Moving over!

I have loved sharing with you my thoughts on all things adoption, Christian parenting, and navigating this life through faith. I hope you continue to follow me as I move my blog over to WordPress. Same thoughts spilling over the keyboard just a different format.

Follow me over to http://thehopkinsfam.wordpress.com

See ya there!

Kelly

Camper daze

Someone recently asked me if I was cropping my photos poorly. Truth is, I can't identify our foster son right now so this is what we can share with our friends online.

 Both of our son's experienced their first overnight camps this summer. Our foster son got to experience a camp structured solely for other foster and adoptive children his age. Later, they both got to travel, along with this mama, to a Royal Ambassador's camp while I was the official campus photog. that week.

Our foster son led the prayer here with his brother and friends who joined him at camp during Worship.

We prayed this first extended time away from us, a full week's worth from his family, would be a blessing to our foster son. Days full of laughter, memories, understanding that there are other foster children like him – 8,020 in Georgia to be a close estimate – would give him a fresh perspective on what God has in store for him despite the challenging circumstances he has had to stumble through in his short life.

We prayed that he wouldn't have any anxiety that we might not be here for him when he returned, that when he laid his head down at night he knew we were waiting for him at his home sweet home. Unfortunately, too many times before he met us when he or a foster family left for a period of time, the next thing he knew he was returned to a different address. Issues were sugar coated or he was shown that's how you deal with hard seasons, you just walk away. Not us, big boy. We are here for you – always. Family sticks it through, works it through, and prays it through – we will always walk together toward the Lord's leading.

Two days in to the camp week for foster/adoptive kids our other son said, "I sure do miss the lil' guy, or the big guy in my case!"

And two days before camp began, our foster son had gotten frustrated at emptying his seat in the car of things he made at another camp because it would take two trips in to the house.
That turned into 1 1/2 hours of tantrum while we had friends we haven't seen in 2 years coming over for dinner.  Of course, when we break down it's always perfect timing, isn't it? He threw every verbal and physical threat at us he could and finished with packing his bags, not for camp, but for good because he was done with us – the expectation of cleaning up after himself felt like too much to him.

And this isn't the first time this has happened. How do you ever put away emotions you feel from your life being turned upside down? You don't, but we are all trying to help him discover better ways to respond, and learning quite a few things for ourselves through his therapy. When he came home to unpack his camp bags we asked him to also unpack his other belongings he packed up in a fuss and he did just that.

He's learning you don't just walk away in the hard seasons. We are all learning how to love unconditionally together; how to keep from hurting one another with words or actions no matter how we are feeling; that it's OK to feel feelings, no matter how big – it's how we respond that matters most.

And for the week of Christian R.A. camp both of our boys were away with me, there were many new traditions and transitions to learn from and grow through as well. For one, I was often visible on campus, but not accessible because I wanted them to draw close to their fellow cabin guys and counselors. I was able to join them for Mission, Worship, meals, and activity time at times letting loose and having fun through a child's perspective along side them. But how sweet were the words to my heart when my foster son would notice me in a canoe on the opposite side of the lake and he called out "MAMA!" and the words echoed across the water ripples. I know I'm not his only mama in his heart, but I treasure our relationship and that role that God has called me to for His precious one. Our children aren't really ours anyway, the Lord has simply trusted them in our care and arms to raise them for His purposes. They are all His. And He is theirs.

Worship by the water – learning characteristics of our Lord like "Father"

I treasure these sweet times with them – the good and the not so good. Because we all learn through every situation as we learn how weak we are, how much we need Jesus Christ. Now in the moment when it feels like turmoil I may have a different answer, but when I look back on all we have grown through together my heart smiles and I know God's does with mine.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4

Happy one-year anniversary my son

One year has passed since you, our son, moved into our arms and home. With all that we have experienced, grown, conquered, blossomed, and learned together it feels like many more moons must have come and gone, but in some senses it seems just like yesterday too.

Love at first sight
I remember sitting in an office with a big conference table waiting to meet you for the first time. As I looked around I wondered why a room used for introducing children to a family had gray walls and a big wood table. I imagine a bright room with a comfy couch with books and stuffed animals – would feel less intimidating, don't you? So as we sat there along with several other adults who had titles like County Case Manager, County Supervisor, Therapist, and Foster Care Specialist, we just wanted our title to be Parents to you – you who needed a safe and loving place to come home to. We soon spotted a pair of shoelaces and the tips of your shoes because you were hesitant to reveal your handsome face to yet another new family. We understand you have already been through so much before entering foster care and you were tired of meeting new faces who wouldn't stick around very long, after all we were family #6 not counting the family you were born into. Your big, brown eyes finally rounded the corner and we encouraged you to sit in a chair next to us. You know daddy has many skills, one being his origami which you have always loved. You were very impressed with his flying swan he made and quickly showed us a new paper popper you had learned that day at school. The paper was a heavy cardstock and bigger than all of our faces combined so it was a very loud pop that rang outside that conference room which broke down walls with laughter. As we began talking with you about the work you were showing us from school you asked if you could draw a picture of us in your journal. You are quite the artist you know! Our hearts melted when you showed us your drawing of all four of us (including the brother you haven't yet met, but were excited to meet) playing Beyblades. We later enjoyed lunch together and said bye to you for the day until we came to pick you up the following day to spend the weekend together.

That first weekend we introduced you to all your new surroundings, hoping while you got to see your new room and neighborhood that you were learning a little about us too. It was the perfect weekend – just lots of one-on-one time and hanging out as a family. That Sunday on Mother's Day you got to meet your brother for the first time. Your big brother couldn't contain himself, he was so full of excitement and immediately handed you a bracelet that matched his. Later you gave him a bracelet of yours that said 'Best Friends Forever' and since then you both have formed what you boys call a sweet "brothership". You love like brothers and you fight like brothers; you back each other up,  take care of one another if one is hurting in some way, and pray for one another. A week later after school was finished, on May 18, you moved in officially. I am so thankful I was able to take off four weeks from work to invest in you minute-by-minute during your first summer with us. What a joy those memories we shared together are!

Love sees through the layers
As time passed you slowly opened up to us about things you deal with on a daily basis that unless healthily expressed we don't realize how deep your pain can be. Hopefully you know by now through thick and thin we are here with you. Just like daddy explained to you in Fall when we were wandering through a corn maze together, the corn is sweet and golden on the inside which we find when we pull pack the layers of husks covering it. The husks help the corn grow, but it must be peeled back so we can enjoy the fruit. We know it hasn't been easy to live in the world you have been a part of, but bigger than you and your past and future is your Savior Jesus – He is with you always sweet boy!

What a year this has been for all of us as you and your brother learn to share life with someone more than yourself and as we learn as parents to guide the two incredible children of the Lord we have been given. Though you were first seven years old when we met you, we have enjoyed many of your firsts with you!

These are a few of your firsts ever:
• Being a part of a church community
• Learning to swim
• Interviewing on a radio show
• Learning how to spend time with Jesus
• Keeping three banks for your hard-earned chore money: Give, Save, and Spend
• Being wowed at Disney World
• Surviving your first bad roller-coaster experience which made both you boys cry: Space Mountain and your favorite roller-coaster experience which you rode several times: Mt. Everest 
• Reeling in your first catch when fishing
• Trying out sports such as Tennis and Soccer
• Living it up at summer Camps at a nature center and the Humane Society
• Enjoying your first Minor League Baseball game
• Scoping out Stone Mountain 
• Jamming to your first music concert and getting an autograph: Jamie Grace• Exploring with Cub Scouts
• Learning how to roller skate
• Having a sleepover with friends
• Being a part of a couple mission projects locally to give to other foster children; and internationally as you filled a shoebox for Operation Christmas Child
• Asking Jesus into your heart! Getting Baptized!
• Dying eggs at Easter
• Seeing the beach, smelling salt air, and playing in the ocean 

Wow – we've had some incredible times! Thank you for allowing us to see you, really see you as Jesus created you to be. Many times you shine with your love, humor, tenderness, thoughtfulness, strength, and His light from within. Some times we walk through harder days together and that's alright to feel all the feelings you do – we love you and see your light still, even on the cloudy days. You are God's child of light to us. Thank you for trusting all of you to us. It's just been a year already – I can't even fathom what the Lord will be teaching us as we continue to walk side-by-side together my sweet son. And though we still wait for the legal finalization of adoption, you will always be a part of us. Always – Google x Google + more whatever you say!
"But if we walk in the light, as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin." 1 John 1:7

I love you son.

Love, Mama

Living out of a suitcase

Though we try to make our days "normal" for our family of four, we still find it filled with a slew of appointments or putting out fires for and with our foster son – truth be told, I often feel like my foster son's full-time secretary of defense and calendar planner. As parents we are called to fight for what's best for our children and sometimes we are heard, or see steps toward healing and progress, and sometimes we feel like we have experienced a setback. 

In the midst of trying to make our days feel normal I often get shook up by surprise. Sometimes it's a phone call telling us something we have understood is no longer valid – that's when the rug feels pulled out from under us. Sometimes it's a moment when our foster son reminds us of his past through his fierce behavior or even in a sweet time we share.

Just yesterday, as both of our little guys were packing their suitcases for a weekend visit with friends so that we can celebrate our wedding anniversary, I popped my head into each room to see how they were coming along. (Packing is a step in many ways which we are giving our boys more responsibility for themselves.)

Our biological son finished quick – and I should've known there was a reason to that rhyme. He is a master at taking his time with most tasks. He filled his suitcase with clothes from his dirty laundry basket – underwear and socks included! Seriously? Where have I gone wrong with this child I thought. Most days we find ourselves enamored by his intelligence and imagination ... why does he think dirty clothes is a smart way to pack?

Then I popped my head into our foster son's room and he was zipping his suitcase up. I double-checked his packing job and it was perfect. Everything he needed for the weekend and a few extras. He is a very smart child as well yet opposite of his brother in some ways – doing most things quick and right the first time. I pulled out my camera phone and told him I wanted to take a picture of each of them with their suitcases to remember the first time they've ever packed by themselves. Then my world slowed down all of a sudden with our foster son's response, "This isn't the first time I've packed a suitcase." Wow – I stand corrected. Flashbacks of him sharing his transient life before coming to live in our arms are suddenly remembered. 

No wonder our biological son doesn't know that dirty underwear and socks aren't great options for packing. I have always packed for him and washed his clothes before we gave him these added responsibilities. 

And no wonder our foster son packed so perfectly – he has moved through five families while in foster care before moving into our home. He has told us of his many moves his biological family made in his short years before that too. Then another memory of him sharing his fears early on strikes my heart again. He once had questioned if he moved back home, where would he go? How would he get all of his stuff on the local bus? How would they get the money they needed for gas, to wash clothes, and buy food? Many months ago we found him still hoarding onto new clothes and toys we have given him because he was saving it for the next place. He wanted to be sure to have a nice outfit with the tags still on. We have showed him that he needs to enjoy these things, eat the food we have and when we run out or gets worn out it can be replaced. Just because it's gone doesn't mean it's gone forever. Just because I went away for a work conference a couple weeks ago for three days doesn't mean I am gone forever. Just because there may be family issues that arise where one of us may have showed frustration doesn't mean you have to fear safety or protect yourself. We always are connected by our heart strings and unconditional love which God modeled for us. Needs can be restored and we always return as a family.

He doesn't have to hold on to those fears in our home, but the memories are still very strong remnants of what his life path used to look like. I asked him to place his hands in mine and as I looked into his deep, beautiful eyes. I tried to go deeper with him to reflect his feelings of what it was like to live in such a transient world. All he could muster up in that moment was say his memories are of sad and scary times. I reminded him that we hope the last time he has to pack to move to a family was the time he packed to come into our arms. With possible adoption rounding the corner, we hope this step will help him feel more secure as he hopefully becomes a part of our family legally in the Fall which can't come soon enough.

Marking growth on a paint pail

When you welcome an older child into your home there are many times when you have to decide how to celebrate new memories of family connections together. There also are many memories from their family history, though often times painful, all shaped your child before they came into your loving arms.

Conversations of these memories arise around holidays and special events, or a memory can be triggered by the smell of the changing seasonal air, a car that drives by, or music that we are singing our hearts out to on the radio. A school project of the family tree or when you must describe what love is for Valentine's Day, are more of these situations where memories are dug up – what does our child choose to do? Does he remember his good and bad memories with his birth family, or does he paint those times as rosy and ideal, or does he celebrate his new family, or all of it? These are difficult waters for a child to navigate and they come pounding the shores very often.

Sometimes a memory pops up while we are on a family bike ride having a blast conquering challenging trails – and then the world suddenly stops for a moment, for him, for all of us. He's sad or he's angry – and so we help him through those times and try to point him toward Jesus who is the only one who can bring complete restoration, healing, and forgiveness beyond what we think we can do on our own.

So here we are with a special holiday around the corner. It's nearly Easter and I'm reminded while it's about new life, our foster son is learning that new life doesn't mean forgetting the past. It simply means choosing to allow the past to no longer have control over his spirit and giving it to the Lord – he struggles with this; we all do, don't we?  Breathe that in, deep breath, come on – we all have a choice to choose new life offered to us from the Lord who sent His son to die for us 2,000+ years ago. We are given new life eternally by Christ paying for our past and future sins, way past the times and troubles of this world. It's so simple, yet we make it so hard, don't we? Our son remembers what he chooses and is working on moving forward in allowing the Lord to bring him through healing and becoming part of the Lord's grand purpose He has for his life.

This week we have been prepping an old paint pail to paint our foster son's Easter bucket.  I did the same years ago for our other son and as always our foster son is excited to be a part of family tradition. I explained how he will add his growing fingerprint to the pail each year, sort of like a yearly measurement chart marked for growth and memories.

His yearning to belong longer than he's been in our arms becomes more and more evident with the passing days. He shared with me this sentiment, "I want to go back and add one fingerprint for each year, like I was here already growing up. I wish I was born from you guys so I wouldn't have to have adoption." He has an ongoing desire to make up for missed memories, a bittersweet thing to hear as a parent, because although we can't change his past we are here with him now to help him rebuild and start fresh memories, new life. And so I let go of the type-A side of me, which thought we can't pretend add fingerprints because he wasn't living with us until 2012. Instead I wrapped my arms around him and told him we can add as many fingerprints/years to his Easter pail as he wants to. I reminded him that God knew all along he would walk into our arms and lives and so we will celebrate his pretend marked growth as if he was always a part of our family as he so desires. So we've got the paint pail cleaned out, the base layers painted, and I've got to find time to complete it's details, but the most important elements are there – the fingerprints and pretend corresponding years, and the love that's bonding through these new memories.

I often feel that same way, if I could really let go of past pain and only mark the good memories, but if I am to really mark true growth, it would include the harder memories too. Pain can shape us, giving us negative perspectives on trust and relationships. Pain can drive us to fear, anxiety, anger, depression, and darkness. However, one of Jesus' close followers, Paul, during his persecution for his belief in Jesus as the one and true God, shares how to allow the more difficult days to mature us in our faith in God who is greater. He tells us to "give glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." (Romans 5: 3-5) If we lay our past pain and strongholds on our lives at Jesus' feet He will shape us, rather than allowing those negative events to take hold of us. 

Easter is a reminder that nothing can conquer our Lord; not death, not our past pains, not our future mistakes, nothing. He is greater and the Lord adopts us into His family if we are willing. We hope our foster son will learn to let that reassurance seep into his soul while we mark new healing memories together.

Depth Perception

While working away on any design project at work, I often tune into podcasts that integrate enough background noise in my environment to keep me refreshed while sitting at a desk, but it's intentional noise that tunes me into the heart of God all day.

And so this is what I've taken away from my recent time with God, podcasts, and last week's sermons I've heard at Sugar Hill Church (see "From Victim to Victor" here). In the midst of living out my faith blindly, really blind, and seemingly against all odds of what today's culture says, I'm choosing to remember:

• God wants to restore our depth perception. (See, the photo progression above illustrates how as my thumb gets closer to the eye my visual or perceived problem doesn't seem so big. Just as the framed quote suggests, "the real voyage of discovery lies not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes." I'd like to add a very important spiritual element to Marcel Proust's wise words. Just as we get closer to the Lord, our problems don't seem so big – it's all about depth perception.)
• God is bigger than anything we or our children are going through.
• Denial in what is going on is not the same as living with faith.

We got some very big news last week for a step forward along this adoption process. A couple on answers we have been praying over for ten months, but with the excitement also came a wave of anxiety as all the what-ifs started swirling in my head. Phone call after phone call with authorities don't seem to help me put all the puzzle pieces together yet, instead it brings more questions.

I want to teach my children and live my faith out choosing to not live in fear of our individual history or the unknown future. To do this, it's key to place ourselves in a position close to the Lord daily so that our depth perception of the what-ifs is so much smaller (and nearly invisible) as we trust in our Lord who is on the throne. And it's at that moment we choose to be counter-culture and trust in the Lord, despite the circumstances, that you and I become victors – not after we walk out of the fires (Daniel 3:16-18). My God is able to deliver and He is there with us each step of the way (Psalm 34:17)!

Will you believe with us that God can change the situation and past history's impact for our son? That we can all lean into Jesus and become completely restored strong men and women of God?

In our own lives will we choose to walk completely blind in our faith, rather than trying to meet our needs on our own? (I know this is a daily lesson for type-A people like moi). Will we choose to become victors before we each walk into our own fires trusting our Lord will deliver (not always will He keep us from these battles, but He promises to be with us through it). Who do we really believe Jesus to be in our daily lives – great man of wisdom or Lord of our lives? Dig deep and chew on this with me or share what living your blind faith out and choosing victory looks like on your journey with those around you.

Sugar Hill Church Orphan Care ministry loving local orphans through Adventure Bags

 

Sixty-two back packs filled with toiletry, comfort items, and love for children in crisis were collected and assembled last night through our Sugar Hill Orphan Care ministry this Sunday night. These Adventure Bags will make their way to multiple counties DFACS offices throughout the state to bring a smile to a child placed into Foster Care out of emergency situations.

So excited to see our families get involved in sharing God's love with children they may never meet, but could mark a positive memory in their hearts in a very difficult time. Even the kiddos helped with custom drawings, origami, paper airplanes, and packing the bags.

Here are a few from the night which went so quickly with many hands!
VOTE in your comments! For who carried the most completed bags to the car – Kenny the kid or Aaron the adult? (see last two photos)

 

Building up arsenal for uncertain times

Lately I've felt surrounded by conversations in our families, on the news, and in my work lunch room that used to not be so normal – talk of prepping for a dooms day or for the day when our economy and government fail us because it feels much closer than it has in the past. It seems everyone is building up for themselves protection and living more in fear than what God originally intended. The supply and demand for guns is at a peak while the President is determined to push legislation through to control self-protection. There's a reality show of those who are preparing for these unknown times – complete with bunkers, communities of people of various skills, learning to live off the land, and make their own bullets. The anxiety can be contagious.

And each day as I go to work in prep for another day of battle I slip on my winter coat when Georgia decides to bring a gust of cold. In my warm pocket my fingers feel a bumpy circle the size of a dime and I'm reminded to pray. See, years ago, our biological son was into all things cowboy. Those memories are so precious as I picture him running around in his undies, cowboy hat or boots, and cap gun. One winter I found an unused ring of caps from his arsenal in my winter jacket pocket, and there since it has stayed serving as a constant reminder to pray over him and our foster son. I know they love doing all things 'boy'; and I love their fun and wild spirits. My husband and I also know as their parents the Lord has entrusted them to us and we must claim authority over their lives as their spiritual mentors and pray they acquire every spiritual weapon needed for life's battles.

God speaks to His own in many ways, sometimes in a strong gust and other times in a quiet place as you walk closely with Him. We usually want the obvious clear answers that knock us down, don't we? I know I walk more confidently in His direction when I get those type answers, but then we wouldn't have reason to get still and close to Him.

I was just reminded three times this week how God is ever-present, consistently by our side urging us to join Him. He may be fighting the spiritual battle for us or allowing us to be sifted like wheat in order to draw us near to Him – all from his complete picture window. While the Lord is working, we wait, endure, or celebrate from our mini-picture view not knowing what's on the other side.

I can't help but see the correlation God has been showing me this week that in every battle we have spiritual weapons which are greater than whatever we can prepare our storehouses with on this earth. You may or may not be familiar with some of them – prayer, truth, righteousness, readiness, faith, salvation, and the Spirit (See Armor of God in Ephesians 6:10-18). However, I learned of a new spiritual weapon this week while reading, "Praying God's Word" by Beth Moore and also during church worship this week on this very same topic (Listen to "Battle to Believe" free podcast here). Think God is trying to teach me something? The weapon of peace – our offensive weapon against the kingdom of darkness. Sometimes I choose to cling to these spiritual weapons daily, but I'm a planner and it seems more natural in my humanness to slip in allowing the enemy to keep peace and other promises from the Lord from me as I attempt to prep for the unknown future from my limited perspective.

Let this settle into your soul:

"In the battles of life, your peace is actually a weapon. Indeed, your confidence declares that you are not falling for the lies of the devil. You see, the first step toward having spiritual authority over the adversary is having peace in spite of our circumstances. When Jesus confronted the devil, He did not confront Satan with His emotions or in fear. Knowing that the devil was a ilar, He simply refused to be influenced by any other voice than God's. His peace overwhelmed Satan. His authority then shattered the lie, which sent demons fleeing."
Francis Frangipane, The Three Battlegrounds quoted from the book by Beth Moore Praying God's Word

So, while we choose to prepare for this life's failings with physical storehouses, I choose to listen to God's constant nudging to choose His peace as my better weapon.

Recommended Reading: Beneath the Tall Tree

Review from the bookshelf

Beneath A Tall Tree

Author: Jean A.S. Strauss

I enjoyed a break in the fact/stat-giving informative books as I picked up this incredibly moving human story. In fact, I read it in a day because I couldn’t put it down. The writer gives you detailed glimpses of her life from the time she was born, adopted, and her journey of tracking down her life history and family tree throughout her greater adulthood.

It gave me a good understanding and empathy for a person who has their identity hidden from them. I understand the natural, driving desire to connect with one’s roots which doesn’t imply any negativity toward either the birth or foster/adoptive familes – it’s just part of who they are and the child has the right to know their life history. One reviewer put it quite well, “Strauss bares her soul in this fascinating adventure about her life. Besides being enormously helpful to adoptees, it provides a deep, raw look into the mindset of an adoptee…”. She also gives valuable insight into the feelings of other members of the family circle. This book illustrates that you can have more than one set of father/mother/siblings. She has not forgotten her adoptive family that raised her, but she also appreciates the family ties of her birth family as they found themselves in the reunion process.

I liked the metaphor of the book’s title representing her adoptive dad as the tall, strong tree. On the cover it’s an old black and white photograph of the author as a child and you see a elongated adult shadow standing beside her. That shadow is her adoptive dad as he was always the one taking the pictures rather than actually being in them most of the time, of which I can relate. Behind that image is the symbolism of his strength and character traits he’s instilled in her as they developed a special bond over the years.

Awkward things

I am not immune to awkwardness. I spill coffee or salsa on my best clothes. I stick my foot in my mouth sometimes. I grew up a much smaller child than many and a very late bloomer so boys (and girls) were not so nice always so my self esteem took a while to come together. I attended ten different schools, and moved into seven different homes with my family until I went off to college (no we weren't a military family, just job promotions). I got proposed to twice by the same guy in college who later left me for another after our son was just a year old. I have been a single mom and remember what it was like when people stare at my left hand while I hold my child assuming they know my story. I have had four last names in my life time which all tell more of my story - now however, my last name matches my husband now. My biological son has a different last name because changing it should be his choice. My foster son has another last name because that will be his choice as well if we are blessed to add him to our family legally. My foster son doesn't even have the same skin color as we do, though not too far off from us with a good tan. So I'm not immune to the awkward glances or forth-right questions people let spill off their tongues before they think. And that's ok, really, because God knows my story, He's been a part of it all the whole way, and He loves me. Some of you who are close to me know my story too, and many of you have been great friends for me during the more difficult times.

Really none of this has ever been my story, it's been the Lord's. He has a plan to work through it all. I've seen it and continue to experience Him. So awkward scenarios are not new for me. And I'm grateful because the Lord has given me a new compassion for others in the same place. He has taught me how I need Him leading my life, and not myself. I'm grateful because now when my boys come home and tell me they're picked on at school for their size or last name I understand. I can empathize with them and make them giggle when I share my embarrassing stories – they know they're not alone. Not only because their mama went through a lot of the same awkward stuff, but because they can hear stories of how I did my best to lean on the one and only who's over all of this stuff. I can stand for them when they're friends tease them for having different color skin as I share with them how to explain to their curious friends what really makes a family is not last names or skin/hair color, but that you love and care for one another with unconditional love. If you're a Christian then you're a part of an even bigger family of faith too with one Holy Father.

We have expressed to our foster son what a golden heart he has inside, what a wonderful man of God we know he is growing to be and the great, big plans the Lord has for him, now and in the future. We have told him we believe he will one day make a great husband and father too. How great would it be for him to use the hard life experiences he's healed from because of the Lord walking with him, to raise up foster and adoptive children in his home? He could relate to their awkward stuff even more than we try to for him, because he's lived it. He could walk them through the harder days and point them to Christ every step of the way. He told us, "No way would I ever be a foster parent!" We asked him why not and he said, "Because the kids would be like me!" How we laughed together because we all know this journey isn't easy for any of us, but it's still full of healing and joy. I've also learned through a podcast just today I need to quit praying for what I want. Instead I should be praying for the child that needs me. If faith can only claim conquest and not have the ability to endure then I only have half faith. I need to grow deeper in love with what God wants for me, rather than arrogant or self-centered prayers, or misunderstanding blessings. Truth is, in the middle of all the awkward and difficult stuff, He promises to sustain me, give me joy that surpasses my understanding, use me mightily, and in the end I will see the blessings.

So we're grateful for the awkward stuff together because it draws us closer to the Lord.
 

Moving ahead is hard, but doing it together

What we need right now is stability from the court. In the meantime, we can offer our children stability in what we have control over – our schedule, faith, and character. In the adoption process, though, there is so much waiting for final answers so forward movement in the heart can happen. Though our foster son's ties to his first family won't be lost, it will forever be different, and gaining a family in the middle of that healing is a gift he's not sure how to receive. Pictured is one of the last times he called us by our first names. The last 3+ weeks it is more often he calls us Mommy and Daddy and it blesses our souls to be integral people in his life.

Court progress
Back in November, I prayed to God asking for any update on the process and the very next day we got an answer! Our foster son's case manager said she had turned in the paperwork verifying they have sought out all family members who could be approved to take in this child in order to raise him in a healthy, safe, and loving environment. It's now been determined adoption is to happen outside of the related family. So we as his foster parents get the next option to take him in and we are thrilled to do so. Termination of parental rights (TPR) will be approaching soon and then we can move forward with the adoption application, after yet one last opportunity for the related family to appeal the ruling. We were originally told the date could be in January, but with no word yet it could be February now for TPR. We do have another panel review in court this month so perhaps we'll hear more of an update then. The court date could be 2-3 months out depending on how backed up court is. However we are praying it will happen sooner! We expect the adoption to be final by May, hopefully. Thank the Lord for answering our prayers each step of the way.

Moving ahead is hard for our son
While we wait for the legal process of adoption to move forward, we know we must do our part to move ahead in our home as it is essential for healing. Yet so many days our little guy is torn between the love and chaos of his past and his love and hope for the future.
- He often times voices his desire for both worlds to work.
- He has wondered if his mother could move into his bedroom so we could take care of her too.
- He has wondered if the judge could change his mind after a ruling or if in time he could eventually return to his first home.

Hearing these desires is difficult for us as parents because we know his desires often are not what's best for him. Isn't this true of us as God's children as well? We don't see how the past was not healthy or not normal, and we don't see the big picture for our future. Only God knows and He is sovereign. As our child learns to trust us for his future, we trust in the only One who can bring full restoration and hope for him.

Moving ahead is hard for us
Moving ahead despite the obvious hardships is unconditional, but it hasn't been easy for us. Sure this child of God is incredibly easy to love, to picture him as a part of our family forever, coming home for the holidays when he's an adult, watching him flourish in his life relationships, and grow as man of God. There are many times, though, especially since October when it's been difficult to see the big picture that God sees, past the daily battles which seem to linger longer than our energy, patience, and understanding. Though we strive to learn everything we can about loving a child from a hard place, the psychology of re-training his brain to understand what healthy love and relationships look like, and have stepped into parent-coaching classes while he gets intensive therapy, many moments we doubt our judgement in how to implement what we've learned.

- We sometimes are not sure how long these more intense days will last or if we are really making a difference in his healing.
- What about his threats that are really cries out for us to see if we are still here, how far will they go?
- We certainly can't handle all his pain on our own. It is complex and deep, but we know God is bigger. He just has to be willing to surrender, will he?

Sure we see the impact on the good days, but it's in the hard ones we feel we are sinking and God asks where is your faith? I AM here. Bring your flasks for oil and I will fill again and again. This battle is the Lord's and He will fight for him, for us. We just need to have faith in His timing and His sovereignty to meet all of our needs – our foster son's needs, our bio son's needs, my husbands, and mine. We are all in this. 

Trying to understand
Though he comprehends the main reason why he was placed in foster care, he doesn't acknowledge all the poor lifestyle choices that led his family to this dark and broken place. He knows he will be adopted and though he loves us he still holds on to his first family in many ways.

- He has learned that adults need to learn how to put their own two feet under them by getting the help they need. Adults must begin making healthy changes in their own lives before they can be responsible for any others.
- He doesn't understand how years of poor choices for the parents themselves or for the children being raised has taken its toll on all in the home in every aspect – spiritual, mental, physical, and verbal. Or how that means he will be digging through those experiences, learning which of those is good and which is bad, for years to come, steps at a time.
- He doesn't yet understand that we really do love him UNconditionally, though we've shown it time and time again through each test he puts us through for eight months now.
- He doesn't understand yet that his grief and anger means he is really scared, sad, and feels he must take on his own protection.
- Though he has asked Jesus into his heart a couple months ago and we celebrated baptism with him this Christmas Eve, he questions how he can have so much anger inside and still be a child of God. The gift of grace is too simple and he feels too complex, but he really wants the Lord to help him along. He will one day truly see that his heavenly Father is there each step of the way for him to lean on.

New Year's resolutions
Though the inner struggles will be there for his wrestling for many years, the Lord gives us new mercies with each new day. And a new day has come upon us with the rising of 2013. His New Year resolutions which he came to us with are so beautiful and telling of the hope growing in him.

He had three:
1. Spend time in the Word each morning for five minutes
2. Pray to God each day to help with anger
3. Give 10% to God

How beautiful, right? And on this third day, he's still committed to them. One step at a time his hope grows and the Holy Spirit is at work. This is what we hold on to while we move ahead, together.

Lessons From a Boo-Boo

Lately we have experienced a number of days of our foster son's hardest days since he's been in our home. It's been real tough and we have felt down, overall. But even in the trials we always have hope because we know that the Lord is fighting for all of us – we are not alone in this spiritual battle over our dear little one. Our son is not alone in his battle over surrendering his pain, anger, unforgiveness, past, and future – we know Jesus is carrying him and will get him through. 


My husband never ceases to amaze me at the incredible parent he has become. When we first met I was a single mom with a 2.5 year old. Even now he fears holding new babies because they might break in his arms. For years I had prayed for an incredibly good looking, yes I included my human desire, and a man who loves God, me, and my son. And our paths crossed, for which I will forever hold on to as a blessing from our sovereign Lord. Now we are both parents of a seven and eight-year-old boys, together.

I recall recently one particular moment when our foster son was able to calm down from a melt down spurred by something beyond his control. Steve took advantage of that time to teach him how his pain and anger was like the boo-boo on Steve's elbow (he got from his fall when we took the boys roller skating).  He taught him the biology of how the body was created to heal an injury with a scab. He shared with him that many times we try to help the body heal faster with a little ointment and a band-aid. My heart melted when I heard Steve say, "Son, Mommy and I are here to be your ointment and band-aid. You have to let us help you. We are sorry for the boo-boo you have inside, but that boo-boo didn't come from us. We wish we could have been there to protect you so that you weren't hurting inside so." Steve then pointed to the paper award chart we have on our fridge which our foster-son tore up into pieces in the heat of his anger and threw at me. Once he settled down we found him taping it back together and re-hanging it on the fridge. Steve told him that though he taped that paper together it's not quite the same, it looks different, but it can still be used for good. Our wounds on the inside, which we can't see, can't simply be taped back together because it takes much more time to heal. The healing of our wounds on the inside can't even be sped up with ointments and band-aids. We need each other and God to help get us through and make us complete again.


I am so thankful for Steve, his heart for our children, and his desire to point them to the Lord in every opportunity we can. I am thankful on this difficult journey where we are confident we will see beauty come from ashes, as we've seen in our lives many times before, that we have hope in promises from our creator. We are not alone. We will win this battle with God's hand on us. Please continue to pray over all of us.

I recently posted about my personal boo-boos on my Facebook page so that my friends and family could know how to pray for our current struggles: I have about 6 DVDs on how to parent a child from a hard place, 10 books on adoption and Christ's unconditional love, books on being a prayer warrior and leading your kids to Christ, therapists giving us and our foster son lame tools for handling his behavior, and case managers telling us he is not our son – in fact, he is the state's child though we love him as our own. We can't do anything to stop his behaviors with any amount of control, other than rewards and consequences, because all else of being a parent is against policy. So we feel like helpless parents. Forget all the books and psychological seminars that we can't seem to find time to delve into right now. I need my Lord first!
 
And God has been pouring out His love for me by showing me His promises that heal time and time again. 

A sweet co-worker who saw my post pointed out to me a lovely woman in the Bible who was faced with loss, love, and legacy – Ruth. There were two women who were faced with a decision on their journey. Orpah wept and went away and Ruth wept and moved forward. Kelly Minter adds, "The apostle Paul wept, but didn’t allow his grief to stop his forward motion while the rich young man walked away from Christ with great sadness. It’s difficult to point a finger at Orpah or the rich young ruler because we too may have turned back in the face of loss or adversity. But how great the honor and reward of Ruth and Paul who, in their tears, kept walking forward."

I'm claiming God's promise in Isaiah 58:8-12 for our dear son:
Then your light will appear like the dawn, and your recovery will come quickly.
Your righteousness will go before you, and the Lord's glory will be your rear guard.
At that time, when you call, the Lord will answer; when you cry out, He will say, 'Here I am.'
If you get rid of the yoke among you, the finger-pointing and malicious speaking, and if you offer yourself to the hungry, and satisfy the afflicted one, then your light will shine in the darkness, and your night will be like noonday.
The Lord will always lead you, satisfy you in a parched land, and strengthen your bones.
You will be like a watered garden and like a spring whose waters never run dry.
Some of you will rebuild the ancient ruins; you will restore the foundations laid long ago; you will be called the repairer of broken walls, the restorer of streets where people live. (Isaiah 58:8-12 HCSB)

Psalm 94:16-19
"Who stands up for me against the wicked? Who takes a stand for me against evil doers? If the Lord had not been my helper, I would soon rest in the silence [of death]. If I say, 'My foot is slipping,' Your faithful love will support me, Lord. When I am filled with cares, Your comfort brings me joy." 

Isaiah 41:10
"Fear not, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

I'm trying not to be consumed with the current issues, but I've also got to hunker down and be my kid's biggest fan and prayer warriors in this season too! 

Shoes for Orphans in Africa

Thank you to all of you who supplied items and those of you who were able to give 2 hours of your Sunday evening to make shoes for orphans in Africa.

We learned of the plight of the jigger, a sand flea, that lays it's eggs under the toes and in the sole of the feet for those who don't have clean environments nor shoes to protect them.
The jiggers grow, multiply, and burrow their way deep into the feet making it difficult and painful to walk to school. Sole Hope is the organization we partnered with to help provide protection,
while they take the shoes we prepared, get local Africans to sew them together for a fair wage, provide education on how to prevent/treat jiggers, and why Jesus cares for them.

We had 14 people help cut 240 pieces of fabric or plastics to make 20 pairs of shoes last night in just 2 hours! And we have many more supplies to have another Shoe-cutting party in 2013.


Here are some photos from last night's gathering – our kids helped too!

 

 

The Disney reveal and adventure

So one of the exciting things about being a parent is sharing in the joy of the newness with your child. Whether your child is biological, a foster child, or you're an adoptive family, there's new experiences together and sometimes new feats for the very first time for your child – no matter what age they come to you as. Though our foster son is seven years old, we have enjoyed many of his firsts with him like roller skating, learning how to swim, carving pumpkins, being active in a church, hay rides, roller coasters, visiting local attractions like corn mazes, Stone Mountain, and now the greatest fun – Disney World!

With all the fun and exciting newness also comes the many firsts that sadden your heart along this journey. Your child passing the year mark of a trauma-versary or being in foster care for a year. The first year of celebrating holidays with the only family your child had known before coming into care and five families in the foster system before you. New seasons are always a reminder of your adoptive or foster child's past and pain, but many new great memories can be made too.

We wanted to reveal our trip to Disney to the boys in a special way. We had decided to purchase punched-out letters at the Dollar Store that spell out the word. Each day they had good behavior we would reward them with a letter which they would use to unscramble the surprise. We quickly realized that this month wasn't the best time to reward good behavior with earning of letters, because good behavior wasn't going to show it's face too often from our foster son. After all, past anniversaries and future adoption realizations are all coming into play – all of which can trigger emotional breakdowns. So we simply began handing them letters, earned or not, to keep a positive focus on the surprise for a moment or so. Nine days before we were to leave for our trip, the boys had all 15 letters to spell out Walt Disney World. It took a few clues from us to get the 45 min. unscramble process moving along so we could still make bedtime at a decent hour. Once they got it, they got it, and with much excitement. Then, like typical children, they thought we were leaving right then. They weren't too thrilled about having to wait nine whole days! I wish I could post the video of the reveal.

A family trip to Disney with young ones can be just as exciting as it is exhausting because of the full day of energy expected from everyone. So we had some expected issues, but nothing we couldn't handle in public and nothing like the five difficult days prior to our leaving.

Lots of wonderful memories were made together and our foster son believes it was all SO magical! From the princesses (who I caught him checking out because they are pretty) to Mickey, he was enthralled. Our bio son is 15 months older and very literal so he was quick to tell our other son the truth about magic not being a reality. But we asked him to let his brother believe in it, enjoy it, if only for a short while. He hasn't had many opportunities to dream big and believe big like a child should, and so, we agree, it's magical.

To watch him act like an innocent child just melted my heart. To see him get excited that Mickey Mouse himself left us a voice mail on our hotel room phone, acknowledge that Mickey must have felt special that we visited him in person twice, get autographs/pictures with the pretty princesses (his favorite being Snow White), pretend to be a Star Wars character while dressed in costume and sword fighting while running through the parks, and sob uncontrollably when he believed Mickey was getting hurt when he was fighting the evil guys were all tender moments. We treasure these tender moments because it's in these times we can smile along with him or hold him when he was deeply sad. There were moments where we heard sweet giggles coming from the back seat. There were moments like the time I saw our foster son put his arm around our bio son just because they're brothers and buddies, and they love one another.

Thank you Disney, for a great trip for a family who is loving one another through the difficult and better days to teach there is such things like magic and simple joys of childhood. 

Overwhelming response for first Orphan Care gathering

So thrilled our fellow SHC families showed up on a recent Sunday evening. Not only did 40+ people and their children they mark their spot in a chair with a warm body, but we got to hear their hearts and passion that God has already been stirring in their lives for His vulnerable children.
We had younger couples, couples who had been married for longer seasons, single people, and staff all come together to begin a great community for this movement to make a difference. They heard testimonies from us, the Smiths, and a church staff person on how God brought us on this adoption journey.

One of the Smith's girls playing with the colorful prayer reminder clothespin dolls 20+ SHC families painted.

There are 14.7 million orphans worldwide. That means each clothespin doll Andy and Lea Smith, and us, Kelly and Steve Hopkins, are holding here represents 14,700 children who don't have parents who can care for them.

Steve setting up the technological side of things for our meeting. Yes, we even found him high on a ladder pulling wires to get the connections just right. I love my I.T. nerd.

Our dear friend Lea and her daughter detailing out the ministry's purpose and plans to put feet to it. 

We hope they left feeling encouraged, excited, and with eyes wide open for how God will continue to orchestrate things perfectly to bring them along His plans for living out James 1:27 in their lives.
And the food ... yes, Southern Baptists pride themselves on the incredible food we share when we get together.

We worked together to put a list of already generating ideas we can do in order to make a difference under one of our three focal areas.

Sugar Hill's Orphan Care ministry is about three small things for the one big thing – the orphan.
1 • We are having gatherings each month to emphasize Community in our church where families can get together and play at the park together, or lean on each other for support and encouragement while we each care for the orphan in our own ways.
2 • We will also help families by giving them Tools & Resources for those who may be on the journey to adopt or already parenting children from hard places
3 • And we will get our hands dirty by serving the needs of these children through various Missions projects 

God calls us all to care for the orphan and the widow. Does that mean it looks the same for everyone? No. What it does mean is we can all do something. You may be a single person, a high school student, an older couple who finally has that empty nest, or a family whose house is already full – but we can all make a difference for those children who need safe, loving families together.

Lessons From a Corn Husk

Our story, our family's story, begins with a corn maze. Steve and I were friends for a year until we got lost in a corn maze together. Hey, this is a clean story people! In fact, Steve didn't share his feelings for me until later that night when watching Georgia beat Auburn during their infamous black-out game. And so, our family tradition of getting lost in a corn maze each year began. Here's a photo from that moment when Steve and I were just friends back in 2007.

We hadn't realized five years later we'd be married and have a new child added to our family. We also hadn't realized this month would be the absolute most reeling and difficult month we would experience thus far in reference to our foster son's behavior. We had to lower the bar so that he could experience success and help him move forward one step at a time. This month he has had 6 good days in a row. That's about all we saw of the tender, sweet, loving, wonderful child we have grown to love unconditionally.

When we were making memories with our boys in a local corn maze recently we were halted because we had to handle a break down our foster son was having all of a sudden admist the sea of corn. I overheard Steve share with our foster son an incredible message of love and hope. (By the way, we only call him foster son on this blog so you understand who I am sharing about since I cannot use names. We love and treat him as one of our sons.) Steve pulled a corn off it's husk and asked our foster son to hold it.

He showed him the many layers of husk that wrapped around the rows of kernels. As he pulled back the husk Steve told him all those layers are the experiences that have happened to him before he came to us. Some of those layers are very painful. Some of those layers are wonderful memories. All of those layers together has made him very angry. But as we pull back those layers, we find the corn. That's the core of who he is. As those layers cover up the beautiful, gold, nutritious, vegetable, so do his layers of pain, heartache, and anger cover up the child we know is there deep down, the child God created, and we want to see more of his core. He no longer has to hide under those layers. He no longer has to be angry.

We are saddened that he has experienced so much tragedy at such a young age, that we couldn't be there to protect him, and point him to Jesus for strength through it all. We have broken hearts for our son who has so many layers covering the beautiful, strong, healthy, loving boy underneath. But we have hope because we have Christ. And so does he.

Amongst a thunderstorm of behavior we have seen this week he settled his behavior for a moment and got real and deep at bedtime in another conversation with Steve. He asked Jesus in to his heart and admits he wants to surrender his anger to the Lord. That's a life time of a lesson, to surrender all. We will learn to surrender all, together. We are thankful he now has the gift of the Holy Spirit to help him pull back the layers and we have hope he will shine like that fresh, golden corn.

One detail I'd like to share further about this community corn maze we visited. I am all at once bewildered and appreciative of decisions the owner's of this corn maze have made in response to my speaking up.

Our family has enjoyed multiple trips through the years to the Buford Corn Maze, even brought many groups from our church as well. We enjoy passing the field throughout the year and watch the seeding, growing leading up to the Fall, and harvesting afterwards. However, this year as we drove past the field we diverted our children's eyes away because of a near 20' advertisement they had posted right on the road. In promotion of the Haunted Forest they displayed an image that would normally be found in a rated-R movie – a zombie-looking bloody man and a female. I'm sure we are not unlike many parents who understand that at Halloween companies must offer a variety of events/products for all ages, but is it too much to ask that that one image be replaced with a logo of the Haunted Forest instead of real-life horror imagery? What shocked us even more is that the corn maze is located right between two family-heavy locations with an elementary school in front and a daycare behind. I have heard other parents sharing the same concern. After contacting them about this concern we were pleased to see them value the community's concern as they replaced the image with a black and white photo of woods within a week's time frame. They thanked us for speaking up. That was in August.

This last weekend though we noticed the former image was back up. We tried to ignore it so our children wouldn't notice it, but they were rubber necking as we drove past and asked many questions about the image they are well aware of us asking for its removal. It's disheartening to see a company who we spoke so highly of acknowledging a real concern go back on their word. And for that, we will no longer be patrons. I contacted them once again about their reversed decision and the next day the woods photo was re re-placed. I'm not sure why they have been inconsistent with their decisions on advertising. I hope you understand I know we can't possibly protect our children from everything they will see and experience. But what I can impact I will keep trying.

 

Praying with expectancy, even in the harder seasons

This month has been a tough season – for all four of us. We know that trials come and go and is a part of the journey of adoption as everyone adjusts to one another, and we've had them. Our days have been up and down for five months, but this month the intensity has risen to another level. I guess we got caught off guard because our foster son had 21 days of good behavior last month so we rose the bar for expected behavior, but quickly realized he wasn't succeeding this time. We are 16 days into this month and he's only had three good days. We question our parenting again as we try to implement new styles to help a child from a hard place, but then we remember this month is a significant month for him, and realize it wasn't the right time to raise the bar. The reason? He's been in care for a year and is having anniversaries to deal with – he's grieving again and is full of deep sorrow. While the reality of his future is getting less foggy, there's still darkness to lift and healing to happen as possibility of his adoption into our family settles in. So though we may be emotionally and mentally exhausted, we recognize the new found compassion God gives us for this precious child who has suffered much. Yes he may be fighting us, but it's not about us. He's fighting all the pain he has taken in and learning how to handle it. We are here to teach him how to do that in a healthy way and surrender all of it to our sweet Lord. Thank you dear Lord for letting us be a part of this child's restoration and purposeful life you've given him, and for trusting him in our care. We are trying our best to love him where he is, trusting you with the rest.

New journeys call for new memories and we have had the joy of sharing many first experiences with our son. This month we have been able to see him try out roller skates for the first time and get lost in a corn maze with us. Soon we are taking them on a surprise trip to Disney World – and we are busting at the seams to tell them! He's also recently joined a local Cub Scouts den, and though he hasn't felt comfortable enough to join the boys in the activities, he's slowly getting there through watching them be boys together. Last night at the Cub Scouts meeting, he met two new friends, one who is a foster child himself. I am so excited he will have a friend in his den that is going through a lot of the same experiences and questions. I'm praying this will be a special friendship and bond for him. Though many painful memories may haunt him for the rest of his life, we pray that God will help him heal in a way that they hurt much less, that he can choose to be full of joy no matter what life brings him because he learns that Jesus is with him every step of the way. We pray that the new memories we share as a family will be the solid foundation he can always pull from that makes him smile and knows he is loved by many.

It may seem that we have high expectations for ourselves, for our son, and for our family. But really, we are praying with expectancy that God will remain true in His promises as He always has. We know that God can do much with even a little faith. Jesus can make a blind man see, a lame man walk, a woman clean of years of disease, a leper clean, a dead friend made alive, a cut-off ear healed, calm a raging storm, multiply the provisions we seemingly have to feed the masses, have authority over this world so that water is a solid floor under his feet, a tree made fruitful again that was once withered, and withdraw demon-possessed people out from their darkness. Jesus did these miracles by touch, through authoritative words, and many without physically being present – because He is Jesus, Lord of all. All we have to do is have faith.

Debb Marquez, a fellow adoption blogger I recently came across here, shares the difference between praying with expectations and praying with expectancy:
[The Lord] wants us to have child-like faith that He will answer ~ but He doesn’t want us to tell Him HOW or WHEN to answer our prayers! He doesn’t want us to pray with expectations of the details. He wants us to pray with excited anticipation and assurance that He will answer our heart’s cry. He just doesn’t want us to go about telling Him how to do it! {ouch!}

We have faith in God's big purposes for this child's life. After all, he is one of God's own.