Lessons From a Boo-Boo

Lately we have experienced a number of days of our foster son's hardest days since he's been in our home. It's been real tough and we have felt down, overall. But even in the trials we always have hope because we know that the Lord is fighting for all of us – we are not alone in this spiritual battle over our dear little one. Our son is not alone in his battle over surrendering his pain, anger, unforgiveness, past, and future – we know Jesus is carrying him and will get him through. 


My husband never ceases to amaze me at the incredible parent he has become. When we first met I was a single mom with a 2.5 year old. Even now he fears holding new babies because they might break in his arms. For years I had prayed for an incredibly good looking, yes I included my human desire, and a man who loves God, me, and my son. And our paths crossed, for which I will forever hold on to as a blessing from our sovereign Lord. Now we are both parents of a seven and eight-year-old boys, together.

I recall recently one particular moment when our foster son was able to calm down from a melt down spurred by something beyond his control. Steve took advantage of that time to teach him how his pain and anger was like the boo-boo on Steve's elbow (he got from his fall when we took the boys roller skating).  He taught him the biology of how the body was created to heal an injury with a scab. He shared with him that many times we try to help the body heal faster with a little ointment and a band-aid. My heart melted when I heard Steve say, "Son, Mommy and I are here to be your ointment and band-aid. You have to let us help you. We are sorry for the boo-boo you have inside, but that boo-boo didn't come from us. We wish we could have been there to protect you so that you weren't hurting inside so." Steve then pointed to the paper award chart we have on our fridge which our foster-son tore up into pieces in the heat of his anger and threw at me. Once he settled down we found him taping it back together and re-hanging it on the fridge. Steve told him that though he taped that paper together it's not quite the same, it looks different, but it can still be used for good. Our wounds on the inside, which we can't see, can't simply be taped back together because it takes much more time to heal. The healing of our wounds on the inside can't even be sped up with ointments and band-aids. We need each other and God to help get us through and make us complete again.


I am so thankful for Steve, his heart for our children, and his desire to point them to the Lord in every opportunity we can. I am thankful on this difficult journey where we are confident we will see beauty come from ashes, as we've seen in our lives many times before, that we have hope in promises from our creator. We are not alone. We will win this battle with God's hand on us. Please continue to pray over all of us.

I recently posted about my personal boo-boos on my Facebook page so that my friends and family could know how to pray for our current struggles: I have about 6 DVDs on how to parent a child from a hard place, 10 books on adoption and Christ's unconditional love, books on being a prayer warrior and leading your kids to Christ, therapists giving us and our foster son lame tools for handling his behavior, and case managers telling us he is not our son – in fact, he is the state's child though we love him as our own. We can't do anything to stop his behaviors with any amount of control, other than rewards and consequences, because all else of being a parent is against policy. So we feel like helpless parents. Forget all the books and psychological seminars that we can't seem to find time to delve into right now. I need my Lord first!
 
And God has been pouring out His love for me by showing me His promises that heal time and time again. 

A sweet co-worker who saw my post pointed out to me a lovely woman in the Bible who was faced with loss, love, and legacy – Ruth. There were two women who were faced with a decision on their journey. Orpah wept and went away and Ruth wept and moved forward. Kelly Minter adds, "The apostle Paul wept, but didn’t allow his grief to stop his forward motion while the rich young man walked away from Christ with great sadness. It’s difficult to point a finger at Orpah or the rich young ruler because we too may have turned back in the face of loss or adversity. But how great the honor and reward of Ruth and Paul who, in their tears, kept walking forward."

I'm claiming God's promise in Isaiah 58:8-12 for our dear son:
Then your light will appear like the dawn, and your recovery will come quickly.
Your righteousness will go before you, and the Lord's glory will be your rear guard.
At that time, when you call, the Lord will answer; when you cry out, He will say, 'Here I am.'
If you get rid of the yoke among you, the finger-pointing and malicious speaking, and if you offer yourself to the hungry, and satisfy the afflicted one, then your light will shine in the darkness, and your night will be like noonday.
The Lord will always lead you, satisfy you in a parched land, and strengthen your bones.
You will be like a watered garden and like a spring whose waters never run dry.
Some of you will rebuild the ancient ruins; you will restore the foundations laid long ago; you will be called the repairer of broken walls, the restorer of streets where people live. (Isaiah 58:8-12 HCSB)

Psalm 94:16-19
"Who stands up for me against the wicked? Who takes a stand for me against evil doers? If the Lord had not been my helper, I would soon rest in the silence [of death]. If I say, 'My foot is slipping,' Your faithful love will support me, Lord. When I am filled with cares, Your comfort brings me joy." 

Isaiah 41:10
"Fear not, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

I'm trying not to be consumed with the current issues, but I've also got to hunker down and be my kid's biggest fan and prayer warriors in this season too! 

Shoes for Orphans in Africa

Thank you to all of you who supplied items and those of you who were able to give 2 hours of your Sunday evening to make shoes for orphans in Africa.

We learned of the plight of the jigger, a sand flea, that lays it's eggs under the toes and in the sole of the feet for those who don't have clean environments nor shoes to protect them.
The jiggers grow, multiply, and burrow their way deep into the feet making it difficult and painful to walk to school. Sole Hope is the organization we partnered with to help provide protection,
while they take the shoes we prepared, get local Africans to sew them together for a fair wage, provide education on how to prevent/treat jiggers, and why Jesus cares for them.

We had 14 people help cut 240 pieces of fabric or plastics to make 20 pairs of shoes last night in just 2 hours! And we have many more supplies to have another Shoe-cutting party in 2013.


Here are some photos from last night's gathering – our kids helped too!

 

 

The Disney reveal and adventure

So one of the exciting things about being a parent is sharing in the joy of the newness with your child. Whether your child is biological, a foster child, or you're an adoptive family, there's new experiences together and sometimes new feats for the very first time for your child – no matter what age they come to you as. Though our foster son is seven years old, we have enjoyed many of his firsts with him like roller skating, learning how to swim, carving pumpkins, being active in a church, hay rides, roller coasters, visiting local attractions like corn mazes, Stone Mountain, and now the greatest fun – Disney World!

With all the fun and exciting newness also comes the many firsts that sadden your heart along this journey. Your child passing the year mark of a trauma-versary or being in foster care for a year. The first year of celebrating holidays with the only family your child had known before coming into care and five families in the foster system before you. New seasons are always a reminder of your adoptive or foster child's past and pain, but many new great memories can be made too.

We wanted to reveal our trip to Disney to the boys in a special way. We had decided to purchase punched-out letters at the Dollar Store that spell out the word. Each day they had good behavior we would reward them with a letter which they would use to unscramble the surprise. We quickly realized that this month wasn't the best time to reward good behavior with earning of letters, because good behavior wasn't going to show it's face too often from our foster son. After all, past anniversaries and future adoption realizations are all coming into play – all of which can trigger emotional breakdowns. So we simply began handing them letters, earned or not, to keep a positive focus on the surprise for a moment or so. Nine days before we were to leave for our trip, the boys had all 15 letters to spell out Walt Disney World. It took a few clues from us to get the 45 min. unscramble process moving along so we could still make bedtime at a decent hour. Once they got it, they got it, and with much excitement. Then, like typical children, they thought we were leaving right then. They weren't too thrilled about having to wait nine whole days! I wish I could post the video of the reveal.

A family trip to Disney with young ones can be just as exciting as it is exhausting because of the full day of energy expected from everyone. So we had some expected issues, but nothing we couldn't handle in public and nothing like the five difficult days prior to our leaving.

Lots of wonderful memories were made together and our foster son believes it was all SO magical! From the princesses (who I caught him checking out because they are pretty) to Mickey, he was enthralled. Our bio son is 15 months older and very literal so he was quick to tell our other son the truth about magic not being a reality. But we asked him to let his brother believe in it, enjoy it, if only for a short while. He hasn't had many opportunities to dream big and believe big like a child should, and so, we agree, it's magical.

To watch him act like an innocent child just melted my heart. To see him get excited that Mickey Mouse himself left us a voice mail on our hotel room phone, acknowledge that Mickey must have felt special that we visited him in person twice, get autographs/pictures with the pretty princesses (his favorite being Snow White), pretend to be a Star Wars character while dressed in costume and sword fighting while running through the parks, and sob uncontrollably when he believed Mickey was getting hurt when he was fighting the evil guys were all tender moments. We treasure these tender moments because it's in these times we can smile along with him or hold him when he was deeply sad. There were moments where we heard sweet giggles coming from the back seat. There were moments like the time I saw our foster son put his arm around our bio son just because they're brothers and buddies, and they love one another.

Thank you Disney, for a great trip for a family who is loving one another through the difficult and better days to teach there is such things like magic and simple joys of childhood. 

Overwhelming response for first Orphan Care gathering

So thrilled our fellow SHC families showed up on a recent Sunday evening. Not only did 40+ people and their children they mark their spot in a chair with a warm body, but we got to hear their hearts and passion that God has already been stirring in their lives for His vulnerable children.
We had younger couples, couples who had been married for longer seasons, single people, and staff all come together to begin a great community for this movement to make a difference. They heard testimonies from us, the Smiths, and a church staff person on how God brought us on this adoption journey.

One of the Smith's girls playing with the colorful prayer reminder clothespin dolls 20+ SHC families painted.

There are 14.7 million orphans worldwide. That means each clothespin doll Andy and Lea Smith, and us, Kelly and Steve Hopkins, are holding here represents 14,700 children who don't have parents who can care for them.

Steve setting up the technological side of things for our meeting. Yes, we even found him high on a ladder pulling wires to get the connections just right. I love my I.T. nerd.

Our dear friend Lea and her daughter detailing out the ministry's purpose and plans to put feet to it. 

We hope they left feeling encouraged, excited, and with eyes wide open for how God will continue to orchestrate things perfectly to bring them along His plans for living out James 1:27 in their lives.
And the food ... yes, Southern Baptists pride themselves on the incredible food we share when we get together.

We worked together to put a list of already generating ideas we can do in order to make a difference under one of our three focal areas.

Sugar Hill's Orphan Care ministry is about three small things for the one big thing – the orphan.
1 • We are having gatherings each month to emphasize Community in our church where families can get together and play at the park together, or lean on each other for support and encouragement while we each care for the orphan in our own ways.
2 • We will also help families by giving them Tools & Resources for those who may be on the journey to adopt or already parenting children from hard places
3 • And we will get our hands dirty by serving the needs of these children through various Missions projects 

God calls us all to care for the orphan and the widow. Does that mean it looks the same for everyone? No. What it does mean is we can all do something. You may be a single person, a high school student, an older couple who finally has that empty nest, or a family whose house is already full – but we can all make a difference for those children who need safe, loving families together.

Lessons From a Corn Husk

Our story, our family's story, begins with a corn maze. Steve and I were friends for a year until we got lost in a corn maze together. Hey, this is a clean story people! In fact, Steve didn't share his feelings for me until later that night when watching Georgia beat Auburn during their infamous black-out game. And so, our family tradition of getting lost in a corn maze each year began. Here's a photo from that moment when Steve and I were just friends back in 2007.

We hadn't realized five years later we'd be married and have a new child added to our family. We also hadn't realized this month would be the absolute most reeling and difficult month we would experience thus far in reference to our foster son's behavior. We had to lower the bar so that he could experience success and help him move forward one step at a time. This month he has had 6 good days in a row. That's about all we saw of the tender, sweet, loving, wonderful child we have grown to love unconditionally.

When we were making memories with our boys in a local corn maze recently we were halted because we had to handle a break down our foster son was having all of a sudden admist the sea of corn. I overheard Steve share with our foster son an incredible message of love and hope. (By the way, we only call him foster son on this blog so you understand who I am sharing about since I cannot use names. We love and treat him as one of our sons.) Steve pulled a corn off it's husk and asked our foster son to hold it.

He showed him the many layers of husk that wrapped around the rows of kernels. As he pulled back the husk Steve told him all those layers are the experiences that have happened to him before he came to us. Some of those layers are very painful. Some of those layers are wonderful memories. All of those layers together has made him very angry. But as we pull back those layers, we find the corn. That's the core of who he is. As those layers cover up the beautiful, gold, nutritious, vegetable, so do his layers of pain, heartache, and anger cover up the child we know is there deep down, the child God created, and we want to see more of his core. He no longer has to hide under those layers. He no longer has to be angry.

We are saddened that he has experienced so much tragedy at such a young age, that we couldn't be there to protect him, and point him to Jesus for strength through it all. We have broken hearts for our son who has so many layers covering the beautiful, strong, healthy, loving boy underneath. But we have hope because we have Christ. And so does he.

Amongst a thunderstorm of behavior we have seen this week he settled his behavior for a moment and got real and deep at bedtime in another conversation with Steve. He asked Jesus in to his heart and admits he wants to surrender his anger to the Lord. That's a life time of a lesson, to surrender all. We will learn to surrender all, together. We are thankful he now has the gift of the Holy Spirit to help him pull back the layers and we have hope he will shine like that fresh, golden corn.

One detail I'd like to share further about this community corn maze we visited. I am all at once bewildered and appreciative of decisions the owner's of this corn maze have made in response to my speaking up.

Our family has enjoyed multiple trips through the years to the Buford Corn Maze, even brought many groups from our church as well. We enjoy passing the field throughout the year and watch the seeding, growing leading up to the Fall, and harvesting afterwards. However, this year as we drove past the field we diverted our children's eyes away because of a near 20' advertisement they had posted right on the road. In promotion of the Haunted Forest they displayed an image that would normally be found in a rated-R movie – a zombie-looking bloody man and a female. I'm sure we are not unlike many parents who understand that at Halloween companies must offer a variety of events/products for all ages, but is it too much to ask that that one image be replaced with a logo of the Haunted Forest instead of real-life horror imagery? What shocked us even more is that the corn maze is located right between two family-heavy locations with an elementary school in front and a daycare behind. I have heard other parents sharing the same concern. After contacting them about this concern we were pleased to see them value the community's concern as they replaced the image with a black and white photo of woods within a week's time frame. They thanked us for speaking up. That was in August.

This last weekend though we noticed the former image was back up. We tried to ignore it so our children wouldn't notice it, but they were rubber necking as we drove past and asked many questions about the image they are well aware of us asking for its removal. It's disheartening to see a company who we spoke so highly of acknowledging a real concern go back on their word. And for that, we will no longer be patrons. I contacted them once again about their reversed decision and the next day the woods photo was re re-placed. I'm not sure why they have been inconsistent with their decisions on advertising. I hope you understand I know we can't possibly protect our children from everything they will see and experience. But what I can impact I will keep trying.

 

Praying with expectancy, even in the harder seasons

This month has been a tough season – for all four of us. We know that trials come and go and is a part of the journey of adoption as everyone adjusts to one another, and we've had them. Our days have been up and down for five months, but this month the intensity has risen to another level. I guess we got caught off guard because our foster son had 21 days of good behavior last month so we rose the bar for expected behavior, but quickly realized he wasn't succeeding this time. We are 16 days into this month and he's only had three good days. We question our parenting again as we try to implement new styles to help a child from a hard place, but then we remember this month is a significant month for him, and realize it wasn't the right time to raise the bar. The reason? He's been in care for a year and is having anniversaries to deal with – he's grieving again and is full of deep sorrow. While the reality of his future is getting less foggy, there's still darkness to lift and healing to happen as possibility of his adoption into our family settles in. So though we may be emotionally and mentally exhausted, we recognize the new found compassion God gives us for this precious child who has suffered much. Yes he may be fighting us, but it's not about us. He's fighting all the pain he has taken in and learning how to handle it. We are here to teach him how to do that in a healthy way and surrender all of it to our sweet Lord. Thank you dear Lord for letting us be a part of this child's restoration and purposeful life you've given him, and for trusting him in our care. We are trying our best to love him where he is, trusting you with the rest.

New journeys call for new memories and we have had the joy of sharing many first experiences with our son. This month we have been able to see him try out roller skates for the first time and get lost in a corn maze with us. Soon we are taking them on a surprise trip to Disney World – and we are busting at the seams to tell them! He's also recently joined a local Cub Scouts den, and though he hasn't felt comfortable enough to join the boys in the activities, he's slowly getting there through watching them be boys together. Last night at the Cub Scouts meeting, he met two new friends, one who is a foster child himself. I am so excited he will have a friend in his den that is going through a lot of the same experiences and questions. I'm praying this will be a special friendship and bond for him. Though many painful memories may haunt him for the rest of his life, we pray that God will help him heal in a way that they hurt much less, that he can choose to be full of joy no matter what life brings him because he learns that Jesus is with him every step of the way. We pray that the new memories we share as a family will be the solid foundation he can always pull from that makes him smile and knows he is loved by many.

It may seem that we have high expectations for ourselves, for our son, and for our family. But really, we are praying with expectancy that God will remain true in His promises as He always has. We know that God can do much with even a little faith. Jesus can make a blind man see, a lame man walk, a woman clean of years of disease, a leper clean, a dead friend made alive, a cut-off ear healed, calm a raging storm, multiply the provisions we seemingly have to feed the masses, have authority over this world so that water is a solid floor under his feet, a tree made fruitful again that was once withered, and withdraw demon-possessed people out from their darkness. Jesus did these miracles by touch, through authoritative words, and many without physically being present – because He is Jesus, Lord of all. All we have to do is have faith.

Debb Marquez, a fellow adoption blogger I recently came across here, shares the difference between praying with expectations and praying with expectancy:
[The Lord] wants us to have child-like faith that He will answer ~ but He doesn’t want us to tell Him HOW or WHEN to answer our prayers! He doesn’t want us to pray with expectations of the details. He wants us to pray with excited anticipation and assurance that He will answer our heart’s cry. He just doesn’t want us to go about telling Him how to do it! {ouch!}

We have faith in God's big purposes for this child's life. After all, he is one of God's own. 

Valuing what the boys see

I love the constant reminders of what it's like to see the world through a child's eyes. Most times it's so beautiful and precious, a reminder to slow down and inhale deeply the creation of God or the little things that really are important. Sometimes, through the eyes of our foster son, we see a different picture. He is altogether sweet and precious, while also not so innocent in some ways, but he's still very much a child of God and a constant reminder of God's love and healing – nothing is wasted. As we help him learn to enjoy the innocent things of childhood, we encourage their imaginations, and celebrate the little things that are huge to them, because we see that when we value what's important to them we grow closer. And so, just as we expected, their favorite stuffed animals visited us at our workplaces a few more days after Wolfie's initial day of adventure with daddy.

Thankful the Lord cares about the cares of our world and spends these connecting moments with us to make us feel loved too. Thank you Jesus for modeling everything we need as parents.

Here's a glimpse of Wolfie & friends' adventurous day with me at work.

  

And here's a second day visit with Steve at work.

Connecting on levels big and small

Both of our boys were so ecstatic to learn of one of their dear stuffed animals adventurous day with Daddy as they asked him to take Wolfie to work with him. Our foster sons eyes lit up as he told Steve how well he took care of his Wolfie for the day. Our bio son hugged Steve and told him he really is a great daddy! So this moment marks a connecting point for us and the boys – where they continue to learn what's important to them is important to us.

You see, as you add to your family whether through adoption or biologically, parents learn of the constant struggle to balance what you do for one child and another, also learning that it can't always fully balance out. Our bio son grew up with a favorite stuffed animal, and for those who know him, you know it looks like a well-loved and worn to the threads bunny that he's had since his first Easter. She, yes it's a 'she', still sleeps with him and helps him with his boo-boos. We recorded many of her adventures with our son in a digital album we printed from over the years.

So here we are – an attempt to show our foster son how much we care about the things he cares about, no matter how small.  Now they are pleading with us to now allow all of their precious stuffed animals to shadow us on work days, one-by-one. Oh my! What have we started?

Glowing in more ways than one!

Rewards in our home don't come to the perfect, but for those who humble themselves, ask forgiveness and move on. After all God tells us in Luke 6:36 to "be merciful, just as your Father is merciful." When we mess up God allows us to feel the mess up, but He also loves us through it and forgives us when we ask for it. So we try to model this for our boys. Just as there are days where we celebrate in the pleasures of life and playing like a child with our children, we also ride the waves of loss and mourning that come with adoption because the reality of the process and changing of relationships sets in throughout our days together.

This weekend and past week hasn't been an easy one. That line has been ridden every day and it's gone up and down throughout the day as our foster son allows his life to be filtered through his emotions. But we are proud of him – he's come so far in learning how to settle down before he gets too angry, has learned to use his words, and ask for forgiveness. So he gets the reward. Friday night he had earned a Roller Skating Family Night out and although my husband and I alternated sitting on the sidelines with him coaching him to give his wheels a spin, he eventually trusted our arms enough to hold him and pull him along. That smile was well worth the work. Our other son zoomed past us throughout the night as he dared new feats like backwards skating and cutting in front of middle school girls for a giggle. Boy do we have our hands full, but we thank the Lord for His plans and for blessing us with them both. Saturday night our foster son also earned the long-awaited Glow Stick Dance Party. Steve and I didn't have to dance along with them as they were content to have a neighborhood friend over for the dance scene. And you better believe it, I grabbed a quick photo of the glowing movement before they were off to take over the back yard in the pitch black. Not only do I have a passion for photography and run a business on the side of my design work, but I also love taking pictures of my family. I have been itching to share all of the fun memories we've been building with our foster son, but for his protection I am not free to do that just yet. So, this will have to do and I'm happy to share something, no matter the form.

And so the boys were glowing from two nights of mayhem getting to blow bedtime out of the water and enjoy the rewards they've earned with back-to-back family nights. And Steve and I are glowing from other somethings we have to share. I received the call I've been sharing about in my last couple posts. The call – the one where we learn where our next step is, toward adoption for our beloved foster son, or not. At first I was just told we would be having a face-to-face meeting this Thursday and when asked of any updates, a hesitant pause was heard over the phone, and then his case worker simply stated it needs to wait until Thursday when we can discuss it in person. I hung up a little disheartened and ready to text my husband to pray along with me. As soon as I was she had called back and said she couldn't do that to us – as we've already been sitting on the edge of our seats for 2.5 months waiting for this call. She shared that we are moving forward on adoption! And so, my Monday feels a lot lighter. I got the green light to add him to our Disney travel plans for November and can't wait to share with them the surprise of Disney we have been busting at the seams to tell them. I laugh to myself now when I remember our foster son asking us when he first moved in four months ago, "Do you people ever go on vacation?" Well we've been ready to go, we just had to wait as we were told he may be removed from our arms before we planned to leave for the trip. But no more waiting!

Though we are trusting God with every step of this process, it has been grueling. Your heart gives it's all, but in the back of your mind you try to prepare yourself for the potential loss. So, nothing is finalized, no dates have been set, there is still much of the process ahead, but this was a huge step forward. As I was sharing with some of our family though, as we celebrate we need to be mindful that with adoption also comes loss. Though we want to celebrate we must remember our foster son's need for mourning. It must be so difficult to dig through the emotions of feeling love, safety, healing in some directions, and the connection you have with your biological mom/family, their love and memories. It will take years I'm sure to deal with the realization of rejection and choices that put him in this place, in our arms. And that breaks our hearts. So we will mourn and celebrate with him. However that journey looks for him I pray that God will give us exactly what he needs so that he can deal with these roller coaster emotions in a healthy way and that we can remain a positive support and unconditional love for him even if he takes out his emotions on us. So we glow, we continue to wait, we pray, and we mourn together.

Thoughts from Empowered to Connect Conference

[Romanticizing orphan care and adoption is so very easy and tempting to do.
But orphan care and adoption always involve suffering. Just ask any birthmother or a child who is one of several hundred orphans in an international orphanage or a family that is experiencing the high-ups and low-downs of the adoption process or the family that is overwhelmed by the challenges of the post-adoption journey. There is no such thing as orphan care and adoption without suffering. There is, however, redemption, healing, and hope promised by our Lord.]

We just got back from traveling to Nashville, Tenn. for the Empowered to Connect Conference where 1000+ parents were equipped with hope and answers to the many questions each family navigates toward healing for. We heard many stories from families who have walked this journey for years, how they leaned on God to strengthen their marriage and family while they worked through challenges, and heard the more answers than questions now available to adoptive and foster families. We walked away challenged to research and dig more, to be better parents, to love through more compassionate eyes, and simply encouraged. We met several foster families from our area for lunch, thanks to our awesome adoption agency, Bethany Christian Services, who connected us for the trip.
We met some families who are about to begin this journey and others who have traveled through it for 20+ years – and we all walked away with something practical and encouraging. Dr. Karyn Purvis, who authored "The Connected Child", was the main speaker. If you haven't read her book yet I encourage you to do so. We purchased her entire set of DVD's from her lecture series where she teaches at Texas Christian University and from her research of case studies - which we plan on sharing in our church's Orphan Care ministry so we can learn together. This post is worth bookmarking and coming back to as I have listed a lot of solid info. I gathered from attending this conference.

Some of those practical tools given to parents I'm going to share here - not just for those who are on the adoption journey, but we found it helps us improve our parenting overall. We've realized there are some things we have done right, by pure instinct or God-led or trial and error, and there are other tactics we need to toss and implement healthier ones. We will be reworking our parenting for both our biological and foster sons, becoming more aware of their spirit, broken or hurt, having more compassion and seeing life through their eyes, as we do our best to coach them toward healthier lives.
It was encouraging to learn so much of the neuroscience and psychology behind why our brains function the way they do, how trauma impacts our brains function, and how every bit of what we learn is already biologically ordained. 

Here are some of my notes I thought you may find helpful as you look at how you choose to parent:
• The biggest thing we walked away from this conference with is to keep your hands to the plow. Jesus replied, "No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God," Luke 9:62. Keep researching, learning, digging, discovering, connecting with your child(ren). There are answers. Many of the families we heard from shared how much more answers, support, and understanding come with time and as Dr. Purvis put it, "Isn't it great with science catches up with God?"
•  Keep a journal for a week. Identify difficult moments, triggers, predictable issues. (We actually began this a few weeks ago and it really does give a clear overall picture)
• We must remember that children from hard places have missed thousands of hours of nurture, parental investment, and giving of their voice. Give children voice and you will not lose authority or respect, you will gain it. If early care fails, everything else downstream fails with it. No matter what age your child comes into your family, they need to be given what was biologically ordained.
• Neglect is just as harmful as abuse. Abuse says, "I don't like you," while neglect says, "You don't matter."
• "Good parenting is recognizing a child's need and deferring to it." (Sharing power) Dr. Karyn Purvis
• The human brain takes two years to learn self-regulation – don't let up. Adoptive child needs you with them, not just by them or nearby. Kids from hard places come to us in survival mode. We need to continue connecting with them while teaching them to self-regulate.
• "I though it was all about making him mine, but it was about the journey to me becoming all his." – Michael Monroe (paraphrase; Tapestry - Adoption/Foster Care Ministry of Irving Bible Church)
• "The professional is your empowerment tool, you as parents are foster/adoptive child's vessel of healing." – Dr. Karyn Purvis (paraphrase)
• Since kids from hard places live in survival mode they can have a hair trigger stress system. Have compassion, remember it doesn't mean they are a bad kid and when their need is met their behavior is regulated. The highest risk kids are also the most tender-hearted, but often resort to the most aggressive survival strategies that look like bad behavior. Seeing behind the behavior is a difficult thing to do in the moment. Under the violence is deep sadness.
• Be aware of the body, soul, and spirit. If we don't have connection, nothing else matters because we are creatures for connection for we have a God who tends to all of our needs. The more connecting  you do, the less correcting needed and vice-versa.We have seen a basic need for H2O in our foster son. When he's about to get more angry we offer him water or tend to his other needs - and he immediately settles down. It's amazing to watch. We learned that dehydration effects the cognitive area of the brain and the metabolism. If dehydrated it will fire glutomate internally which is responsible for depression and violence. It was suggested that hydration, food, and sensory activities should be practiced every two hours. We take away the child's need for aggression and violence (survival skills) by meeting their needs and giving voice, which helps them heal. The gift of voice is the first gift that needs to be given back to them.
• Children perceive what you're communicating mostly from your warmth and tone of your voice, 65% body language, 1/3 tone. Only 7-8% perceive from your actual words. Talk less, listen more and connect. Use slow words, firm tone, strength in your body language. When danger drops, drop yourself back, ask for more words/their voice, ask for compromise/two positive choices.
• Coach your child(ren) to respond better. Be proactive and positive – rather than stopping action, child begins to stop intention. Find the right words that speak life values repeatedly to their age level. You want them to listen and obey when we ask, not threaten:
"You wanna try that again with kindness/respect?"; "Listen and obey the first time"; "You want a do-over/re-do?"; "Do you want to ask me for a compromise?"
We give a primitive brain stem message because the kids we serve can only process a small amount of info. at a time. The region of the brain that tells you are safe and can connect with others enables you to use your words.
• Create/Connect/Correct through play. We have noticed with our foster son that if he gets in his "no" mode there is nothing we can do if we continue to fight the yes/no battle – he simply turns up the defiancy and power struggle. Instead, we have learned to offer him choices or a compromise and you can almost "see" him coming down from the protective mountain and moving away from his "fight, flight, or freeze" mode. Child doesn't need more control, they need more connection. When they act up, we tend to raise structure when we really need to raise nurture. Do your children believe you by what you say or by what you threaten? 
 • If your child needs structure, you give them nurture and you impede growth; If your child needs nurture, you give them structure then you impede trust.
• Caregivers often can't see the needs of their kids in their care because they haven't healed from their own history. Pay attention to the trends/memories/associations from your past that impact your parenting – love them through their journey, you have to be on your own road to healing. "If you don't pay attention to way you're paying attention to you will not see a change." – Curt Thompson
• The design in nature, biologically ordained, is for a child to whimper and a caregiver to respond. Those responses from the caregivers are saying "yes" to the child. We say thousands of "yeses" to a little one in the first two years of life before we have to say our first no. These yeses are what build trust. For the child that did not get all those "yeses", it takes about one month per year of age of the child of intense therapeutic mentoring and support to bring a child from a hard place to healing and trust.
• During pregnancy is the most dramatic stage of brain development, therefore, the most potential damaging time for a child if mother is under stress. Other major stages of brain development are during first year of life, and ages 5, 8, 12, and 16.
• Feeling valued and safe gives you seratonin which is major ingredient for self-regulation. Eye contact gives you a slope in dopamine which can bring joy, pleasure, memory, and learning. Other things that raise seratonin are touch, nutrition, carb-complex foods, giving voice, and sharing power.
• Don't let your expectations manage you. Flexibility is your friend, expectations are your enemy.
• If your child's anger makes you angry you can't be emotionally available to help him. You are there, but not with. We were called by God to enter in and He is with us. "I will come to you," promises our Lord. Lay down your expectations so you can be your child's resonator. "I hear you, I see you, I feel you, I experience you. I want to understand, tell me more."
• Behavior is an expressed need, misbehavior always has a purpose/function. Stop wind and rain when your child uses words, not behavior in expressing need.
• Research proves brain chemistry is changed with human touch. Find a "bridge" activity.
• Did you know there are calming and alerting foods we eat that talk to our brain chemistry? Sweet foods are calming (hello, chocolate!) and sour foods are alarming. Water is key for hydration.
• 90% of behavior is stopped at the spark, not the blaze.
• Kids can forgive us for our mistakes when they know our heart is with them. This will carry them through. If you have a child older than 20 min. you've likely already messed up, it's ok.
• There is no child that cannot come to deep healing.
• "In understanding the call to adoption know 1. It won't be easy; 2. It will be worth it; 3. Because of numbers 1, 2, don't go at it alone." – Amy and Michael Monroe. God equips the called.
• "I wish I would have known to treat him like a newborn, and not try to play catch-up." – Debra Jones, founder of www.parentingadopteescantrust.com
• Read ch. 7 of "The Connected Child," and discover what your parenting style is
• This conference is the first place I have ever heard of Trust-based Parenting. Look for fear and pain behind the behavior, help the child self-regulate and find their voice.
• Commit to learning and "un-learning"
• Develop a T.E.A.M. (T - Therapist and Counselors; E - Extended Family and Friends; A - Academic Environments and Support; M - Medical Providers)
• Help build confidence, let them know they can win. Mark each task as good and one-forward step. Set them up for success, no matter how low you have to lower the bar initially. Don't wait until perfection in behavior to take off, expect they want to be connected and lead the way.
• Connected Discipline vs. Distancing Discipline: Time-in vs. time-out; bring the child closer vs. sending him away; resolution vs. consequences; problem solving vs. lectures and sermons; advocacy stance vs. adversary
• You may find a favorite strategy in parenting, but it's important to layer them. Dr. Purvis has used 17 tools in 5 minutes before.
• In some instances, an immediate re-do brings shame so just let it go until they self-regulate and know they're precious and safe, then discuss the re-do of behavior for memory correction. Choose nurture before structure.
• Handle "trama"versaries by welcoming their story. Embrace their grief, don't try to fix/edit their painted roses story. They'll eventually open up to the reality of the pain experienced. Let them know their feelings are normal. Be sensitive in knowing these moments can be trigger moments and also opportunities for connection.

As for our boys, we can't just ask anyone to watch our foster son. Though my mom is a state-approved caregiver for him, she isn't approved to watch him overnight. We wanted to protect his fear of going to a random respite care family – nearly each time he's moved to the next foster home he was told they went on a trip of some kind and he didn't see them again, and he's finally made it home to us, his sixth home away from home – we couldn't bare putting him through that as we wanted him to be reassured we were coming back for him after our weekend away. So, thank you to our dear friends who are also on this foster-adopt journey with us. He knows their family and their kids well, and they were open arms to watch him for the weekend. The transition went smoothly for both drop-off and pick-up, and he never questioned our return for him. He knew he was with safe people and he's learned to trust us. Thank you Andy and Lea for helping settle our hearts for our first weekend away from him, for taking in our other son too, and for the cool tie-dye shirts :) Before we left for the conference our foster son wished for us to stay home. We explained how we were going to learn how to be better parents, but he pleaded that we are already great parents. His sentiment melted our hearts, but we reminded him how all of us are always learning from one another.

As we walk with deep joy through "the sufferings of this present time" (Romans 8:18-23) for God's glory and the good of children needing families around this globe.

Choosing to celebrate while we wait

As I shared in the last post, each day we can find ourselves rolling through triage, celebrations, and waiting for answers. The last four days have been so good, almost like our lives in our home are reflective of the fresh fall air that is sweeping through our area or the beautiful sunrises I've seen the last few mornings. On the behavior chart our son has earned four stickers for the last four days – that doesn't mean he's been perfect, because who is, but if a disappointment came his way he settled it quickly and didn't outrage. He shared his feelings with a simple, "Aw man!", and kept going. He didn't filter his anger on everything and everyone. Successful step and we let him know it. So we celebrate. If he gets three more days of stickers we are having a Glow Stick in the Dark Dance Party in our Family room. He can't wait.

But then we have a visit from our foster-to-adopt specialist, and a phone call from his case worker. Still no news, except paperwork to fill out that says we agree with the standard process of removing him from our home if someone should step up in his family to adopt him. It saddens me to read about the time he'll need to say his goodbyes to us, his friends, and teachers. We know there's a chance we may not be able to adopt him, but little reminders like this make it sink in, deeply. We don't have time to grieve, we have to keep celebrating, triaging when necessary, and praying for God's best, whatever that is.

We celebrate all the little moments that are BIG. Like when he calls us mom or dad, not that we are a replacement, because we are not, but we serve that role right now and we are special to him; Or when he wants an extra hug after our family prayers; Or when he wakes up and smiles after we tell him how handsome he is and it's a new beginning each day; Or when he earns the 'Good Samaritan Award' by doing something kind for another without being asked; Or when we catch him opening up his Bible to read or pray on his own (I've seen him kneeling by his bed privately in his room); Or when he waves me down and runs at me with full force when being picked up from school and shares with me about his day; Or when he draws a picture of his family and includes us; Or when he says, "I love you." These are monumental moments in his growth and our relationship with him. I know God celebrates in every moment we spend with him too.

No triage this week. I hesitate to almost type those words as if it would jinx us. But he's halfway through working towards that Glow Stick party and I believe in him, that he won't live defeated, that he will keep striving to the reward. And, if I can manage to get some pictures of that, since the lights will be out, I may be able to post them. The movement of the lights can show the excited activity without revealing faces. I wish I could make this blog more visual from this journey, but that will have to do for now.

So we celebrate and wait to see the determined choice for this child's outcome which only God knows. Again I say, thank God He knows.

On to the next stage: Triage

Part 3 to Truth Tellers

Where you see purple is where I've quoted the words of Jen Hatmaker because of the commonality of the adoption process and her beautiful way in which she put it in words.

On to the next stage: Triage (4-8 months)

We have each just begun to jump two feet in to this stage. I hope to be able to come back to this post and truly say it's 90% wonderful and 10% doing better than "ugly" – but as a friend who commented on my last post reiterated, ugly is in fact beautiful because the Lord makes beauty out of ashes. In this stage, you will hold on to the bigger picture – the progress you do see in your foster or adopted child's daily living which is the evidence that the Lord is at work in your child and yourself/spouse, and the promise of redemptive power over hurting hearts only He can give.

You continue to wait to hear if we are still top priority for giving this child a safe, loving, and healthy home. If you're a foster-to-adopt family any time at all we could GET THE CALL and he's gone in a week's time – just like that. You brace yourselves for this. You begin making a life book of their journey because no one has attempted to put the puzzle pieces together for your child yet. You work on it each night trying to fill in the holes with information, pictures, or memories of theirs to include just in case you get the call that they are no longer yours. You want them to have this life book for the next stepping stone. You think ahead of when they become an adult and question to yourself, What would he/she wish to remember about their life and this season? How can we honor their birth parents and birth family?

You research more. You dive into specifics as you custom tailor how you understand your child's emotions and past experiences. You learn more ways to dig through all the junk and let their heart breathe, let your heart breathe, and help them see they can re-train their response – the way their brain has learned to function. You know evidence of their preciousness and tenderness will keep showing itself. You will see their real self more clearly and more often. They feel safer with you and continue to try out the idea of fitting into your family, not just using you as a stepping stone and gift-giver. Maybe your role as Trauma Counselor won't be forever. You try to put some of your family's normal routine back in schedule – activities like family bike rides and after dinner walks.

You find ways to praise him above the standard expectations, like "Thank you for asking so nicely."
You find that things you've learned from "The Connected Child," like the Praise-Sandwich work.

Ok, even if you're not on the foster or adoptive journey, my husband and I agree this could work in all relationships, even adult ones. If you have to say no, sandwich it with two positive statements on either end. For example, "I am so glad you asked in a kind way to have another snack before dinner, but I'm cooking right now and we'll eat very soon. You may hold onto the snack and if you eat all your dinner you can have it. Thank you for doing so well understanding." Ha! You've got them, they don't even know what's hit them. Or I guess for an adult conversation it could go like this, "Thank you for understanding my need to get this task done. As soon as you get the laundry washed or toilets disinfected we can enjoy family time together. I appreciate you seeing my love language and being such a great spouse." OK – my husband will read this and know what's up my sleeve. Nothing will work to get him to scrub those toilets. But that's fine with me, he does the bills. All relationships have roles and give and take, right?

So, we keep triaging some days. We celebrate most days. And we keep waiting. To see the determined choice for this child's outcome which only God knows. Thank God He knows.

Truth Tellers: The Spaz stage

Part 2 to Truth Tellers

Again, where you see purple is where I've quoted the words of Jen Hatmaker because of the commonality of the adoption process and her beautiful way in which she put it in words.

Spaz (4-6 weeks – 3-4 months)
• The straw that broke the camel's back can be anything and everything at any given moment.
His aggravation begins with something little – who had the water gun first, who got to take shower first, who got out of what side of the car, not liking what his food looks like though over 3 weeks he's discovered that judging a book by it's cover isn't a true test of goodness. There have been a few enraged and out of control fits – with screaming, kicking, hitting, wailing, tantrums that last longer than we have the energy for. There were moments I wasn't sure I could carry this beefy 7-year-old up the stairs to the "Think About It" spot as he deadens his weight and holds onto the spindles so that my arms get weaker and I can't pry his hands from the rails to move up and forward. He has lost his door several times because he hasn't learned yet that it's not allowed for slamming or banging on it out of anger. He used to flee and hide under his bed and fall asleep there so we would have to pick him up and place him on his bed at night, but he is beginning to use his words a little more to express his feelings. He hasn't hid under his bed in some seven weeks now so this must be progress we believe. My husband has had to lug him over the shoulder in an effort to remove him from an unsafe situation. In every such instance which he refused to move on his own he claims he's tired of this earth and tired of this life, or says he doesn't care about being unsafe to himself nor cares that others care. [While my husband strong arms him to safety, he is] drenched in sweat, holding him tight, and whispering love into his ears as he continues to fight and then [our foster son] passes out from exhaustion. 
• Shares desire for his mom to move into his room in our house though we explain that adults prefer to have their own two feet under them and not be dependent on others. And due to this reality, he says he'd rather go to a family member for adoption because he's sure he'll be back in his mom's arms quicker.
• Holds tight to possibility, though low, that he can live with his mom again while experiencing real joy and peace within our family and desiring to be with us too.
• He repeatedly hates the home-cooked food we make him, when something's not fair, reacts from a triggered memory from music, smell, texture of my hair as he compares it to his mom's while showing me how she taught him to braid and he braids mine, to putting the last picture he has of her on a shelf along with all of our other family photos, to opening up and sharing past "scary and gross" (his words) trauma and at the most awkward times and places (specifically, the dinner table). It's not helpful that my husband hasn't made his way home from work when some of these conversations pop up.
• He still refers to himself as dumb, ugly, and stupid though we pour in confidence, love, reassurance of his beauty, wildness, and uniqueness that God created in him. Even so, just yesterday when he and our bio son were fighting over the fire truck on the playground, our bio son got hurt and he told our foster son he is mean. Though completely inappropriate to be said, that word mean translated to even more for our foster son and it was a lesson to us all how deep his hurt remains. He was adamant that he was also told he was dumb, ugly, and stupid. One negative name-calling, turned to four in his mind and he accepts it as true, even after apologies and forgiveness between our boys. Those words have been nearly ingrained in his innermost being.

Your sweet one is grieving. This is not about us – you've learned to not take it personal. This is sorrow, loss, fear, and trauma. It is devastating, disheartening, and confusing. You and your spouse are exhausted, unhinged, question yourselves and how you handle it. Is this making a difference in his life? What about our lives – our bio son's life? Will he grow up and look back at this season and say his character and compassion was built here or is this where his destruction begins?

Your bio son tells you as you tuck him in at night that this is a lot harder than he thought it would be. You tell him you understand and relate to him. You remind him of God's unconditional love for all of us, and of the ways we act up against God's leading and teaching, and still the Lord chooses to love us despite ourselves. People ask you how it's going. You quickly say it's 90% wonderful and 10% ugly, but you know those numbers are off, but you're hopeful so you leave it with that. You want to be real with others about your journey, but you don't want to scare them off to not follow if the Lord is piercing their heart to open their home to a child who needs them. Because the scary or ugly won't last forever, or will it? You discover as time goes on your reply becomes more transparent when you breathe the words, "It's hard, SO hard." You find more training, more books on specific issues, join multiple blog and online discussion groups so that you can get wisdom from others' trial and errors, or simply to know you're not alone. You wonder if you should add to your schedule by joining an adult sports team because exercise and a break for you and your spouse would be good, but then you feel guilty for even thinking such things because your children need your time. Your foster son says hateful and disrespecting things in anger as he fights for control and self-preservation like he's used to, but then when he breaks out of his tantrum he is remorseful most of the time, loving, and reaffirming of his new-found love of being a part of the family. And sometimes you have a pleasant day, almost superficial kind of day – where your foster son attempts to wait on your every need, offers to help in ways he's never attempted before to lift a finger. You and your spouse see a different side of him so you overly praise him for his kindness and thoughtfulness, reminding him that he is a great kid, he is a child of God, he has great purpose, he is smart, he is handsome, he is fun, and he is loved, no matter if he's choosing a good day or a bad one.

At the tail end of three and a half months we are seeing a light, yet sometimes that light still flickers.
The glimpses of affirmation of his love for us has helped us through the tougher moments for sure. But now we can look back and recognize that he has time-limits on his tantrums/shut-down moments – they don't last forever. We have learned ways to help him break out of anger mode before it escalates. We know how to use humor, love, discipline, and boundaries to teach him about obeying authority over you because they know what's best and see the bigger picture. We are feeling more confident in ourselves and less personally attacked by his angry words. He is stabilizing, slowly but surely. But there are days or weeks we feel we have regressed and it's back to square one.

Just last week three surprises in conversations involving our foster son happened and it's just now sinking in how very BIG these are:
• May 18: He overheard a convo I was having with a friend. When asked when he had moved into our home I replied in May. He popped up and said, "18th. May 18th." We hadn't realized how good his memory is with numbers, or at least with important numbers. That's special that the specific date means something to him.
•"Mom": Last week I was picking him up from after care. While I helped him get down from his high swings on the playground he asked me if I heard him when I was pulling into the parking lot. I told him I hadn't heard him and asked what he needed. He needed to tell me that when he saw me pull up he told his new friend there that "my mom is here to pick me up!" I thanked him for making me feel so special, reminding him that though I'm not the only mom in his life it's OK to love us both.
• "Dad": This week as he was eating breakfast before school Steve was making jokes as he always does. The boys love this about him. Our foster son told us he has a friend at school who makes lots of jokes as he told us, "I told my friend my dad tells lot of jokes too." A special moment and Steve said, "Aw, thanks bud. I love you too."
• But then yesterday, he challenged our authority when he wasn't getting his way, 12 times. And at the end of the day when we were discussing with him whether he had earned a sticker on his behavior chart, he had thought it had been a pretty good day.

Breathe – and Lord thank you for the reminders how this journey is an overwhelming picture of your love for us. Because YOU live, we can face tomorrow, because YOU live, all fear is gone. Because I know, YOU hold the future, and life is worth the living just because YOU live. (in case you didn't grow up in a good ol' Southern Baptist church with traditional music those words from a hymn from the 1970's immediately came to my heart when writing this post. Though it's been years since I've held a hymnal or been in a traditional worship service, the words ring in my heart still at times when the Lord knows I need it and they are comforting for me, so I wanted to share it with you.)










 

Truth tellers: Pre-placement & Honeymoon stages

I have become inspired to speak to the stages of our experience after a friend also going through the adoption process shared a link for Jen Hatmaker's blog. Hatmaker honestly and wittingly shared about being a truth teller on the adoption process. This blogger had so many great morsels of organizing her thoughts and the process, that I've based them as my starting points since there are a lot of commonalities on the adoption journey. I have shared them through out this post, coloring them in purple to give her the credit where it is due. You can look at it this way, when you see purple, that means that these are common experiences in adoption you may experience, though the details may be different. I also recently read a great book I found at the library, "Telling the Truth: Older Child Adoption" which you'll find a review of in my previous post. All of this stirred some thing in me to share more transparently without worrying about painting the 'right' picture for adoption – after all God doesn't paint a story for us that our lives will be without trials and still he asks us to join him in it and through it, share how He has moved through our story, and give Him the glory – for by it we our transformed to reflect more of Him.

It's been 14 1/2 weeks, which sounds like we've had so little time with our foster son so far, but the amount of time we have invested, been challenged, built memories, and progressed seems to fit more when you consider 14 weeks is really three and a half months. And just last week, I felt a little pat on the back by his therapists who asked us how we know many of the same tools they would implement before they suggest them to us as they hear me sharing how we are striving to handle the daily challenges we still struggle with. Props to God, really, reading lots of books, and training by Bethany Christian Services – we have seen progress in many areas, but there are still many times that are difficult to break through as we strive to re-train his way of dealing with day-to-day emotions.

Now to the many who have shared with me, "I couldn't do what you're doing – love a child that's not my own," or "you guys are saints," or "do you still plan to adopt even though it's been hard?" or "don't you and Steve want to have children on your own through pregnancy?" – think a little about what your words are really saying. As Christians shouldn't we be encouraging one another and pointing each other to what Christ says rather than discourage and weigh on the side of what's comfortable, easy, and the American-dream style of living? What about Proverbs 16:9 where wisdom is imparted, "In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps," or Proverbs 19:21, "Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails." And what about His command to love the fatherless in James 1:27? Yes, we still pray for God to bless us with a child biologically, but we know that opening our hearts and home to a child through adoption is also part of His plan for us. And so, here we go ...

We have many friends who are adoptive parents through domestic infant or international adoption. In fact, I have a friend who's in China right now holding their sweet toddler whom they just met Saturday. We know only one couple personally who are in the waiting process for a foster-to-adopt child(ren), like us. The need is so terribly high for children who need homes everywhere, but it seems we have very minimal families around us willing to adopt an older child through DFACS. However you feel led to adopt if you do, know that whatever age range, ethnicity, or culture you open your heart to God will be there to lead you through the issues of commonality – identity, trauma, and buried or unidentified pain that all children will eventually have to deal with for complete healing. Even recent research shows that babies in utero experience the stress of their mother, even when alcohol and drugs are not involved, which all impacts the child's neurological abilities in various ways. It's not the child's fault for their past. It's up to Christians to love them where they are and help them learn about a loving God who wants to restore them and make beauty of their story. Then, it's up to the child in how they choose their response in the future. For the many that have questions about some of the commonalities you can expect when opening your hearts and homes to a foster child I will share a bit of the process in more detail than I have before. And, heads up, it's all worth it ...

Pre-placement (as you wait for a child who needs you)
Your days are filled with questions, planning, appointments, referrals, conversations with case workers, therapists, and endless paperwork that must be filled out sometime amidst your very long day at home and after work. Yes, your time is full. Your heart is full too – full of eagerness and deferred hope all leading to a hurry-up-and-wait mentality because your end of the preparation is the only thing you can control while you wait.

Then as you are referred a child, you pray over a decision. If it's a no, you suffer anguish because you know that every child needs a loving home. You also experience unexplainable peace if you know the Lord has told you he has another home planned for that child – just not yours. So much surrender is learned.

The waiting process is SO hard as you wait for the unknown – especially if you're open like we were to any child no matter the sex, race, and age range spanning ten years. You don't quite know how to pray for the specifics – just that God would give you wisdom for this part of the journey. You think if you can just get your placement, a child you know God has placed on your heart in your home, then the wait is over. I remember feeling a similar way when my bio son was first born. I clearly remember feeling relieved when he was born healthy and beautiful, that all my prayers for him had been answered. But just as quickly it hit me that my need for praying for him for the rest of his life has just begun. This is just the beginning – oh boy, I'm responsible for raising this child through adulthood! As parents the prayers, concern, and purposeful involvement in your child's life never end. Hatmaker shared it well when she said "the upside is in any early doubts about loving a child without the helpful instincts of biology [they] are put to rest." You may not know the child yet, what they look like, what challenges are ahead, or how your family will mold and love him/her in a way that shapes all of you, but it doesn't matter because as a believer you know that the Lord will provide for everyone's needs and will guide you along the way. He changes us for one another. We are all shaped in this process – our character, compassion for God's hearts cry for others, and our need for the Lord's leading in our lives daily. "God can create a family across [states], countries, beyond genetics, through impossible circumstances, and past reason."

The Honeymoon (supposedly first 4-6 weeks)
So we heard about a honeymoon stage when adding to your family outside of having children biologically. It's sort of like what I see as teachers begin the new school year – they must be firm and even rigid at first to set the pace for the year otherwise the kids will take over. But in adoption and foster care that firmness needs to be balanced with love and extra mercy because most likely your child has experienced trauma of some kind, and they haven't learned you. You haven't learned their triggers either. You'll realize they tend to act younger than their age because their growing process got stuck whenever their lives got out of control in previous environments. They need to learn you too, to know that you will be there for them, that they are in a safe place to be themselves and will be loved anyway, so that trust and bonding can happen ... so that healing can follow. For some reason I felt offended when someone suggested there would be a honeymoon period when referring to our new family member. I have an issue with people using terms in negative context – coupling honeymoon period with a temporary happy feeling that isn't real and won't last is not exactly what you want to hear, but it's reality, for a season at least. You pick him up at his foster home, treat him to his favorite eat-out spot, talk about all the exciting things you do as a family. You introduce him to all the rooms in your home, to his new room that is pre-decorated with pictures and love notes from the family to help make him feel at home, you drive him around the neighborhood and show him around his new fun surroundings, let him feed the ducks, laugh when he catches a duck on his fish hook and move quickly to release the poor creature, and shut down all previous activities originally planned to just BE – as a new family start together.

Our honeymoon with him lasted two days. I was hoping for a week like an average honeymoon for a new marriage – two days? Two days of complete compliance, manners which we didn't expect him to have but was obvious someone has taught him a few good things, obedience, and easy affection on both ends. But quickly we learned he has also been taught to lean on no one for help and to respond with a fight, flight, and fright mentality. The understanding that we are here to love him through this, pray over him daily, and need to quickly learn some key points of neuroscience hits us like a brick.

To us we know of our hearts desire to adopt him into our family if we can. We know we have been praying for some time for God to add to our family in whatever way he sees best. We have watched God open our hearts to having compassion for children already born who need a loving, supportive, healthy home. To him, we are just another foster family – another stepping stone. We are his fifth home, sixth if you count the group home he initially was taken to, and we are new faces, new rules, new boundaries, new cool factor until he doesn't get his way. He has been in the system long enough to know we can't spank him, to threaten what he believes he can control, that he can just ask for another foster home if we don't give in to his demands. Really? What happened to the ideal of him being so covered in love that he can't see himself anywhere else, or the appreciation for all the effort, love, teaching, and fighting for him we would come to do? Like many children, he believes he has the power to fix adults bad decisions – that if he believes something will come together the way it was supposed to, then it will – simple as that. We question ourselves – are we handling this the best way? What would the therapist do here? What did that book we read on loving discipline for trauma kids say again? It's not according to any script – even once I ran downstairs and read a discipline technique in a book word for word in my head and tried to apply it and it sort of went the way the highly esteemed author and researcher shared, sort of.

You wonder why no one has celebrated with you like they would if you were having a biological birth. After all, your newest family member who is rocking your world is not a newborn, but they are still helpless, dependent, needy. Emotional bonding and building trust are still key in forming a healthy relationship with one another. You don't expect any real offers for a shower of the items you need to make them a part of your family, but you want a celebration. Or is it too early for that? A few people at work were surprised I was taking 4 weeks off from work to help him transition initially. Why? When you bring home a newborn 8 weeks is expected. I'm glad others saw the importance of it and allowed us the time we needed as we grew as a family – that time was precious, and absolutely necessary. You read blogs of others who choose to celebrate early and there are others who wait until the court date for the adoption finalization happens. What to do? You just want to celebrate.

Rather quickly we've learned of the flux of professionals who will walk with us on this journey. We have had many changes: three adoption specialists (who supports us as a couple; partly because our course changed), three groups of therapists (partly because our son changed counties; partly for good fit), and possibly changing to a new case worker (who supports the child; due to the process moving forward in pre-adoption). You'll learn that change is ongoing, not like a child who's already been through so much should continue on the change roller-coaster, but it is what it is. You'll learn to fight for your child's best interest where you can impact stability, but a lot of this is just the protocol. It can be difficult waters to navigate since your child has already likely experienced trauma, learned difficulty in trusting adults, struggles with opening up verbally, and simply gets tired of meeting new faces. And new faces don't end with the professionals. Each time your child has moved from one stage of the process to the next, they meet new faces. Since he has moved home with us, he has developed friendships, trust, and love. But it didn't come easy, nor without prayer, encouragement, and extra effort on everyone's part to assure him that not only are new faces a part of this process, but a part of everyone's lives.

Boy, have we learned so much, but we still have so much to learn. And every time I look back I see this story reflecting how much God loves us through our stubbornness, fear, and mistakes. Praise God for his unconditional love, because we need it as much as our foster son does.