Connecting on levels big and small

Both of our boys were so ecstatic to learn of one of their dear stuffed animals adventurous day with Daddy as they asked him to take Wolfie to work with him. Our foster sons eyes lit up as he told Steve how well he took care of his Wolfie for the day. Our bio son hugged Steve and told him he really is a great daddy! So this moment marks a connecting point for us and the boys – where they continue to learn what's important to them is important to us.

You see, as you add to your family whether through adoption or biologically, parents learn of the constant struggle to balance what you do for one child and another, also learning that it can't always fully balance out. Our bio son grew up with a favorite stuffed animal, and for those who know him, you know it looks like a well-loved and worn to the threads bunny that he's had since his first Easter. She, yes it's a 'she', still sleeps with him and helps him with his boo-boos. We recorded many of her adventures with our son in a digital album we printed from over the years.

So here we are – an attempt to show our foster son how much we care about the things he cares about, no matter how small.  Now they are pleading with us to now allow all of their precious stuffed animals to shadow us on work days, one-by-one. Oh my! What have we started?

Glowing in more ways than one!

Rewards in our home don't come to the perfect, but for those who humble themselves, ask forgiveness and move on. After all God tells us in Luke 6:36 to "be merciful, just as your Father is merciful." When we mess up God allows us to feel the mess up, but He also loves us through it and forgives us when we ask for it. So we try to model this for our boys. Just as there are days where we celebrate in the pleasures of life and playing like a child with our children, we also ride the waves of loss and mourning that come with adoption because the reality of the process and changing of relationships sets in throughout our days together.

This weekend and past week hasn't been an easy one. That line has been ridden every day and it's gone up and down throughout the day as our foster son allows his life to be filtered through his emotions. But we are proud of him – he's come so far in learning how to settle down before he gets too angry, has learned to use his words, and ask for forgiveness. So he gets the reward. Friday night he had earned a Roller Skating Family Night out and although my husband and I alternated sitting on the sidelines with him coaching him to give his wheels a spin, he eventually trusted our arms enough to hold him and pull him along. That smile was well worth the work. Our other son zoomed past us throughout the night as he dared new feats like backwards skating and cutting in front of middle school girls for a giggle. Boy do we have our hands full, but we thank the Lord for His plans and for blessing us with them both. Saturday night our foster son also earned the long-awaited Glow Stick Dance Party. Steve and I didn't have to dance along with them as they were content to have a neighborhood friend over for the dance scene. And you better believe it, I grabbed a quick photo of the glowing movement before they were off to take over the back yard in the pitch black. Not only do I have a passion for photography and run a business on the side of my design work, but I also love taking pictures of my family. I have been itching to share all of the fun memories we've been building with our foster son, but for his protection I am not free to do that just yet. So, this will have to do and I'm happy to share something, no matter the form.

And so the boys were glowing from two nights of mayhem getting to blow bedtime out of the water and enjoy the rewards they've earned with back-to-back family nights. And Steve and I are glowing from other somethings we have to share. I received the call I've been sharing about in my last couple posts. The call – the one where we learn where our next step is, toward adoption for our beloved foster son, or not. At first I was just told we would be having a face-to-face meeting this Thursday and when asked of any updates, a hesitant pause was heard over the phone, and then his case worker simply stated it needs to wait until Thursday when we can discuss it in person. I hung up a little disheartened and ready to text my husband to pray along with me. As soon as I was she had called back and said she couldn't do that to us – as we've already been sitting on the edge of our seats for 2.5 months waiting for this call. She shared that we are moving forward on adoption! And so, my Monday feels a lot lighter. I got the green light to add him to our Disney travel plans for November and can't wait to share with them the surprise of Disney we have been busting at the seams to tell them. I laugh to myself now when I remember our foster son asking us when he first moved in four months ago, "Do you people ever go on vacation?" Well we've been ready to go, we just had to wait as we were told he may be removed from our arms before we planned to leave for the trip. But no more waiting!

Though we are trusting God with every step of this process, it has been grueling. Your heart gives it's all, but in the back of your mind you try to prepare yourself for the potential loss. So, nothing is finalized, no dates have been set, there is still much of the process ahead, but this was a huge step forward. As I was sharing with some of our family though, as we celebrate we need to be mindful that with adoption also comes loss. Though we want to celebrate we must remember our foster son's need for mourning. It must be so difficult to dig through the emotions of feeling love, safety, healing in some directions, and the connection you have with your biological mom/family, their love and memories. It will take years I'm sure to deal with the realization of rejection and choices that put him in this place, in our arms. And that breaks our hearts. So we will mourn and celebrate with him. However that journey looks for him I pray that God will give us exactly what he needs so that he can deal with these roller coaster emotions in a healthy way and that we can remain a positive support and unconditional love for him even if he takes out his emotions on us. So we glow, we continue to wait, we pray, and we mourn together.

Thoughts from Empowered to Connect Conference

[Romanticizing orphan care and adoption is so very easy and tempting to do.
But orphan care and adoption always involve suffering. Just ask any birthmother or a child who is one of several hundred orphans in an international orphanage or a family that is experiencing the high-ups and low-downs of the adoption process or the family that is overwhelmed by the challenges of the post-adoption journey. There is no such thing as orphan care and adoption without suffering. There is, however, redemption, healing, and hope promised by our Lord.]

We just got back from traveling to Nashville, Tenn. for the Empowered to Connect Conference where 1000+ parents were equipped with hope and answers to the many questions each family navigates toward healing for. We heard many stories from families who have walked this journey for years, how they leaned on God to strengthen their marriage and family while they worked through challenges, and heard the more answers than questions now available to adoptive and foster families. We walked away challenged to research and dig more, to be better parents, to love through more compassionate eyes, and simply encouraged. We met several foster families from our area for lunch, thanks to our awesome adoption agency, Bethany Christian Services, who connected us for the trip.
We met some families who are about to begin this journey and others who have traveled through it for 20+ years – and we all walked away with something practical and encouraging. Dr. Karyn Purvis, who authored "The Connected Child", was the main speaker. If you haven't read her book yet I encourage you to do so. We purchased her entire set of DVD's from her lecture series where she teaches at Texas Christian University and from her research of case studies - which we plan on sharing in our church's Orphan Care ministry so we can learn together. This post is worth bookmarking and coming back to as I have listed a lot of solid info. I gathered from attending this conference.

Some of those practical tools given to parents I'm going to share here - not just for those who are on the adoption journey, but we found it helps us improve our parenting overall. We've realized there are some things we have done right, by pure instinct or God-led or trial and error, and there are other tactics we need to toss and implement healthier ones. We will be reworking our parenting for both our biological and foster sons, becoming more aware of their spirit, broken or hurt, having more compassion and seeing life through their eyes, as we do our best to coach them toward healthier lives.
It was encouraging to learn so much of the neuroscience and psychology behind why our brains function the way they do, how trauma impacts our brains function, and how every bit of what we learn is already biologically ordained. 

Here are some of my notes I thought you may find helpful as you look at how you choose to parent:
• The biggest thing we walked away from this conference with is to keep your hands to the plow. Jesus replied, "No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God," Luke 9:62. Keep researching, learning, digging, discovering, connecting with your child(ren). There are answers. Many of the families we heard from shared how much more answers, support, and understanding come with time and as Dr. Purvis put it, "Isn't it great with science catches up with God?"
•  Keep a journal for a week. Identify difficult moments, triggers, predictable issues. (We actually began this a few weeks ago and it really does give a clear overall picture)
• We must remember that children from hard places have missed thousands of hours of nurture, parental investment, and giving of their voice. Give children voice and you will not lose authority or respect, you will gain it. If early care fails, everything else downstream fails with it. No matter what age your child comes into your family, they need to be given what was biologically ordained.
• Neglect is just as harmful as abuse. Abuse says, "I don't like you," while neglect says, "You don't matter."
• "Good parenting is recognizing a child's need and deferring to it." (Sharing power) Dr. Karyn Purvis
• The human brain takes two years to learn self-regulation – don't let up. Adoptive child needs you with them, not just by them or nearby. Kids from hard places come to us in survival mode. We need to continue connecting with them while teaching them to self-regulate.
• "I though it was all about making him mine, but it was about the journey to me becoming all his." – Michael Monroe (paraphrase; Tapestry - Adoption/Foster Care Ministry of Irving Bible Church)
• "The professional is your empowerment tool, you as parents are foster/adoptive child's vessel of healing." – Dr. Karyn Purvis (paraphrase)
• Since kids from hard places live in survival mode they can have a hair trigger stress system. Have compassion, remember it doesn't mean they are a bad kid and when their need is met their behavior is regulated. The highest risk kids are also the most tender-hearted, but often resort to the most aggressive survival strategies that look like bad behavior. Seeing behind the behavior is a difficult thing to do in the moment. Under the violence is deep sadness.
• Be aware of the body, soul, and spirit. If we don't have connection, nothing else matters because we are creatures for connection for we have a God who tends to all of our needs. The more connecting  you do, the less correcting needed and vice-versa.We have seen a basic need for H2O in our foster son. When he's about to get more angry we offer him water or tend to his other needs - and he immediately settles down. It's amazing to watch. We learned that dehydration effects the cognitive area of the brain and the metabolism. If dehydrated it will fire glutomate internally which is responsible for depression and violence. It was suggested that hydration, food, and sensory activities should be practiced every two hours. We take away the child's need for aggression and violence (survival skills) by meeting their needs and giving voice, which helps them heal. The gift of voice is the first gift that needs to be given back to them.
• Children perceive what you're communicating mostly from your warmth and tone of your voice, 65% body language, 1/3 tone. Only 7-8% perceive from your actual words. Talk less, listen more and connect. Use slow words, firm tone, strength in your body language. When danger drops, drop yourself back, ask for more words/their voice, ask for compromise/two positive choices.
• Coach your child(ren) to respond better. Be proactive and positive – rather than stopping action, child begins to stop intention. Find the right words that speak life values repeatedly to their age level. You want them to listen and obey when we ask, not threaten:
"You wanna try that again with kindness/respect?"; "Listen and obey the first time"; "You want a do-over/re-do?"; "Do you want to ask me for a compromise?"
We give a primitive brain stem message because the kids we serve can only process a small amount of info. at a time. The region of the brain that tells you are safe and can connect with others enables you to use your words.
• Create/Connect/Correct through play. We have noticed with our foster son that if he gets in his "no" mode there is nothing we can do if we continue to fight the yes/no battle – he simply turns up the defiancy and power struggle. Instead, we have learned to offer him choices or a compromise and you can almost "see" him coming down from the protective mountain and moving away from his "fight, flight, or freeze" mode. Child doesn't need more control, they need more connection. When they act up, we tend to raise structure when we really need to raise nurture. Do your children believe you by what you say or by what you threaten? 
 • If your child needs structure, you give them nurture and you impede growth; If your child needs nurture, you give them structure then you impede trust.
• Caregivers often can't see the needs of their kids in their care because they haven't healed from their own history. Pay attention to the trends/memories/associations from your past that impact your parenting – love them through their journey, you have to be on your own road to healing. "If you don't pay attention to way you're paying attention to you will not see a change." – Curt Thompson
• The design in nature, biologically ordained, is for a child to whimper and a caregiver to respond. Those responses from the caregivers are saying "yes" to the child. We say thousands of "yeses" to a little one in the first two years of life before we have to say our first no. These yeses are what build trust. For the child that did not get all those "yeses", it takes about one month per year of age of the child of intense therapeutic mentoring and support to bring a child from a hard place to healing and trust.
• During pregnancy is the most dramatic stage of brain development, therefore, the most potential damaging time for a child if mother is under stress. Other major stages of brain development are during first year of life, and ages 5, 8, 12, and 16.
• Feeling valued and safe gives you seratonin which is major ingredient for self-regulation. Eye contact gives you a slope in dopamine which can bring joy, pleasure, memory, and learning. Other things that raise seratonin are touch, nutrition, carb-complex foods, giving voice, and sharing power.
• Don't let your expectations manage you. Flexibility is your friend, expectations are your enemy.
• If your child's anger makes you angry you can't be emotionally available to help him. You are there, but not with. We were called by God to enter in and He is with us. "I will come to you," promises our Lord. Lay down your expectations so you can be your child's resonator. "I hear you, I see you, I feel you, I experience you. I want to understand, tell me more."
• Behavior is an expressed need, misbehavior always has a purpose/function. Stop wind and rain when your child uses words, not behavior in expressing need.
• Research proves brain chemistry is changed with human touch. Find a "bridge" activity.
• Did you know there are calming and alerting foods we eat that talk to our brain chemistry? Sweet foods are calming (hello, chocolate!) and sour foods are alarming. Water is key for hydration.
• 90% of behavior is stopped at the spark, not the blaze.
• Kids can forgive us for our mistakes when they know our heart is with them. This will carry them through. If you have a child older than 20 min. you've likely already messed up, it's ok.
• There is no child that cannot come to deep healing.
• "In understanding the call to adoption know 1. It won't be easy; 2. It will be worth it; 3. Because of numbers 1, 2, don't go at it alone." – Amy and Michael Monroe. God equips the called.
• "I wish I would have known to treat him like a newborn, and not try to play catch-up." – Debra Jones, founder of www.parentingadopteescantrust.com
• Read ch. 7 of "The Connected Child," and discover what your parenting style is
• This conference is the first place I have ever heard of Trust-based Parenting. Look for fear and pain behind the behavior, help the child self-regulate and find their voice.
• Commit to learning and "un-learning"
• Develop a T.E.A.M. (T - Therapist and Counselors; E - Extended Family and Friends; A - Academic Environments and Support; M - Medical Providers)
• Help build confidence, let them know they can win. Mark each task as good and one-forward step. Set them up for success, no matter how low you have to lower the bar initially. Don't wait until perfection in behavior to take off, expect they want to be connected and lead the way.
• Connected Discipline vs. Distancing Discipline: Time-in vs. time-out; bring the child closer vs. sending him away; resolution vs. consequences; problem solving vs. lectures and sermons; advocacy stance vs. adversary
• You may find a favorite strategy in parenting, but it's important to layer them. Dr. Purvis has used 17 tools in 5 minutes before.
• In some instances, an immediate re-do brings shame so just let it go until they self-regulate and know they're precious and safe, then discuss the re-do of behavior for memory correction. Choose nurture before structure.
• Handle "trama"versaries by welcoming their story. Embrace their grief, don't try to fix/edit their painted roses story. They'll eventually open up to the reality of the pain experienced. Let them know their feelings are normal. Be sensitive in knowing these moments can be trigger moments and also opportunities for connection.

As for our boys, we can't just ask anyone to watch our foster son. Though my mom is a state-approved caregiver for him, she isn't approved to watch him overnight. We wanted to protect his fear of going to a random respite care family – nearly each time he's moved to the next foster home he was told they went on a trip of some kind and he didn't see them again, and he's finally made it home to us, his sixth home away from home – we couldn't bare putting him through that as we wanted him to be reassured we were coming back for him after our weekend away. So, thank you to our dear friends who are also on this foster-adopt journey with us. He knows their family and their kids well, and they were open arms to watch him for the weekend. The transition went smoothly for both drop-off and pick-up, and he never questioned our return for him. He knew he was with safe people and he's learned to trust us. Thank you Andy and Lea for helping settle our hearts for our first weekend away from him, for taking in our other son too, and for the cool tie-dye shirts :) Before we left for the conference our foster son wished for us to stay home. We explained how we were going to learn how to be better parents, but he pleaded that we are already great parents. His sentiment melted our hearts, but we reminded him how all of us are always learning from one another.

As we walk with deep joy through "the sufferings of this present time" (Romans 8:18-23) for God's glory and the good of children needing families around this globe.

Choosing to celebrate while we wait

As I shared in the last post, each day we can find ourselves rolling through triage, celebrations, and waiting for answers. The last four days have been so good, almost like our lives in our home are reflective of the fresh fall air that is sweeping through our area or the beautiful sunrises I've seen the last few mornings. On the behavior chart our son has earned four stickers for the last four days – that doesn't mean he's been perfect, because who is, but if a disappointment came his way he settled it quickly and didn't outrage. He shared his feelings with a simple, "Aw man!", and kept going. He didn't filter his anger on everything and everyone. Successful step and we let him know it. So we celebrate. If he gets three more days of stickers we are having a Glow Stick in the Dark Dance Party in our Family room. He can't wait.

But then we have a visit from our foster-to-adopt specialist, and a phone call from his case worker. Still no news, except paperwork to fill out that says we agree with the standard process of removing him from our home if someone should step up in his family to adopt him. It saddens me to read about the time he'll need to say his goodbyes to us, his friends, and teachers. We know there's a chance we may not be able to adopt him, but little reminders like this make it sink in, deeply. We don't have time to grieve, we have to keep celebrating, triaging when necessary, and praying for God's best, whatever that is.

We celebrate all the little moments that are BIG. Like when he calls us mom or dad, not that we are a replacement, because we are not, but we serve that role right now and we are special to him; Or when he wants an extra hug after our family prayers; Or when he wakes up and smiles after we tell him how handsome he is and it's a new beginning each day; Or when he earns the 'Good Samaritan Award' by doing something kind for another without being asked; Or when we catch him opening up his Bible to read or pray on his own (I've seen him kneeling by his bed privately in his room); Or when he waves me down and runs at me with full force when being picked up from school and shares with me about his day; Or when he draws a picture of his family and includes us; Or when he says, "I love you." These are monumental moments in his growth and our relationship with him. I know God celebrates in every moment we spend with him too.

No triage this week. I hesitate to almost type those words as if it would jinx us. But he's halfway through working towards that Glow Stick party and I believe in him, that he won't live defeated, that he will keep striving to the reward. And, if I can manage to get some pictures of that, since the lights will be out, I may be able to post them. The movement of the lights can show the excited activity without revealing faces. I wish I could make this blog more visual from this journey, but that will have to do for now.

So we celebrate and wait to see the determined choice for this child's outcome which only God knows. Again I say, thank God He knows.

On to the next stage: Triage

Part 3 to Truth Tellers

Where you see purple is where I've quoted the words of Jen Hatmaker because of the commonality of the adoption process and her beautiful way in which she put it in words.

On to the next stage: Triage (4-8 months)

We have each just begun to jump two feet in to this stage. I hope to be able to come back to this post and truly say it's 90% wonderful and 10% doing better than "ugly" – but as a friend who commented on my last post reiterated, ugly is in fact beautiful because the Lord makes beauty out of ashes. In this stage, you will hold on to the bigger picture – the progress you do see in your foster or adopted child's daily living which is the evidence that the Lord is at work in your child and yourself/spouse, and the promise of redemptive power over hurting hearts only He can give.

You continue to wait to hear if we are still top priority for giving this child a safe, loving, and healthy home. If you're a foster-to-adopt family any time at all we could GET THE CALL and he's gone in a week's time – just like that. You brace yourselves for this. You begin making a life book of their journey because no one has attempted to put the puzzle pieces together for your child yet. You work on it each night trying to fill in the holes with information, pictures, or memories of theirs to include just in case you get the call that they are no longer yours. You want them to have this life book for the next stepping stone. You think ahead of when they become an adult and question to yourself, What would he/she wish to remember about their life and this season? How can we honor their birth parents and birth family?

You research more. You dive into specifics as you custom tailor how you understand your child's emotions and past experiences. You learn more ways to dig through all the junk and let their heart breathe, let your heart breathe, and help them see they can re-train their response – the way their brain has learned to function. You know evidence of their preciousness and tenderness will keep showing itself. You will see their real self more clearly and more often. They feel safer with you and continue to try out the idea of fitting into your family, not just using you as a stepping stone and gift-giver. Maybe your role as Trauma Counselor won't be forever. You try to put some of your family's normal routine back in schedule – activities like family bike rides and after dinner walks.

You find ways to praise him above the standard expectations, like "Thank you for asking so nicely."
You find that things you've learned from "The Connected Child," like the Praise-Sandwich work.

Ok, even if you're not on the foster or adoptive journey, my husband and I agree this could work in all relationships, even adult ones. If you have to say no, sandwich it with two positive statements on either end. For example, "I am so glad you asked in a kind way to have another snack before dinner, but I'm cooking right now and we'll eat very soon. You may hold onto the snack and if you eat all your dinner you can have it. Thank you for doing so well understanding." Ha! You've got them, they don't even know what's hit them. Or I guess for an adult conversation it could go like this, "Thank you for understanding my need to get this task done. As soon as you get the laundry washed or toilets disinfected we can enjoy family time together. I appreciate you seeing my love language and being such a great spouse." OK – my husband will read this and know what's up my sleeve. Nothing will work to get him to scrub those toilets. But that's fine with me, he does the bills. All relationships have roles and give and take, right?

So, we keep triaging some days. We celebrate most days. And we keep waiting. To see the determined choice for this child's outcome which only God knows. Thank God He knows.

Truth Tellers: The Spaz stage

Part 2 to Truth Tellers

Again, where you see purple is where I've quoted the words of Jen Hatmaker because of the commonality of the adoption process and her beautiful way in which she put it in words.

Spaz (4-6 weeks – 3-4 months)
• The straw that broke the camel's back can be anything and everything at any given moment.
His aggravation begins with something little – who had the water gun first, who got to take shower first, who got out of what side of the car, not liking what his food looks like though over 3 weeks he's discovered that judging a book by it's cover isn't a true test of goodness. There have been a few enraged and out of control fits – with screaming, kicking, hitting, wailing, tantrums that last longer than we have the energy for. There were moments I wasn't sure I could carry this beefy 7-year-old up the stairs to the "Think About It" spot as he deadens his weight and holds onto the spindles so that my arms get weaker and I can't pry his hands from the rails to move up and forward. He has lost his door several times because he hasn't learned yet that it's not allowed for slamming or banging on it out of anger. He used to flee and hide under his bed and fall asleep there so we would have to pick him up and place him on his bed at night, but he is beginning to use his words a little more to express his feelings. He hasn't hid under his bed in some seven weeks now so this must be progress we believe. My husband has had to lug him over the shoulder in an effort to remove him from an unsafe situation. In every such instance which he refused to move on his own he claims he's tired of this earth and tired of this life, or says he doesn't care about being unsafe to himself nor cares that others care. [While my husband strong arms him to safety, he is] drenched in sweat, holding him tight, and whispering love into his ears as he continues to fight and then [our foster son] passes out from exhaustion. 
• Shares desire for his mom to move into his room in our house though we explain that adults prefer to have their own two feet under them and not be dependent on others. And due to this reality, he says he'd rather go to a family member for adoption because he's sure he'll be back in his mom's arms quicker.
• Holds tight to possibility, though low, that he can live with his mom again while experiencing real joy and peace within our family and desiring to be with us too.
• He repeatedly hates the home-cooked food we make him, when something's not fair, reacts from a triggered memory from music, smell, texture of my hair as he compares it to his mom's while showing me how she taught him to braid and he braids mine, to putting the last picture he has of her on a shelf along with all of our other family photos, to opening up and sharing past "scary and gross" (his words) trauma and at the most awkward times and places (specifically, the dinner table). It's not helpful that my husband hasn't made his way home from work when some of these conversations pop up.
• He still refers to himself as dumb, ugly, and stupid though we pour in confidence, love, reassurance of his beauty, wildness, and uniqueness that God created in him. Even so, just yesterday when he and our bio son were fighting over the fire truck on the playground, our bio son got hurt and he told our foster son he is mean. Though completely inappropriate to be said, that word mean translated to even more for our foster son and it was a lesson to us all how deep his hurt remains. He was adamant that he was also told he was dumb, ugly, and stupid. One negative name-calling, turned to four in his mind and he accepts it as true, even after apologies and forgiveness between our boys. Those words have been nearly ingrained in his innermost being.

Your sweet one is grieving. This is not about us – you've learned to not take it personal. This is sorrow, loss, fear, and trauma. It is devastating, disheartening, and confusing. You and your spouse are exhausted, unhinged, question yourselves and how you handle it. Is this making a difference in his life? What about our lives – our bio son's life? Will he grow up and look back at this season and say his character and compassion was built here or is this where his destruction begins?

Your bio son tells you as you tuck him in at night that this is a lot harder than he thought it would be. You tell him you understand and relate to him. You remind him of God's unconditional love for all of us, and of the ways we act up against God's leading and teaching, and still the Lord chooses to love us despite ourselves. People ask you how it's going. You quickly say it's 90% wonderful and 10% ugly, but you know those numbers are off, but you're hopeful so you leave it with that. You want to be real with others about your journey, but you don't want to scare them off to not follow if the Lord is piercing their heart to open their home to a child who needs them. Because the scary or ugly won't last forever, or will it? You discover as time goes on your reply becomes more transparent when you breathe the words, "It's hard, SO hard." You find more training, more books on specific issues, join multiple blog and online discussion groups so that you can get wisdom from others' trial and errors, or simply to know you're not alone. You wonder if you should add to your schedule by joining an adult sports team because exercise and a break for you and your spouse would be good, but then you feel guilty for even thinking such things because your children need your time. Your foster son says hateful and disrespecting things in anger as he fights for control and self-preservation like he's used to, but then when he breaks out of his tantrum he is remorseful most of the time, loving, and reaffirming of his new-found love of being a part of the family. And sometimes you have a pleasant day, almost superficial kind of day – where your foster son attempts to wait on your every need, offers to help in ways he's never attempted before to lift a finger. You and your spouse see a different side of him so you overly praise him for his kindness and thoughtfulness, reminding him that he is a great kid, he is a child of God, he has great purpose, he is smart, he is handsome, he is fun, and he is loved, no matter if he's choosing a good day or a bad one.

At the tail end of three and a half months we are seeing a light, yet sometimes that light still flickers.
The glimpses of affirmation of his love for us has helped us through the tougher moments for sure. But now we can look back and recognize that he has time-limits on his tantrums/shut-down moments – they don't last forever. We have learned ways to help him break out of anger mode before it escalates. We know how to use humor, love, discipline, and boundaries to teach him about obeying authority over you because they know what's best and see the bigger picture. We are feeling more confident in ourselves and less personally attacked by his angry words. He is stabilizing, slowly but surely. But there are days or weeks we feel we have regressed and it's back to square one.

Just last week three surprises in conversations involving our foster son happened and it's just now sinking in how very BIG these are:
• May 18: He overheard a convo I was having with a friend. When asked when he had moved into our home I replied in May. He popped up and said, "18th. May 18th." We hadn't realized how good his memory is with numbers, or at least with important numbers. That's special that the specific date means something to him.
•"Mom": Last week I was picking him up from after care. While I helped him get down from his high swings on the playground he asked me if I heard him when I was pulling into the parking lot. I told him I hadn't heard him and asked what he needed. He needed to tell me that when he saw me pull up he told his new friend there that "my mom is here to pick me up!" I thanked him for making me feel so special, reminding him that though I'm not the only mom in his life it's OK to love us both.
• "Dad": This week as he was eating breakfast before school Steve was making jokes as he always does. The boys love this about him. Our foster son told us he has a friend at school who makes lots of jokes as he told us, "I told my friend my dad tells lot of jokes too." A special moment and Steve said, "Aw, thanks bud. I love you too."
• But then yesterday, he challenged our authority when he wasn't getting his way, 12 times. And at the end of the day when we were discussing with him whether he had earned a sticker on his behavior chart, he had thought it had been a pretty good day.

Breathe – and Lord thank you for the reminders how this journey is an overwhelming picture of your love for us. Because YOU live, we can face tomorrow, because YOU live, all fear is gone. Because I know, YOU hold the future, and life is worth the living just because YOU live. (in case you didn't grow up in a good ol' Southern Baptist church with traditional music those words from a hymn from the 1970's immediately came to my heart when writing this post. Though it's been years since I've held a hymnal or been in a traditional worship service, the words ring in my heart still at times when the Lord knows I need it and they are comforting for me, so I wanted to share it with you.)