environment. It's now been determined adoption is to happen outside of the related family. So we as his foster parents get the next option to take him in and we are thrilled to do so. Termination of parental rights (TPR) will be approaching soon and then we can move forward with the adoption application, after yet one last opportunity for the related family to appeal the ruling. We were originally told the date could be in January, but with no word yet it could be February now for TPR. We do have another panel review in court this month so perhaps we'll hear more of an update then. The court date could be 2-3 months out depending on how backed up court is. However we are praying it will happen sooner! We expect the adoption to be final by May, hopefully. Thank the Lord for answering our prayers each step of the way.

Moving ahead is hard for our son
While we wait for the legal process of adoption to move forward, we know we must do our part to move ahead in our home as it is essential for healing. Yet so many days our little guy is torn between the love and chaos of his past and his love and hope for the future.
- He often times voices his desire for both worlds to work.
- He has wondered if his mother could move into his bedroom so we could take care of her too.
- He has wondered if the judge could change his mind after a ruling or if in time he could eventually return to his first home.

Hearing these desires is difficult for us as parents because we know his desires often are not what's best for him. Isn't this true of us as God's children as well? We don't see how the past was not healthy or not normal, and we don't see the big picture for our future. Only God knows and He is sovereign. As our child learns to trust us for his future, we trust in the only One who can bring full restoration and hope for him.

Moving ahead is hard for us
Moving ahead despite the obvious hardships is unconditional, but it hasn't been easy for us. Sure this child of God is incredibly easy to love, to picture him as a part of our family forever, coming home for the holidays when he's an adult, watching him flourish in his life relationships, and grow as man of God. There are many times, though, especially since October when it's been difficult to see the big picture that God sees, past the daily battles which seem to linger longer than our energy, patience, and understanding. Though we strive to learn everything we can about loving a child from a hard place, the psychology of re-training his brain to understand what healthy love and relationships look like, and have stepped into parent-coaching classes while he gets intensive therapy, many moments we doubt our judgement in how to implement what we've learned.

- We sometimes are not sure how long these more intense days will last or if we are really making a difference in his healing.
- What about his threats that are really cries out for us to see if we are still here, how far will they go?
- We certainly can't handle all his pain on our own. It is complex and deep, but we know God is bigger. He just has to be willing to surrender, will he?

Sure we see the impact on the good days, but it's in the hard ones we feel we are sinking and God asks where is your faith? I AM here. Bring your flasks for oil and I will fill again and again. This battle is the Lord's and He will fight for him, for us. We just need to have faith in His timing and His sovereignty to meet all of our needs – our foster son's needs, our bio son's needs, my husbands, and mine. We are all in this. 

Trying to understand
Though he comprehends the main reason why he was placed in foster care, he doesn't acknowledge all the poor lifestyle choices that led his family to this dark and broken place. He knows he will be adopted and though he loves us he still holds on to his first family in many ways.

- He has learned that adults need to learn how to put their own two feet under them by getting the help they need. Adults must begin making healthy changes in their own lives before they can be responsible for any others.
- He doesn't understand how years of poor choices for the parents themselves or for the children being raised has taken its toll on all in the home in every aspect – spiritual, mental, physical, and verbal. Or how that means he will be digging through those experiences, learning which of those is good and which is bad, for years to come, steps at a time.
- He doesn't yet understand that we really do love him UNconditionally, though we've shown it time and time again through each test he puts us through for eight months now.
- He doesn't understand yet that his grief and anger means he is really scared, sad, and feels he must take on his own protection.
- Though he has asked Jesus into his heart a couple months ago and we celebrated baptism with him this Christmas Eve, he questions how he can have so much anger inside and still be a child of God. The gift of grace is too simple and he feels too complex, but he really wants the Lord to help him along. He will one day truly see that his heavenly Father is there each step of the way for him to lean on.

New Year's resolutions
Though the inner struggles will be there for his wrestling for many years, the Lord gives us new mercies with each new day. And a new day has come upon us with the rising of 2013. His New Year resolutions which he came to us with are so beautiful and telling of the hope growing in him.

He had three:
1. Spend time in the Word each morning for five minutes
2. Pray to God each day to help with anger
3. Give 10% to God

How beautiful, right? And on this third day, he's still committed to them. One step at a time his hope grows and the Holy Spirit is at work. This is what we hold on to while we move ahead, together.