Awkward things

I am not immune to awkwardness. I spill coffee or salsa on my best clothes. I stick my foot in my mouth sometimes. I grew up a much smaller child than many and a very late bloomer so boys (and girls) were not so nice always so my self esteem took a while to come together. I attended ten different schools, and moved into seven different homes with my family until I went off to college (no we weren't a military family, just job promotions). I got proposed to twice by the same guy in college who later left me for another after our son was just a year old. I have been a single mom and remember what it was like when people stare at my left hand while I hold my child assuming they know my story. I have had four last names in my life time which all tell more of my story - now however, my last name matches my husband now. My biological son has a different last name because changing it should be his choice. My foster son has another last name because that will be his choice as well if we are blessed to add him to our family legally. My foster son doesn't even have the same skin color as we do, though not too far off from us with a good tan. So I'm not immune to the awkward glances or forth-right questions people let spill off their tongues before they think. And that's ok, really, because God knows my story, He's been a part of it all the whole way, and He loves me. Some of you who are close to me know my story too, and many of you have been great friends for me during the more difficult times.

Really none of this has ever been my story, it's been the Lord's. He has a plan to work through it all. I've seen it and continue to experience Him. So awkward scenarios are not new for me. And I'm grateful because the Lord has given me a new compassion for others in the same place. He has taught me how I need Him leading my life, and not myself. I'm grateful because now when my boys come home and tell me they're picked on at school for their size or last name I understand. I can empathize with them and make them giggle when I share my embarrassing stories – they know they're not alone. Not only because their mama went through a lot of the same awkward stuff, but because they can hear stories of how I did my best to lean on the one and only who's over all of this stuff. I can stand for them when they're friends tease them for having different color skin as I share with them how to explain to their curious friends what really makes a family is not last names or skin/hair color, but that you love and care for one another with unconditional love. If you're a Christian then you're a part of an even bigger family of faith too with one Holy Father.

We have expressed to our foster son what a golden heart he has inside, what a wonderful man of God we know he is growing to be and the great, big plans the Lord has for him, now and in the future. We have told him we believe he will one day make a great husband and father too. How great would it be for him to use the hard life experiences he's healed from because of the Lord walking with him, to raise up foster and adoptive children in his home? He could relate to their awkward stuff even more than we try to for him, because he's lived it. He could walk them through the harder days and point them to Christ every step of the way. He told us, "No way would I ever be a foster parent!" We asked him why not and he said, "Because the kids would be like me!" How we laughed together because we all know this journey isn't easy for any of us, but it's still full of healing and joy. I've also learned through a podcast just today I need to quit praying for what I want. Instead I should be praying for the child that needs me. If faith can only claim conquest and not have the ability to endure then I only have half faith. I need to grow deeper in love with what God wants for me, rather than arrogant or self-centered prayers, or misunderstanding blessings. Truth is, in the middle of all the awkward and difficult stuff, He promises to sustain me, give me joy that surpasses my understanding, use me mightily, and in the end I will see the blessings.

So we're grateful for the awkward stuff together because it draws us closer to the Lord.