Truth tellers: Pre-placement & Honeymoon stages

I have become inspired to speak to the stages of our experience after a friend also going through the adoption process shared a link for Jen Hatmaker's blog. Hatmaker honestly and wittingly shared about being a truth teller on the adoption process. This blogger had so many great morsels of organizing her thoughts and the process, that I've based them as my starting points since there are a lot of commonalities on the adoption journey. I have shared them through out this post, coloring them in purple to give her the credit where it is due. You can look at it this way, when you see purple, that means that these are common experiences in adoption you may experience, though the details may be different. I also recently read a great book I found at the library, "Telling the Truth: Older Child Adoption" which you'll find a review of in my previous post. All of this stirred some thing in me to share more transparently without worrying about painting the 'right' picture for adoption – after all God doesn't paint a story for us that our lives will be without trials and still he asks us to join him in it and through it, share how He has moved through our story, and give Him the glory – for by it we our transformed to reflect more of Him.

It's been 14 1/2 weeks, which sounds like we've had so little time with our foster son so far, but the amount of time we have invested, been challenged, built memories, and progressed seems to fit more when you consider 14 weeks is really three and a half months. And just last week, I felt a little pat on the back by his therapists who asked us how we know many of the same tools they would implement before they suggest them to us as they hear me sharing how we are striving to handle the daily challenges we still struggle with. Props to God, really, reading lots of books, and training by Bethany Christian Services – we have seen progress in many areas, but there are still many times that are difficult to break through as we strive to re-train his way of dealing with day-to-day emotions.

Now to the many who have shared with me, "I couldn't do what you're doing – love a child that's not my own," or "you guys are saints," or "do you still plan to adopt even though it's been hard?" or "don't you and Steve want to have children on your own through pregnancy?" – think a little about what your words are really saying. As Christians shouldn't we be encouraging one another and pointing each other to what Christ says rather than discourage and weigh on the side of what's comfortable, easy, and the American-dream style of living? What about Proverbs 16:9 where wisdom is imparted, "In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps," or Proverbs 19:21, "Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails." And what about His command to love the fatherless in James 1:27? Yes, we still pray for God to bless us with a child biologically, but we know that opening our hearts and home to a child through adoption is also part of His plan for us. And so, here we go ...

We have many friends who are adoptive parents through domestic infant or international adoption. In fact, I have a friend who's in China right now holding their sweet toddler whom they just met Saturday. We know only one couple personally who are in the waiting process for a foster-to-adopt child(ren), like us. The need is so terribly high for children who need homes everywhere, but it seems we have very minimal families around us willing to adopt an older child through DFACS. However you feel led to adopt if you do, know that whatever age range, ethnicity, or culture you open your heart to God will be there to lead you through the issues of commonality – identity, trauma, and buried or unidentified pain that all children will eventually have to deal with for complete healing. Even recent research shows that babies in utero experience the stress of their mother, even when alcohol and drugs are not involved, which all impacts the child's neurological abilities in various ways. It's not the child's fault for their past. It's up to Christians to love them where they are and help them learn about a loving God who wants to restore them and make beauty of their story. Then, it's up to the child in how they choose their response in the future. For the many that have questions about some of the commonalities you can expect when opening your hearts and homes to a foster child I will share a bit of the process in more detail than I have before. And, heads up, it's all worth it ...

Pre-placement (as you wait for a child who needs you)
Your days are filled with questions, planning, appointments, referrals, conversations with case workers, therapists, and endless paperwork that must be filled out sometime amidst your very long day at home and after work. Yes, your time is full. Your heart is full too – full of eagerness and deferred hope all leading to a hurry-up-and-wait mentality because your end of the preparation is the only thing you can control while you wait.

Then as you are referred a child, you pray over a decision. If it's a no, you suffer anguish because you know that every child needs a loving home. You also experience unexplainable peace if you know the Lord has told you he has another home planned for that child – just not yours. So much surrender is learned.

The waiting process is SO hard as you wait for the unknown – especially if you're open like we were to any child no matter the sex, race, and age range spanning ten years. You don't quite know how to pray for the specifics – just that God would give you wisdom for this part of the journey. You think if you can just get your placement, a child you know God has placed on your heart in your home, then the wait is over. I remember feeling a similar way when my bio son was first born. I clearly remember feeling relieved when he was born healthy and beautiful, that all my prayers for him had been answered. But just as quickly it hit me that my need for praying for him for the rest of his life has just begun. This is just the beginning – oh boy, I'm responsible for raising this child through adulthood! As parents the prayers, concern, and purposeful involvement in your child's life never end. Hatmaker shared it well when she said "the upside is in any early doubts about loving a child without the helpful instincts of biology [they] are put to rest." You may not know the child yet, what they look like, what challenges are ahead, or how your family will mold and love him/her in a way that shapes all of you, but it doesn't matter because as a believer you know that the Lord will provide for everyone's needs and will guide you along the way. He changes us for one another. We are all shaped in this process – our character, compassion for God's hearts cry for others, and our need for the Lord's leading in our lives daily. "God can create a family across [states], countries, beyond genetics, through impossible circumstances, and past reason."

The Honeymoon (supposedly first 4-6 weeks)
So we heard about a honeymoon stage when adding to your family outside of having children biologically. It's sort of like what I see as teachers begin the new school year – they must be firm and even rigid at first to set the pace for the year otherwise the kids will take over. But in adoption and foster care that firmness needs to be balanced with love and extra mercy because most likely your child has experienced trauma of some kind, and they haven't learned you. You haven't learned their triggers either. You'll realize they tend to act younger than their age because their growing process got stuck whenever their lives got out of control in previous environments. They need to learn you too, to know that you will be there for them, that they are in a safe place to be themselves and will be loved anyway, so that trust and bonding can happen ... so that healing can follow. For some reason I felt offended when someone suggested there would be a honeymoon period when referring to our new family member. I have an issue with people using terms in negative context – coupling honeymoon period with a temporary happy feeling that isn't real and won't last is not exactly what you want to hear, but it's reality, for a season at least. You pick him up at his foster home, treat him to his favorite eat-out spot, talk about all the exciting things you do as a family. You introduce him to all the rooms in your home, to his new room that is pre-decorated with pictures and love notes from the family to help make him feel at home, you drive him around the neighborhood and show him around his new fun surroundings, let him feed the ducks, laugh when he catches a duck on his fish hook and move quickly to release the poor creature, and shut down all previous activities originally planned to just BE – as a new family start together.

Our honeymoon with him lasted two days. I was hoping for a week like an average honeymoon for a new marriage – two days? Two days of complete compliance, manners which we didn't expect him to have but was obvious someone has taught him a few good things, obedience, and easy affection on both ends. But quickly we learned he has also been taught to lean on no one for help and to respond with a fight, flight, and fright mentality. The understanding that we are here to love him through this, pray over him daily, and need to quickly learn some key points of neuroscience hits us like a brick.

To us we know of our hearts desire to adopt him into our family if we can. We know we have been praying for some time for God to add to our family in whatever way he sees best. We have watched God open our hearts to having compassion for children already born who need a loving, supportive, healthy home. To him, we are just another foster family – another stepping stone. We are his fifth home, sixth if you count the group home he initially was taken to, and we are new faces, new rules, new boundaries, new cool factor until he doesn't get his way. He has been in the system long enough to know we can't spank him, to threaten what he believes he can control, that he can just ask for another foster home if we don't give in to his demands. Really? What happened to the ideal of him being so covered in love that he can't see himself anywhere else, or the appreciation for all the effort, love, teaching, and fighting for him we would come to do? Like many children, he believes he has the power to fix adults bad decisions – that if he believes something will come together the way it was supposed to, then it will – simple as that. We question ourselves – are we handling this the best way? What would the therapist do here? What did that book we read on loving discipline for trauma kids say again? It's not according to any script – even once I ran downstairs and read a discipline technique in a book word for word in my head and tried to apply it and it sort of went the way the highly esteemed author and researcher shared, sort of.

You wonder why no one has celebrated with you like they would if you were having a biological birth. After all, your newest family member who is rocking your world is not a newborn, but they are still helpless, dependent, needy. Emotional bonding and building trust are still key in forming a healthy relationship with one another. You don't expect any real offers for a shower of the items you need to make them a part of your family, but you want a celebration. Or is it too early for that? A few people at work were surprised I was taking 4 weeks off from work to help him transition initially. Why? When you bring home a newborn 8 weeks is expected. I'm glad others saw the importance of it and allowed us the time we needed as we grew as a family – that time was precious, and absolutely necessary. You read blogs of others who choose to celebrate early and there are others who wait until the court date for the adoption finalization happens. What to do? You just want to celebrate.

Rather quickly we've learned of the flux of professionals who will walk with us on this journey. We have had many changes: three adoption specialists (who supports us as a couple; partly because our course changed), three groups of therapists (partly because our son changed counties; partly for good fit), and possibly changing to a new case worker (who supports the child; due to the process moving forward in pre-adoption). You'll learn that change is ongoing, not like a child who's already been through so much should continue on the change roller-coaster, but it is what it is. You'll learn to fight for your child's best interest where you can impact stability, but a lot of this is just the protocol. It can be difficult waters to navigate since your child has already likely experienced trauma, learned difficulty in trusting adults, struggles with opening up verbally, and simply gets tired of meeting new faces. And new faces don't end with the professionals. Each time your child has moved from one stage of the process to the next, they meet new faces. Since he has moved home with us, he has developed friendships, trust, and love. But it didn't come easy, nor without prayer, encouragement, and extra effort on everyone's part to assure him that not only are new faces a part of this process, but a part of everyone's lives.

Boy, have we learned so much, but we still have so much to learn. And every time I look back I see this story reflecting how much God loves us through our stubbornness, fear, and mistakes. Praise God for his unconditional love, because we need it as much as our foster son does.

Recommended Reading: Telling the Truth

As part of maintaining an approved status of Foster Parent through Bethany Christian Services, my husband and I must each do 20 training hours each year. If we were adoptive parents I believe it would be 10 hours/ea./yr. for training. Yes that can seem rigorous to some, but you can't trade the knowledge you take-in on some great books I've come across, training videos of adopted children who now speak as adults about their life growing up, and in-person classes we've experienced.
So, though the time is required, I have found some key points invaluable, and worth sharing with you.
From time to time I'll share these here.

Telling the Truth to your Adopted or Foster Child: Making sense of the Past

Authors: Betsy Keefer and Jayne E. Schooler

I found this book on the shelf of our local library and noted some very key information that has helped us as we prepare our foster child on the journey. I’ve noted some points we took away as practical for all of us as we go day by day:

• Learn to be alert for anniversary reactions. As with other grief reactions, the child may begin to experience anniversary reactions at the time of his birthday or his adoption or significant histories in their lives. Instead of allowing the child to suffer in silence with these feelings, parents should anticipate the child’s feeling and help him express it. Because the child will rarely bring up the subject of adoption, parents should look for opportunities to let children know they are not threatened or angry about questions regarding birth family and history.

• Let children know they can love two sets of parents. Because children at this stage (8-12 years) are concerned about fairness and loyalty, they are likely to believe that they are disloyal to the adoptive family if they have feelings, or even questions, about the birth family; they do not have to choose. Explaining to the child that adults are allowed to love more than one child in a family can alleviate some of that struggle.

• When children aren’t talking about adoption, don’t assume they aren’t thinking about it. Adoptive parents sometimes interpret children’s reluctance to discuss adoption as an indication that they know their story.

• Try to keep from responding to the child’s anger with more anger. If parents can understand that much of their child’s anger is generated by his “rejection” by others in their lives, and not aimed at them, they might not over-respond to angry outbursts. When an angry teen asserts that he wants to leave the family, try to hear this as a question instead of a statement. He is not saying, “I am leaving!” He is asking, “Will you keep me, no matter what? Will you abandon me too?”

• Some adoptive parents have encouraged children to make Mother’s Day cards for the birth mothers to be kept in a special scrapbook. These can be saved and later given to the birth mother if a reunion occurs at some point in the child’s future. Merely making such cards for the birth mother seems to help many adopted children express feelings and cope more effectively during this difficult time.

• Don’t try to “fix” the pain of adoption.  All parents try to naturally try to protect their children from pain. However, adoptive parents must recognize that their child must experience some pain in the normal resolution of adoption-related grief. The only way “out” is “through.”

• Don’t impose value judgements on the information of past history. The child’s feelings for, or memories of, the birth family may alter his perception of events. And his need to have positive feelings for his birth family will definitely color his perceptions.

• A child should have control of telling his story outside the immediate family. Remember that the history belongs to the child, not to the adoptive parents. If friends or extended family memners ask about sensitive information, simply tell them that the information belongs to the child. They can ask him about it when he is old enough to understand their questions. Explain that some people don’t have a lot of experience with adoption and might ask insensitive questions or make ridiculous remarks.

1.     Discuss questions people might ask and the situations the child might encounter.

2.     Talk about what information should be shared. (as simple as name, origin, and date they joined the family could be enough; others need to respect boundaries.)

• Children most often know the truth – the lived it,” comments Greg Keck, an internationally recognized authority on attachment and bonding. “We need to validate their truth, document their truth, and when possible, show them the truth. Trauma is subjective. Therefore, we must present the facts as they were, and then it becomes the child’s job to reframe it, repackage it, and put it together in their understandable form.” Keck said, “I think that in our efforts to protect hurt children, we often hurt them more. Somehow we want things to be nice or seem nice. I think that as a result of this, we want to reframe things so that they are comfortable enough for us to tolerate. In doing this, we often leave [children] incomplete, confused, and more unclear that they were. We as parents often want to change our child’s past reality. That is not our job,” Keck pointed out.

• The book also offers ways to share age-appropriate information to a child on various issues like drugs and physical abuse, and other forms which may have placed them in care.

• Tools are outlined to aid interactive communication from parent to child like a lifebook, life map, eco map, family tree, family collage, bibliotherapy/videos, pretend play with a phone or puppets, tell or write a story, pick a feeling card, card game to help them understand various adult roles in life (foster/adoptive family and professional), and write a letter or journal.

• Understand in Transracial adoption – listen more, talk less. Be the bridge builder and be ok that I can’t be a part of their culture that doesn’t include you. You need to understand your child’s experience, not direct the action.

The above points sum up all that we took from the book and are learning or continuing to apply. I would recommend this book for potential and current foster and adoptive parents.

Pray with us to move mountains

I know prayer works and moves mountains! 
Though names and details must remain discreet I ask that your prayers be as specific as possible, in trust that God knows every detail.

While we love through this undetermined season 
and wait to know if we can adopt this child, please pray:

• The Lord's will for a "forever family" for this child is determined soon, either through his biological family or ours through adoption. That we would trust God alone for the best outcome He desires. That the many unknown factors will come to light and best reality for the child will be considered by all involved, and that God would prepare his heart to be ready for the family He will provide him.

• That both of our sons will have a tender heart for the Lord to work in – that no matter where life takes him he will know that Jesus is beside him every step of the way – and he would come to know Jesus as his Lord and Savior. Pray also that God transform his life and heart so that he would be able to forgive those who have wronged him.

• That we will remain his last home – he has already experienced four foster homes before moving in with us. We have committed to be here for him as long as he needs us so he can have stability and love which is required to build the self-esteem needed to grow into a responsible, caring adult.

• Pray that God would draw this child’s biological family to Himself and that they would
experience the life transformation only God can give.

• Pray that his current therapy will continue to progress so that he's able to deal with entrenched pain and move toward restoration and healing.

• Pray that as he begins a new year at a new school that he will make a few solid, healthy friendships and be able to focus on his schoolwork and do his best. 

• That Steve and I will would have wisdom and would experience God’s grace as we parent
our children.

• That we as a family receive the support we need from our communities where we live, work, school, worship, and play.

“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened
to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who
knocks it will be opened.”
—Matthew 7:7-8 NASB

Loving through the roller coaster process

We know that as foster parents there's a chance we are only in this child's life for a season. Still we live each day as if he's ours forever by giving him 100% of our unconditional love, through raising him to know God beyond his former circumstances, to be known as one of God's adopted children, and possibly adopted into a family whose mission in life is to help him know, love, and serve the Lord with all of his heart.

Giving of ourselves worth every second
We give though we know we may never receive – doesn't that reflect God's amazing grace?

I took off four weeks of work when he first moved in with us to help him know we are truly HERE for him, that we care about every detail that makes him who he is, and will love him as he works through past hurts.
> I fully believe this is part of why we've had such a great beginning and foundation for love and trust with one another. Prayers covering all of us is the greater cause behind the beauty of it all.

I volunteered at our church's VBS and moved my older son down to our foster son's grade level for the week so that we could worship, learn, and play together.
> Two months later, my heart smiles when I hear both of our boys belting out the words to the music learned that week – as they sing truths of the Lord's greatness. 

Steve and I sat outside his Sunday School classroom on the floor with him for five weeks until he felt comfortable with all the new faces that lie beyond the glass door.
> Now we see him actively participating and excited about bringing his new Bible to church and also sitting with us in worship as a family. He also occasionally joins us in family prayer and let me tell you the prayers of a child are a beautiful reminder of the faith God asks of us – and the prayer of a child who is thankful for the security, love, trust, and safety he has in the moment is even more precious.

We have taken responsibility to help therapists, case workers, and specialists involved to know him deeper. Deeper than what's on paper or more hidden than what his professional diagnosis may be. We have been vigilant in helping them see our foster son on a day-to-day level, and have been the information gate for helping them understand the entrenched issues and pain that have arised in a conversation or activity we face.
> After five weeks of therapy, the first six weeks was a difficult transition as we weren't supplied a steady therapist group, he is finally willing to talk on a deep-rooted level that deals with past hurts and new revelations.

We have asked for special exceptions so that my mom could be approved to watch our foster son in her home, in addition to our home. While we waited for my mom's house to be approved, she sacrificed time away from her husband while she lived with us for five weeks of the summer so she could be there early in the morning as Steve and I left for work.
> We have seen these weeks of remaining summer to be valuable times of bonding, building trust, and one-on-one time he can't get in a daycare.

Still, as we hope for him to be forever a part of our family, we get a few reminders along the way that this may not be the reality, and it saddens me.

Our most recent reminder was just this morning when I heard from his case worker that we shouldn't plan our surprise trip to Disney World in the Fall. Because as we love and wait, we just don't know how long this season is. Forget the logistics of asking off from work, and reserving space at a hotel, and purchasing tickets, the sadness that overwhelmed me is because we want to give to him everything we can while he's part of our family and we are told to hold off.

Prayer moves mountains – please pray with us

Schooling the parents

We are gearing up for school and trying to prepare our new seven-year-old for the second grade, while getting our 8-year-old ready for third, and figuring out how to juggle school dynamics of the two different schools they'll be attending. To help acclimate our foster son to the after-school program he'll be attending, we dropped him off today for a school prep day. A day where the class, along with his foster brother, are going to the movies and a picnic. We thought it would be fun as well as give him a head start in getting comfortable with a new environment, right? Hopefully the end of the day will have better results than the beginning of our day today. No matter how much prep work we do in conversation, repetition, expressing upcoming schedules for the week/day, we as the parents are being schooled and we still have a lot to learn.

As a parent of a child who had seven years of a background I may know details about but haven't experienced his pain, sorrow, depression, I find it a challenge to balance recognizing where he's still hurting and healing compared to what should be defined and upheld as the standard for how you live, love, and respect within a family dynamic.

This morning within a 30-minute time span he threw out ten refusals to me. I realize when school actually starts next week we're going to have a difficult time getting out the door and on the school bus, so we'll need to back up wake up time in the a.m. and sleep time the night before, which again he's not going to understand the need for. His stubbornness, pride, and control builds into a stonewall when patience runs low, time runs short to deal with his negative responses, or when he doesn't get his way. Just like most children he wants to assert his will – but his negative response lasts a lot longer and is more intense than most who don't come from his once chaotic background.

This mornings refusals were adamant NO's to what shirt he will wear for the field trip that's required, whether he will choose to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner or not and then attempt to guilt me for not providing for his needs because he can, whether he will say please or yes mam, whether he will stand in the corner for time out, whether he will turn around in the corner, whether he will even go to day care for the school prep day, and ended with him stopping short of walking into the classroom full of new faces. What's out of character for him is not his defiancy, but the number of NO's he demanded in the short amount of time. Two days ago he pushed and pushed for us to buy him a skull decorated item – either for his book bag, a notebook, a door knocker, and on a pair of flip flops. I know skulls are trendy right now, ranging in iconic style in black/white and pink with bows on them for the girls. But I have put my foot down and am repeatedly having to tell him no to any bad guys, scary toys, and skulls. He doesn't understand how we are protecting his mind and heart from things that are not pure, lovely, and good.

Often times we question how hard we are on him or if we're not tough enough. The line is a fine and  delicate one – we pray for God's discernment as parents to help us be wise in drawing it. He has lived in our home for eleven weeks now so the things he still chooses to control are things he fully knows our expectation of. We give him choices in how he wants to do what we've asked so both parties still get it done, but sometimes the choices aren't enough. How do you help a child see their pride? How do you help a child see that the issue they're holding on to may not be the battle they really want to control, but there's a deeper battle within from past hurt?

I imagine I will pick him up today and he will talk all about the wonderful day they had together at his soon-to-be aftercare program. He will have forgotten about the adamant defiance he exhibited this morning. Maybe the rest of the evening we'll have one or two more battles and we'll start fresh tomorrow with new mercies like our Lord gives. Right now we take it one step at a time and are working on two days with no negative response from him as we teach him our response and love should not be conditional to what happens in our lives – through the good and bad.

So though we may feel like we're going back to parenting school as we learn from trial and error how to parent two boys, but it's really God who is the teacher to us through it all. The Lord shows his unconditional compassion and love to me when I am defiant, stubborn, prideful, and unwilling. I'm just passing along how my Father above parents me – the best I know how. I hope He gets a few laughs and smiles at the beauty of it all.