Thoughts from Empowered to Connect Conference

[Romanticizing orphan care and adoption is so very easy and tempting to do.
But orphan care and adoption always involve suffering. Just ask any birthmother or a child who is one of several hundred orphans in an international orphanage or a family that is experiencing the high-ups and low-downs of the adoption process or the family that is overwhelmed by the challenges of the post-adoption journey. There is no such thing as orphan care and adoption without suffering. There is, however, redemption, healing, and hope promised by our Lord.]

We just got back from traveling to Nashville, Tenn. for the Empowered to Connect Conference where 1000+ parents were equipped with hope and answers to the many questions each family navigates toward healing for. We heard many stories from families who have walked this journey for years, how they leaned on God to strengthen their marriage and family while they worked through challenges, and heard the more answers than questions now available to adoptive and foster families. We walked away challenged to research and dig more, to be better parents, to love through more compassionate eyes, and simply encouraged. We met several foster families from our area for lunch, thanks to our awesome adoption agency, Bethany Christian Services, who connected us for the trip.
We met some families who are about to begin this journey and others who have traveled through it for 20+ years – and we all walked away with something practical and encouraging. Dr. Karyn Purvis, who authored "The Connected Child", was the main speaker. If you haven't read her book yet I encourage you to do so. We purchased her entire set of DVD's from her lecture series where she teaches at Texas Christian University and from her research of case studies - which we plan on sharing in our church's Orphan Care ministry so we can learn together. This post is worth bookmarking and coming back to as I have listed a lot of solid info. I gathered from attending this conference.

Some of those practical tools given to parents I'm going to share here - not just for those who are on the adoption journey, but we found it helps us improve our parenting overall. We've realized there are some things we have done right, by pure instinct or God-led or trial and error, and there are other tactics we need to toss and implement healthier ones. We will be reworking our parenting for both our biological and foster sons, becoming more aware of their spirit, broken or hurt, having more compassion and seeing life through their eyes, as we do our best to coach them toward healthier lives.
It was encouraging to learn so much of the neuroscience and psychology behind why our brains function the way they do, how trauma impacts our brains function, and how every bit of what we learn is already biologically ordained. 

Here are some of my notes I thought you may find helpful as you look at how you choose to parent:
• The biggest thing we walked away from this conference with is to keep your hands to the plow. Jesus replied, "No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God," Luke 9:62. Keep researching, learning, digging, discovering, connecting with your child(ren). There are answers. Many of the families we heard from shared how much more answers, support, and understanding come with time and as Dr. Purvis put it, "Isn't it great with science catches up with God?"
•  Keep a journal for a week. Identify difficult moments, triggers, predictable issues. (We actually began this a few weeks ago and it really does give a clear overall picture)
• We must remember that children from hard places have missed thousands of hours of nurture, parental investment, and giving of their voice. Give children voice and you will not lose authority or respect, you will gain it. If early care fails, everything else downstream fails with it. No matter what age your child comes into your family, they need to be given what was biologically ordained.
• Neglect is just as harmful as abuse. Abuse says, "I don't like you," while neglect says, "You don't matter."
• "Good parenting is recognizing a child's need and deferring to it." (Sharing power) Dr. Karyn Purvis
• The human brain takes two years to learn self-regulation – don't let up. Adoptive child needs you with them, not just by them or nearby. Kids from hard places come to us in survival mode. We need to continue connecting with them while teaching them to self-regulate.
• "I though it was all about making him mine, but it was about the journey to me becoming all his." – Michael Monroe (paraphrase; Tapestry - Adoption/Foster Care Ministry of Irving Bible Church)
• "The professional is your empowerment tool, you as parents are foster/adoptive child's vessel of healing." – Dr. Karyn Purvis (paraphrase)
• Since kids from hard places live in survival mode they can have a hair trigger stress system. Have compassion, remember it doesn't mean they are a bad kid and when their need is met their behavior is regulated. The highest risk kids are also the most tender-hearted, but often resort to the most aggressive survival strategies that look like bad behavior. Seeing behind the behavior is a difficult thing to do in the moment. Under the violence is deep sadness.
• Be aware of the body, soul, and spirit. If we don't have connection, nothing else matters because we are creatures for connection for we have a God who tends to all of our needs. The more connecting  you do, the less correcting needed and vice-versa.We have seen a basic need for H2O in our foster son. When he's about to get more angry we offer him water or tend to his other needs - and he immediately settles down. It's amazing to watch. We learned that dehydration effects the cognitive area of the brain and the metabolism. If dehydrated it will fire glutomate internally which is responsible for depression and violence. It was suggested that hydration, food, and sensory activities should be practiced every two hours. We take away the child's need for aggression and violence (survival skills) by meeting their needs and giving voice, which helps them heal. The gift of voice is the first gift that needs to be given back to them.
• Children perceive what you're communicating mostly from your warmth and tone of your voice, 65% body language, 1/3 tone. Only 7-8% perceive from your actual words. Talk less, listen more and connect. Use slow words, firm tone, strength in your body language. When danger drops, drop yourself back, ask for more words/their voice, ask for compromise/two positive choices.
• Coach your child(ren) to respond better. Be proactive and positive – rather than stopping action, child begins to stop intention. Find the right words that speak life values repeatedly to their age level. You want them to listen and obey when we ask, not threaten:
"You wanna try that again with kindness/respect?"; "Listen and obey the first time"; "You want a do-over/re-do?"; "Do you want to ask me for a compromise?"
We give a primitive brain stem message because the kids we serve can only process a small amount of info. at a time. The region of the brain that tells you are safe and can connect with others enables you to use your words.
• Create/Connect/Correct through play. We have noticed with our foster son that if he gets in his "no" mode there is nothing we can do if we continue to fight the yes/no battle – he simply turns up the defiancy and power struggle. Instead, we have learned to offer him choices or a compromise and you can almost "see" him coming down from the protective mountain and moving away from his "fight, flight, or freeze" mode. Child doesn't need more control, they need more connection. When they act up, we tend to raise structure when we really need to raise nurture. Do your children believe you by what you say or by what you threaten? 
 • If your child needs structure, you give them nurture and you impede growth; If your child needs nurture, you give them structure then you impede trust.
• Caregivers often can't see the needs of their kids in their care because they haven't healed from their own history. Pay attention to the trends/memories/associations from your past that impact your parenting – love them through their journey, you have to be on your own road to healing. "If you don't pay attention to way you're paying attention to you will not see a change." – Curt Thompson
• The design in nature, biologically ordained, is for a child to whimper and a caregiver to respond. Those responses from the caregivers are saying "yes" to the child. We say thousands of "yeses" to a little one in the first two years of life before we have to say our first no. These yeses are what build trust. For the child that did not get all those "yeses", it takes about one month per year of age of the child of intense therapeutic mentoring and support to bring a child from a hard place to healing and trust.
• During pregnancy is the most dramatic stage of brain development, therefore, the most potential damaging time for a child if mother is under stress. Other major stages of brain development are during first year of life, and ages 5, 8, 12, and 16.
• Feeling valued and safe gives you seratonin which is major ingredient for self-regulation. Eye contact gives you a slope in dopamine which can bring joy, pleasure, memory, and learning. Other things that raise seratonin are touch, nutrition, carb-complex foods, giving voice, and sharing power.
• Don't let your expectations manage you. Flexibility is your friend, expectations are your enemy.
• If your child's anger makes you angry you can't be emotionally available to help him. You are there, but not with. We were called by God to enter in and He is with us. "I will come to you," promises our Lord. Lay down your expectations so you can be your child's resonator. "I hear you, I see you, I feel you, I experience you. I want to understand, tell me more."
• Behavior is an expressed need, misbehavior always has a purpose/function. Stop wind and rain when your child uses words, not behavior in expressing need.
• Research proves brain chemistry is changed with human touch. Find a "bridge" activity.
• Did you know there are calming and alerting foods we eat that talk to our brain chemistry? Sweet foods are calming (hello, chocolate!) and sour foods are alarming. Water is key for hydration.
• 90% of behavior is stopped at the spark, not the blaze.
• Kids can forgive us for our mistakes when they know our heart is with them. This will carry them through. If you have a child older than 20 min. you've likely already messed up, it's ok.
• There is no child that cannot come to deep healing.
• "In understanding the call to adoption know 1. It won't be easy; 2. It will be worth it; 3. Because of numbers 1, 2, don't go at it alone." – Amy and Michael Monroe. God equips the called.
• "I wish I would have known to treat him like a newborn, and not try to play catch-up." – Debra Jones, founder of www.parentingadopteescantrust.com
• Read ch. 7 of "The Connected Child," and discover what your parenting style is
• This conference is the first place I have ever heard of Trust-based Parenting. Look for fear and pain behind the behavior, help the child self-regulate and find their voice.
• Commit to learning and "un-learning"
• Develop a T.E.A.M. (T - Therapist and Counselors; E - Extended Family and Friends; A - Academic Environments and Support; M - Medical Providers)
• Help build confidence, let them know they can win. Mark each task as good and one-forward step. Set them up for success, no matter how low you have to lower the bar initially. Don't wait until perfection in behavior to take off, expect they want to be connected and lead the way.
• Connected Discipline vs. Distancing Discipline: Time-in vs. time-out; bring the child closer vs. sending him away; resolution vs. consequences; problem solving vs. lectures and sermons; advocacy stance vs. adversary
• You may find a favorite strategy in parenting, but it's important to layer them. Dr. Purvis has used 17 tools in 5 minutes before.
• In some instances, an immediate re-do brings shame so just let it go until they self-regulate and know they're precious and safe, then discuss the re-do of behavior for memory correction. Choose nurture before structure.
• Handle "trama"versaries by welcoming their story. Embrace their grief, don't try to fix/edit their painted roses story. They'll eventually open up to the reality of the pain experienced. Let them know their feelings are normal. Be sensitive in knowing these moments can be trigger moments and also opportunities for connection.

As for our boys, we can't just ask anyone to watch our foster son. Though my mom is a state-approved caregiver for him, she isn't approved to watch him overnight. We wanted to protect his fear of going to a random respite care family – nearly each time he's moved to the next foster home he was told they went on a trip of some kind and he didn't see them again, and he's finally made it home to us, his sixth home away from home – we couldn't bare putting him through that as we wanted him to be reassured we were coming back for him after our weekend away. So, thank you to our dear friends who are also on this foster-adopt journey with us. He knows their family and their kids well, and they were open arms to watch him for the weekend. The transition went smoothly for both drop-off and pick-up, and he never questioned our return for him. He knew he was with safe people and he's learned to trust us. Thank you Andy and Lea for helping settle our hearts for our first weekend away from him, for taking in our other son too, and for the cool tie-dye shirts :) Before we left for the conference our foster son wished for us to stay home. We explained how we were going to learn how to be better parents, but he pleaded that we are already great parents. His sentiment melted our hearts, but we reminded him how all of us are always learning from one another.

As we walk with deep joy through "the sufferings of this present time" (Romans 8:18-23) for God's glory and the good of children needing families around this globe.