Recommended Reading: Telling the Truth

As part of maintaining an approved status of Foster Parent through Bethany Christian Services, my husband and I must each do 20 training hours each year. If we were adoptive parents I believe it would be 10 hours/ea./yr. for training. Yes that can seem rigorous to some, but you can't trade the knowledge you take-in on some great books I've come across, training videos of adopted children who now speak as adults about their life growing up, and in-person classes we've experienced.
So, though the time is required, I have found some key points invaluable, and worth sharing with you.
From time to time I'll share these here.

Telling the Truth to your Adopted or Foster Child: Making sense of the Past

Authors: Betsy Keefer and Jayne E. Schooler

I found this book on the shelf of our local library and noted some very key information that has helped us as we prepare our foster child on the journey. I’ve noted some points we took away as practical for all of us as we go day by day:

• Learn to be alert for anniversary reactions. As with other grief reactions, the child may begin to experience anniversary reactions at the time of his birthday or his adoption or significant histories in their lives. Instead of allowing the child to suffer in silence with these feelings, parents should anticipate the child’s feeling and help him express it. Because the child will rarely bring up the subject of adoption, parents should look for opportunities to let children know they are not threatened or angry about questions regarding birth family and history.

• Let children know they can love two sets of parents. Because children at this stage (8-12 years) are concerned about fairness and loyalty, they are likely to believe that they are disloyal to the adoptive family if they have feelings, or even questions, about the birth family; they do not have to choose. Explaining to the child that adults are allowed to love more than one child in a family can alleviate some of that struggle.

• When children aren’t talking about adoption, don’t assume they aren’t thinking about it. Adoptive parents sometimes interpret children’s reluctance to discuss adoption as an indication that they know their story.

• Try to keep from responding to the child’s anger with more anger. If parents can understand that much of their child’s anger is generated by his “rejection” by others in their lives, and not aimed at them, they might not over-respond to angry outbursts. When an angry teen asserts that he wants to leave the family, try to hear this as a question instead of a statement. He is not saying, “I am leaving!” He is asking, “Will you keep me, no matter what? Will you abandon me too?”

• Some adoptive parents have encouraged children to make Mother’s Day cards for the birth mothers to be kept in a special scrapbook. These can be saved and later given to the birth mother if a reunion occurs at some point in the child’s future. Merely making such cards for the birth mother seems to help many adopted children express feelings and cope more effectively during this difficult time.

• Don’t try to “fix” the pain of adoption.  All parents try to naturally try to protect their children from pain. However, adoptive parents must recognize that their child must experience some pain in the normal resolution of adoption-related grief. The only way “out” is “through.”

• Don’t impose value judgements on the information of past history. The child’s feelings for, or memories of, the birth family may alter his perception of events. And his need to have positive feelings for his birth family will definitely color his perceptions.

• A child should have control of telling his story outside the immediate family. Remember that the history belongs to the child, not to the adoptive parents. If friends or extended family memners ask about sensitive information, simply tell them that the information belongs to the child. They can ask him about it when he is old enough to understand their questions. Explain that some people don’t have a lot of experience with adoption and might ask insensitive questions or make ridiculous remarks.

1.     Discuss questions people might ask and the situations the child might encounter.

2.     Talk about what information should be shared. (as simple as name, origin, and date they joined the family could be enough; others need to respect boundaries.)

• Children most often know the truth – the lived it,” comments Greg Keck, an internationally recognized authority on attachment and bonding. “We need to validate their truth, document their truth, and when possible, show them the truth. Trauma is subjective. Therefore, we must present the facts as they were, and then it becomes the child’s job to reframe it, repackage it, and put it together in their understandable form.” Keck said, “I think that in our efforts to protect hurt children, we often hurt them more. Somehow we want things to be nice or seem nice. I think that as a result of this, we want to reframe things so that they are comfortable enough for us to tolerate. In doing this, we often leave [children] incomplete, confused, and more unclear that they were. We as parents often want to change our child’s past reality. That is not our job,” Keck pointed out.

• The book also offers ways to share age-appropriate information to a child on various issues like drugs and physical abuse, and other forms which may have placed them in care.

• Tools are outlined to aid interactive communication from parent to child like a lifebook, life map, eco map, family tree, family collage, bibliotherapy/videos, pretend play with a phone or puppets, tell or write a story, pick a feeling card, card game to help them understand various adult roles in life (foster/adoptive family and professional), and write a letter or journal.

• Understand in Transracial adoption – listen more, talk less. Be the bridge builder and be ok that I can’t be a part of their culture that doesn’t include you. You need to understand your child’s experience, not direct the action.

The above points sum up all that we took from the book and are learning or continuing to apply. I would recommend this book for potential and current foster and adoptive parents.

Pray with us to move mountains

I know prayer works and moves mountains! 
Though names and details must remain discreet I ask that your prayers be as specific as possible, in trust that God knows every detail.

While we love through this undetermined season 
and wait to know if we can adopt this child, please pray:

• The Lord's will for a "forever family" for this child is determined soon, either through his biological family or ours through adoption. That we would trust God alone for the best outcome He desires. That the many unknown factors will come to light and best reality for the child will be considered by all involved, and that God would prepare his heart to be ready for the family He will provide him.

• That both of our sons will have a tender heart for the Lord to work in – that no matter where life takes him he will know that Jesus is beside him every step of the way – and he would come to know Jesus as his Lord and Savior. Pray also that God transform his life and heart so that he would be able to forgive those who have wronged him.

• That we will remain his last home – he has already experienced four foster homes before moving in with us. We have committed to be here for him as long as he needs us so he can have stability and love which is required to build the self-esteem needed to grow into a responsible, caring adult.

• Pray that God would draw this child’s biological family to Himself and that they would
experience the life transformation only God can give.

• Pray that his current therapy will continue to progress so that he's able to deal with entrenched pain and move toward restoration and healing.

• Pray that as he begins a new year at a new school that he will make a few solid, healthy friendships and be able to focus on his schoolwork and do his best. 

• That Steve and I will would have wisdom and would experience God’s grace as we parent
our children.

• That we as a family receive the support we need from our communities where we live, work, school, worship, and play.

“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened
to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who
knocks it will be opened.”
—Matthew 7:7-8 NASB

Loving through the roller coaster process

We know that as foster parents there's a chance we are only in this child's life for a season. Still we live each day as if he's ours forever by giving him 100% of our unconditional love, through raising him to know God beyond his former circumstances, to be known as one of God's adopted children, and possibly adopted into a family whose mission in life is to help him know, love, and serve the Lord with all of his heart.

Giving of ourselves worth every second
We give though we know we may never receive – doesn't that reflect God's amazing grace?

I took off four weeks of work when he first moved in with us to help him know we are truly HERE for him, that we care about every detail that makes him who he is, and will love him as he works through past hurts.
> I fully believe this is part of why we've had such a great beginning and foundation for love and trust with one another. Prayers covering all of us is the greater cause behind the beauty of it all.

I volunteered at our church's VBS and moved my older son down to our foster son's grade level for the week so that we could worship, learn, and play together.
> Two months later, my heart smiles when I hear both of our boys belting out the words to the music learned that week – as they sing truths of the Lord's greatness. 

Steve and I sat outside his Sunday School classroom on the floor with him for five weeks until he felt comfortable with all the new faces that lie beyond the glass door.
> Now we see him actively participating and excited about bringing his new Bible to church and also sitting with us in worship as a family. He also occasionally joins us in family prayer and let me tell you the prayers of a child are a beautiful reminder of the faith God asks of us – and the prayer of a child who is thankful for the security, love, trust, and safety he has in the moment is even more precious.

We have taken responsibility to help therapists, case workers, and specialists involved to know him deeper. Deeper than what's on paper or more hidden than what his professional diagnosis may be. We have been vigilant in helping them see our foster son on a day-to-day level, and have been the information gate for helping them understand the entrenched issues and pain that have arised in a conversation or activity we face.
> After five weeks of therapy, the first six weeks was a difficult transition as we weren't supplied a steady therapist group, he is finally willing to talk on a deep-rooted level that deals with past hurts and new revelations.

We have asked for special exceptions so that my mom could be approved to watch our foster son in her home, in addition to our home. While we waited for my mom's house to be approved, she sacrificed time away from her husband while she lived with us for five weeks of the summer so she could be there early in the morning as Steve and I left for work.
> We have seen these weeks of remaining summer to be valuable times of bonding, building trust, and one-on-one time he can't get in a daycare.

Still, as we hope for him to be forever a part of our family, we get a few reminders along the way that this may not be the reality, and it saddens me.

Our most recent reminder was just this morning when I heard from his case worker that we shouldn't plan our surprise trip to Disney World in the Fall. Because as we love and wait, we just don't know how long this season is. Forget the logistics of asking off from work, and reserving space at a hotel, and purchasing tickets, the sadness that overwhelmed me is because we want to give to him everything we can while he's part of our family and we are told to hold off.

Prayer moves mountains – please pray with us

Schooling the parents

We are gearing up for school and trying to prepare our new seven-year-old for the second grade, while getting our 8-year-old ready for third, and figuring out how to juggle school dynamics of the two different schools they'll be attending. To help acclimate our foster son to the after-school program he'll be attending, we dropped him off today for a school prep day. A day where the class, along with his foster brother, are going to the movies and a picnic. We thought it would be fun as well as give him a head start in getting comfortable with a new environment, right? Hopefully the end of the day will have better results than the beginning of our day today. No matter how much prep work we do in conversation, repetition, expressing upcoming schedules for the week/day, we as the parents are being schooled and we still have a lot to learn.

As a parent of a child who had seven years of a background I may know details about but haven't experienced his pain, sorrow, depression, I find it a challenge to balance recognizing where he's still hurting and healing compared to what should be defined and upheld as the standard for how you live, love, and respect within a family dynamic.

This morning within a 30-minute time span he threw out ten refusals to me. I realize when school actually starts next week we're going to have a difficult time getting out the door and on the school bus, so we'll need to back up wake up time in the a.m. and sleep time the night before, which again he's not going to understand the need for. His stubbornness, pride, and control builds into a stonewall when patience runs low, time runs short to deal with his negative responses, or when he doesn't get his way. Just like most children he wants to assert his will – but his negative response lasts a lot longer and is more intense than most who don't come from his once chaotic background.

This mornings refusals were adamant NO's to what shirt he will wear for the field trip that's required, whether he will choose to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner or not and then attempt to guilt me for not providing for his needs because he can, whether he will say please or yes mam, whether he will stand in the corner for time out, whether he will turn around in the corner, whether he will even go to day care for the school prep day, and ended with him stopping short of walking into the classroom full of new faces. What's out of character for him is not his defiancy, but the number of NO's he demanded in the short amount of time. Two days ago he pushed and pushed for us to buy him a skull decorated item – either for his book bag, a notebook, a door knocker, and on a pair of flip flops. I know skulls are trendy right now, ranging in iconic style in black/white and pink with bows on them for the girls. But I have put my foot down and am repeatedly having to tell him no to any bad guys, scary toys, and skulls. He doesn't understand how we are protecting his mind and heart from things that are not pure, lovely, and good.

Often times we question how hard we are on him or if we're not tough enough. The line is a fine and  delicate one – we pray for God's discernment as parents to help us be wise in drawing it. He has lived in our home for eleven weeks now so the things he still chooses to control are things he fully knows our expectation of. We give him choices in how he wants to do what we've asked so both parties still get it done, but sometimes the choices aren't enough. How do you help a child see their pride? How do you help a child see that the issue they're holding on to may not be the battle they really want to control, but there's a deeper battle within from past hurt?

I imagine I will pick him up today and he will talk all about the wonderful day they had together at his soon-to-be aftercare program. He will have forgotten about the adamant defiance he exhibited this morning. Maybe the rest of the evening we'll have one or two more battles and we'll start fresh tomorrow with new mercies like our Lord gives. Right now we take it one step at a time and are working on two days with no negative response from him as we teach him our response and love should not be conditional to what happens in our lives – through the good and bad.

So though we may feel like we're going back to parenting school as we learn from trial and error how to parent two boys, but it's really God who is the teacher to us through it all. The Lord shows his unconditional compassion and love to me when I am defiant, stubborn, prideful, and unwilling. I'm just passing along how my Father above parents me – the best I know how. I hope He gets a few laughs and smiles at the beauty of it all.

Signs of the times

Years ago I found myself driving by a sign off the side of the road which caught my attention on my daily commute home. I thought to myself I should bring my DSLR camera with me to work the following day and grab a shot of it - but that was before the convenience of camera phones so it never happened. It was a gigantic white sign with blue letters that spelled out for passersby, "Progress is coming!" It caught my eye because it was posted in front of an abandoned, dilapidated home that I'm sure has many stories from years past lying within. Soon to be bulldozed over for city improvements I was guessing – what other progress could it be referring to?

Whatever your measure of progress is it's generally measured by forward movement of some kind, a refreshing stance. Wikipedia shares that progress is the idea that the world can become increasingly better in terms of science, technology, modernization, liberty, democracy, quality of life, etc. Our family has been blessed and challenged in many ways for the last 11 weeks since we've welcomed in our foster son to our family.

And we are seeing progress:
Progress in learning how to parent two children;
Progress in our foster son's behavioral response when something doesn't go quite his way;
Progress in him opening up in therapy;
Progress in the incredible ways God has bonded us as a family which is so precious to watch; Progress in getting him registered for school and after care for the new school year approaching; and Progress in him learning more about his history and reality of his future so he can begin dealing with that.

Sigh. Progress - it's good!
Romans 12:12  Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.
Philippians 4:8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.

One other sign that caught my eye several years ago was at the intersection of some busy roads in the city where there was a new IKEA built. Atlanta is known for their hectic directing of traffic and this sign was so evident of our need for better road mapping. And I did grab a shot of this – if I find it I'll post it just in case you're a graphics nerd like me and find signs humorous. One arrow directed traffic to get on the ramp for I-85; the other arrow literally said, "All Other Roads This Way." Seriously? At that intersection there are people who need to get to side roads, I-75, and directions to move around the many one-way streets, and that's the clarity in guidance drivers are given? I'm thankful that in faith we can lean on the Lord though we can't see the route and destination and He will clearly direct.

Preparing hand-painted prayer reminders for our church

Our home was full of helping hands and willing hearts this weekend as members of our church came together to prepare hand-painted prayer reminders so that our church body can pray specifically for children who are in need of a safe and loving family.

We haven't officially kicked off the Orphan Care ministry, but rather reached out to families we know have a heart for caring for the orphan in some capacity. There were many new faces we didn't know because my partner leader invited her personal contacts. But it didn't matter that we seemed like a modge podge group because we had three connections that pulled us together instantly - Our love for God, for the orphan, and all members of the same church body.

Husbands claimed the first table of three for the project and worked hard hand painting shirts and pants for the clothespin dolls. We had a second table specifically focusing on hair, eyes, and skin tones, and a third table for the finishing details. I am so moved to see the organic desire of those in our church body to do something. The Orphan Care ministry will focus on community, education, and missions through our planned monthly meetings. Pray with me that we keep the momentum and families' hearts are tender and open to hear the Lord as he works in their lives to guide them in their role.

What a difference a day makes

What happens when you submit your plans to the Lord? He opens your heart for more than you thought you could handle or imagine. Sometimes that takes years, sometimes it takes only days.
This adoption journey has taken both.

We learned from others who've been down this adoption road that the journey is a lot of waiting. But then, seemingly out of the blue, waiting turns into rushing. And possibly then some more waiting.
• One day we were waiting for an adoption with an unknown timeframe.
• The next day we received a phone call from Bethany Christian Services asking us if we would be open to consider taking in a foster child, with the possibility of adoption. We prayed, and we listened.
• That week we learned more about the child's case and needs; felt God asking us to keep going.
• At the end of that week we met our foster son for lunch, and took him home the next day for a sleepover weekend.
• The following weekend he graced our home with his abundant smile, excitement, and need for consistent love and affirmation that everything is going to be ok – "God's got your back."

So there we were swarming around doing errands, final preps in our home for safety and to make him feel at home, planning summer camps and care, telling work my time off that I've saved up is going to be used quicker than we thought, asking family and friends to cover all of us in prayer, and beginning the meetings with case workers, therapists, and research on how to parent children with his background.

We are now five and a half weeks in after our foster son moved in and we know we are right where we are meant to be. I knew there would be ups and downs of course, but I'm not sure I realized how up and down a day in itself could be. My four weeks off with the boys has helped transitions, established routines, boundaries, and expectations of behavior so I'm thankful I had that time. The days are getting better as far as anger response, but a lot of what we taught seems to have gone in one ear and out the other – we have to remind ourselves that habits may have been established long before we met though. Overall, our boys are getting along well and we're all learning each day.

Raising two boys is fun. I get my fill of creature hunts, rock and stick collections, explorative hikes,  wrestling tickle matches and discovering them high up somewhere, usually in a tree or at the top of the stairs daring a jump to prove how tough they are. The hard part of parenting our foster child, whose last seven years we haven't known, is reaching the heart and making a difference despite the storms inside.
We know anger is pain in disguise – but children don't see it that way. Instead they live in the present while we help them heal from their past. So while every home-cooked meal may seem unappealing to our foster son who refuses to eat because it simply looks different; or if there's competition driven by jealousy in rewards earned or in a game our boys are playing; or in the pride that rises up in a young child so much so that he can't ask for something in a kind manner or be respectful because deep down he sees that as losing control; or when the storms inside are expressed through angry words to hurt those who desire to help you, we must remain patient. Patient with unending love, stability, and safety because they are key in helping him heal over time. Some children only need families for a little while, some need them for longer - whatever our season is with him we choose to love. It heals eventually. We hang on to that to get us through the tougher moments.

These nearly daily anger outbursts seem to be over little mundane issues - like what's fair, what's right, and if a child only cares about himself then what he gets or doesn't get is all that matters to him. But we know he has the unfortunate addition of former unhealthy relationships, deep losses a child shouldn't ever have to experience, and the ongoing pain that is related to all of it. But we also believe in the Lord who is above all and can overcome anything we cannot even imagine possible! 

Though we know God is walking beside us in this, we question our parenting – are we doing this right? Are we getting through? Does he know we love him unconditionally when we say we do, and does he believe it?

A friend shared with me that, "The Word of God is the only word that can change hopelessness into hope, hurt into healing, and distrust into a full embrace. Pray God's Word out loud over Him every day. God's Word can rescue his little heart!" What tremendous wisdom.

In the storms, there's real peace knowing you're where God wants you though there are many unknowns. Our Lord has a big picture heart – I'll keep hanging my heart on that so that our peace will remain.


Our summer so far has been full of activity: from nature camp where the boys get to stomp in creeks, discover the stars that God created, and cook biscuits using solar energy, to a camp taking care of animals who need a family to adopt them into their home, to a week of VBS (we listen to the CD every day in the car – yay!?), trips to the library, nearby parks, and times with friends and family at the pool and in the home. I hope these days don't pass in the heart of our boys – I hope these days are treasured memories, but more than that, times where our foster son can draw from as he grows into a young man. I hope these times will be etched into his heart as he remembers unconditional love and safety can exist in a family and within a relationship with God. 


I pray that these days are making a difference. Sometimes it takes years, sometimes it takes only days.