Recommended Reading: Beneath the Tall Tree

Review from the bookshelf

Beneath A Tall Tree

Author: Jean A.S. Strauss

I enjoyed a break in the fact/stat-giving informative books as I picked up this incredibly moving human story. In fact, I read it in a day because I couldn’t put it down. The writer gives you detailed glimpses of her life from the time she was born, adopted, and her journey of tracking down her life history and family tree throughout her greater adulthood.

It gave me a good understanding and empathy for a person who has their identity hidden from them. I understand the natural, driving desire to connect with one’s roots which doesn’t imply any negativity toward either the birth or foster/adoptive familes – it’s just part of who they are and the child has the right to know their life history. One reviewer put it quite well, “Strauss bares her soul in this fascinating adventure about her life. Besides being enormously helpful to adoptees, it provides a deep, raw look into the mindset of an adoptee…”. She also gives valuable insight into the feelings of other members of the family circle. This book illustrates that you can have more than one set of father/mother/siblings. She has not forgotten her adoptive family that raised her, but she also appreciates the family ties of her birth family as they found themselves in the reunion process.

I liked the metaphor of the book’s title representing her adoptive dad as the tall, strong tree. On the cover it’s an old black and white photograph of the author as a child and you see a elongated adult shadow standing beside her. That shadow is her adoptive dad as he was always the one taking the pictures rather than actually being in them most of the time, of which I can relate. Behind that image is the symbolism of his strength and character traits he’s instilled in her as they developed a special bond over the years.

Awkward things

I am not immune to awkwardness. I spill coffee or salsa on my best clothes. I stick my foot in my mouth sometimes. I grew up a much smaller child than many and a very late bloomer so boys (and girls) were not so nice always so my self esteem took a while to come together. I attended ten different schools, and moved into seven different homes with my family until I went off to college (no we weren't a military family, just job promotions). I got proposed to twice by the same guy in college who later left me for another after our son was just a year old. I have been a single mom and remember what it was like when people stare at my left hand while I hold my child assuming they know my story. I have had four last names in my life time which all tell more of my story - now however, my last name matches my husband now. My biological son has a different last name because changing it should be his choice. My foster son has another last name because that will be his choice as well if we are blessed to add him to our family legally. My foster son doesn't even have the same skin color as we do, though not too far off from us with a good tan. So I'm not immune to the awkward glances or forth-right questions people let spill off their tongues before they think. And that's ok, really, because God knows my story, He's been a part of it all the whole way, and He loves me. Some of you who are close to me know my story too, and many of you have been great friends for me during the more difficult times.

Really none of this has ever been my story, it's been the Lord's. He has a plan to work through it all. I've seen it and continue to experience Him. So awkward scenarios are not new for me. And I'm grateful because the Lord has given me a new compassion for others in the same place. He has taught me how I need Him leading my life, and not myself. I'm grateful because now when my boys come home and tell me they're picked on at school for their size or last name I understand. I can empathize with them and make them giggle when I share my embarrassing stories – they know they're not alone. Not only because their mama went through a lot of the same awkward stuff, but because they can hear stories of how I did my best to lean on the one and only who's over all of this stuff. I can stand for them when they're friends tease them for having different color skin as I share with them how to explain to their curious friends what really makes a family is not last names or skin/hair color, but that you love and care for one another with unconditional love. If you're a Christian then you're a part of an even bigger family of faith too with one Holy Father.

We have expressed to our foster son what a golden heart he has inside, what a wonderful man of God we know he is growing to be and the great, big plans the Lord has for him, now and in the future. We have told him we believe he will one day make a great husband and father too. How great would it be for him to use the hard life experiences he's healed from because of the Lord walking with him, to raise up foster and adoptive children in his home? He could relate to their awkward stuff even more than we try to for him, because he's lived it. He could walk them through the harder days and point them to Christ every step of the way. He told us, "No way would I ever be a foster parent!" We asked him why not and he said, "Because the kids would be like me!" How we laughed together because we all know this journey isn't easy for any of us, but it's still full of healing and joy. I've also learned through a podcast just today I need to quit praying for what I want. Instead I should be praying for the child that needs me. If faith can only claim conquest and not have the ability to endure then I only have half faith. I need to grow deeper in love with what God wants for me, rather than arrogant or self-centered prayers, or misunderstanding blessings. Truth is, in the middle of all the awkward and difficult stuff, He promises to sustain me, give me joy that surpasses my understanding, use me mightily, and in the end I will see the blessings.

So we're grateful for the awkward stuff together because it draws us closer to the Lord.
 

Moving ahead is hard, but doing it together

What we need right now is stability from the court. In the meantime, we can offer our children stability in what we have control over – our schedule, faith, and character. In the adoption process, though, there is so much waiting for final answers so forward movement in the heart can happen. Though our foster son's ties to his first family won't be lost, it will forever be different, and gaining a family in the middle of that healing is a gift he's not sure how to receive. Pictured is one of the last times he called us by our first names. The last 3+ weeks it is more often he calls us Mommy and Daddy and it blesses our souls to be integral people in his life.

Court progress
Back in November, I prayed to God asking for any update on the process and the very next day we got an answer! Our foster son's case manager said she had turned in the paperwork verifying they have sought out all family members who could be approved to take in this child in order to raise him in a healthy, safe, and loving environment. It's now been determined adoption is to happen outside of the related family. So we as his foster parents get the next option to take him in and we are thrilled to do so. Termination of parental rights (TPR) will be approaching soon and then we can move forward with the adoption application, after yet one last opportunity for the related family to appeal the ruling. We were originally told the date could be in January, but with no word yet it could be February now for TPR. We do have another panel review in court this month so perhaps we'll hear more of an update then. The court date could be 2-3 months out depending on how backed up court is. However we are praying it will happen sooner! We expect the adoption to be final by May, hopefully. Thank the Lord for answering our prayers each step of the way.

Moving ahead is hard for our son
While we wait for the legal process of adoption to move forward, we know we must do our part to move ahead in our home as it is essential for healing. Yet so many days our little guy is torn between the love and chaos of his past and his love and hope for the future.
- He often times voices his desire for both worlds to work.
- He has wondered if his mother could move into his bedroom so we could take care of her too.
- He has wondered if the judge could change his mind after a ruling or if in time he could eventually return to his first home.

Hearing these desires is difficult for us as parents because we know his desires often are not what's best for him. Isn't this true of us as God's children as well? We don't see how the past was not healthy or not normal, and we don't see the big picture for our future. Only God knows and He is sovereign. As our child learns to trust us for his future, we trust in the only One who can bring full restoration and hope for him.

Moving ahead is hard for us
Moving ahead despite the obvious hardships is unconditional, but it hasn't been easy for us. Sure this child of God is incredibly easy to love, to picture him as a part of our family forever, coming home for the holidays when he's an adult, watching him flourish in his life relationships, and grow as man of God. There are many times, though, especially since October when it's been difficult to see the big picture that God sees, past the daily battles which seem to linger longer than our energy, patience, and understanding. Though we strive to learn everything we can about loving a child from a hard place, the psychology of re-training his brain to understand what healthy love and relationships look like, and have stepped into parent-coaching classes while he gets intensive therapy, many moments we doubt our judgement in how to implement what we've learned.

- We sometimes are not sure how long these more intense days will last or if we are really making a difference in his healing.
- What about his threats that are really cries out for us to see if we are still here, how far will they go?
- We certainly can't handle all his pain on our own. It is complex and deep, but we know God is bigger. He just has to be willing to surrender, will he?

Sure we see the impact on the good days, but it's in the hard ones we feel we are sinking and God asks where is your faith? I AM here. Bring your flasks for oil and I will fill again and again. This battle is the Lord's and He will fight for him, for us. We just need to have faith in His timing and His sovereignty to meet all of our needs – our foster son's needs, our bio son's needs, my husbands, and mine. We are all in this. 

Trying to understand
Though he comprehends the main reason why he was placed in foster care, he doesn't acknowledge all the poor lifestyle choices that led his family to this dark and broken place. He knows he will be adopted and though he loves us he still holds on to his first family in many ways.

- He has learned that adults need to learn how to put their own two feet under them by getting the help they need. Adults must begin making healthy changes in their own lives before they can be responsible for any others.
- He doesn't understand how years of poor choices for the parents themselves or for the children being raised has taken its toll on all in the home in every aspect – spiritual, mental, physical, and verbal. Or how that means he will be digging through those experiences, learning which of those is good and which is bad, for years to come, steps at a time.
- He doesn't yet understand that we really do love him UNconditionally, though we've shown it time and time again through each test he puts us through for eight months now.
- He doesn't understand yet that his grief and anger means he is really scared, sad, and feels he must take on his own protection.
- Though he has asked Jesus into his heart a couple months ago and we celebrated baptism with him this Christmas Eve, he questions how he can have so much anger inside and still be a child of God. The gift of grace is too simple and he feels too complex, but he really wants the Lord to help him along. He will one day truly see that his heavenly Father is there each step of the way for him to lean on.

New Year's resolutions
Though the inner struggles will be there for his wrestling for many years, the Lord gives us new mercies with each new day. And a new day has come upon us with the rising of 2013. His New Year resolutions which he came to us with are so beautiful and telling of the hope growing in him.

He had three:
1. Spend time in the Word each morning for five minutes
2. Pray to God each day to help with anger
3. Give 10% to God

How beautiful, right? And on this third day, he's still committed to them. One step at a time his hope grows and the Holy Spirit is at work. This is what we hold on to while we move ahead, together.