On to the next stage: Triage

Part 3 to Truth Tellers

Where you see purple is where I've quoted the words of Jen Hatmaker because of the commonality of the adoption process and her beautiful way in which she put it in words.

On to the next stage: Triage (4-8 months)

We have each just begun to jump two feet in to this stage. I hope to be able to come back to this post and truly say it's 90% wonderful and 10% doing better than "ugly" – but as a friend who commented on my last post reiterated, ugly is in fact beautiful because the Lord makes beauty out of ashes. In this stage, you will hold on to the bigger picture – the progress you do see in your foster or adopted child's daily living which is the evidence that the Lord is at work in your child and yourself/spouse, and the promise of redemptive power over hurting hearts only He can give.

You continue to wait to hear if we are still top priority for giving this child a safe, loving, and healthy home. If you're a foster-to-adopt family any time at all we could GET THE CALL and he's gone in a week's time – just like that. You brace yourselves for this. You begin making a life book of their journey because no one has attempted to put the puzzle pieces together for your child yet. You work on it each night trying to fill in the holes with information, pictures, or memories of theirs to include just in case you get the call that they are no longer yours. You want them to have this life book for the next stepping stone. You think ahead of when they become an adult and question to yourself, What would he/she wish to remember about their life and this season? How can we honor their birth parents and birth family?

You research more. You dive into specifics as you custom tailor how you understand your child's emotions and past experiences. You learn more ways to dig through all the junk and let their heart breathe, let your heart breathe, and help them see they can re-train their response – the way their brain has learned to function. You know evidence of their preciousness and tenderness will keep showing itself. You will see their real self more clearly and more often. They feel safer with you and continue to try out the idea of fitting into your family, not just using you as a stepping stone and gift-giver. Maybe your role as Trauma Counselor won't be forever. You try to put some of your family's normal routine back in schedule – activities like family bike rides and after dinner walks.

You find ways to praise him above the standard expectations, like "Thank you for asking so nicely."
You find that things you've learned from "The Connected Child," like the Praise-Sandwich work.

Ok, even if you're not on the foster or adoptive journey, my husband and I agree this could work in all relationships, even adult ones. If you have to say no, sandwich it with two positive statements on either end. For example, "I am so glad you asked in a kind way to have another snack before dinner, but I'm cooking right now and we'll eat very soon. You may hold onto the snack and if you eat all your dinner you can have it. Thank you for doing so well understanding." Ha! You've got them, they don't even know what's hit them. Or I guess for an adult conversation it could go like this, "Thank you for understanding my need to get this task done. As soon as you get the laundry washed or toilets disinfected we can enjoy family time together. I appreciate you seeing my love language and being such a great spouse." OK – my husband will read this and know what's up my sleeve. Nothing will work to get him to scrub those toilets. But that's fine with me, he does the bills. All relationships have roles and give and take, right?

So, we keep triaging some days. We celebrate most days. And we keep waiting. To see the determined choice for this child's outcome which only God knows. Thank God He knows.