Recommended Reading: Telling the Truth

As part of maintaining an approved status of Foster Parent through Bethany Christian Services, my husband and I must each do 20 training hours each year. If we were adoptive parents I believe it would be 10 hours/ea./yr. for training. Yes that can seem rigorous to some, but you can't trade the knowledge you take-in on some great books I've come across, training videos of adopted children who now speak as adults about their life growing up, and in-person classes we've experienced.
So, though the time is required, I have found some key points invaluable, and worth sharing with you.
From time to time I'll share these here.

Telling the Truth to your Adopted or Foster Child: Making sense of the Past

Authors: Betsy Keefer and Jayne E. Schooler

I found this book on the shelf of our local library and noted some very key information that has helped us as we prepare our foster child on the journey. I’ve noted some points we took away as practical for all of us as we go day by day:

• Learn to be alert for anniversary reactions. As with other grief reactions, the child may begin to experience anniversary reactions at the time of his birthday or his adoption or significant histories in their lives. Instead of allowing the child to suffer in silence with these feelings, parents should anticipate the child’s feeling and help him express it. Because the child will rarely bring up the subject of adoption, parents should look for opportunities to let children know they are not threatened or angry about questions regarding birth family and history.

• Let children know they can love two sets of parents. Because children at this stage (8-12 years) are concerned about fairness and loyalty, they are likely to believe that they are disloyal to the adoptive family if they have feelings, or even questions, about the birth family; they do not have to choose. Explaining to the child that adults are allowed to love more than one child in a family can alleviate some of that struggle.

• When children aren’t talking about adoption, don’t assume they aren’t thinking about it. Adoptive parents sometimes interpret children’s reluctance to discuss adoption as an indication that they know their story.

• Try to keep from responding to the child’s anger with more anger. If parents can understand that much of their child’s anger is generated by his “rejection” by others in their lives, and not aimed at them, they might not over-respond to angry outbursts. When an angry teen asserts that he wants to leave the family, try to hear this as a question instead of a statement. He is not saying, “I am leaving!” He is asking, “Will you keep me, no matter what? Will you abandon me too?”

• Some adoptive parents have encouraged children to make Mother’s Day cards for the birth mothers to be kept in a special scrapbook. These can be saved and later given to the birth mother if a reunion occurs at some point in the child’s future. Merely making such cards for the birth mother seems to help many adopted children express feelings and cope more effectively during this difficult time.

• Don’t try to “fix” the pain of adoption.  All parents try to naturally try to protect their children from pain. However, adoptive parents must recognize that their child must experience some pain in the normal resolution of adoption-related grief. The only way “out” is “through.”

• Don’t impose value judgements on the information of past history. The child’s feelings for, or memories of, the birth family may alter his perception of events. And his need to have positive feelings for his birth family will definitely color his perceptions.

• A child should have control of telling his story outside the immediate family. Remember that the history belongs to the child, not to the adoptive parents. If friends or extended family memners ask about sensitive information, simply tell them that the information belongs to the child. They can ask him about it when he is old enough to understand their questions. Explain that some people don’t have a lot of experience with adoption and might ask insensitive questions or make ridiculous remarks.

1.     Discuss questions people might ask and the situations the child might encounter.

2.     Talk about what information should be shared. (as simple as name, origin, and date they joined the family could be enough; others need to respect boundaries.)

• Children most often know the truth – the lived it,” comments Greg Keck, an internationally recognized authority on attachment and bonding. “We need to validate their truth, document their truth, and when possible, show them the truth. Trauma is subjective. Therefore, we must present the facts as they were, and then it becomes the child’s job to reframe it, repackage it, and put it together in their understandable form.” Keck said, “I think that in our efforts to protect hurt children, we often hurt them more. Somehow we want things to be nice or seem nice. I think that as a result of this, we want to reframe things so that they are comfortable enough for us to tolerate. In doing this, we often leave [children] incomplete, confused, and more unclear that they were. We as parents often want to change our child’s past reality. That is not our job,” Keck pointed out.

• The book also offers ways to share age-appropriate information to a child on various issues like drugs and physical abuse, and other forms which may have placed them in care.

• Tools are outlined to aid interactive communication from parent to child like a lifebook, life map, eco map, family tree, family collage, bibliotherapy/videos, pretend play with a phone or puppets, tell or write a story, pick a feeling card, card game to help them understand various adult roles in life (foster/adoptive family and professional), and write a letter or journal.

• Understand in Transracial adoption – listen more, talk less. Be the bridge builder and be ok that I can’t be a part of their culture that doesn’t include you. You need to understand your child’s experience, not direct the action.

The above points sum up all that we took from the book and are learning or continuing to apply. I would recommend this book for potential and current foster and adoptive parents.