When you welcome an older child into your home there are many times when you have to decide how to celebrate new memories of family connections together. There also are many memories from their family history, though often times painful, all shaped your child before they came into your loving arms.
Conversations of these memories arise around holidays and special events, or a memory can be triggered by the smell of the changing seasonal air, a car that drives by, or music that we are singing our hearts out to on the radio. A school project of the family tree or when you must describe what love is for Valentine's Day, are more of these situations where memories are dug up – what does our child choose to do? Does he remember his good and bad memories with his birth family, or does he paint those times as rosy and ideal, or does he celebrate his new family, or all of it? These are difficult waters for a child to navigate and they come pounding the shores very often.
Sometimes a memory pops up while we are on a family bike ride having a blast conquering challenging trails – and then the world suddenly stops for a moment, for him, for all of us. He's sad or he's angry – and so we help him through those times and try to point him toward Jesus who is the only one who can bring complete restoration, healing, and forgiveness beyond what we think we can do on our own.
So here we are with a special holiday around the corner. It's nearly Easter and I'm reminded while it's about new life, our foster son is learning that new life doesn't mean forgetting the past. It simply means choosing to allow the past to no longer have control over his spirit and giving it to the Lord – he struggles with this; we all do, don't we? Breathe that in, deep breath, come on – we all have a choice to choose new life offered to us from the Lord who sent His son to die for us 2,000+ years ago. We are given new life eternally by Christ paying for our past and future sins, way past the times and troubles of this world. It's so simple, yet we make it so hard, don't we? Our son remembers what he chooses and is working on moving forward in allowing the Lord to bring him through healing and becoming part of the Lord's grand purpose He has for his life.
This week we have been prepping an old paint pail to paint our foster son's Easter bucket. I did the same years ago for our other son and as always our foster son is excited to be a part of family tradition. I explained how he will add his growing fingerprint to the pail each year, sort of like a yearly measurement chart marked for growth and memories.
His yearning to belong longer than he's been in our arms becomes more and more evident with the passing days. He shared with me this sentiment, "I want to go back and add one fingerprint for each year, like I was here already growing up. I wish I was born from you guys so I wouldn't have to have adoption." He has an ongoing desire to make up for missed memories, a bittersweet thing to hear as a parent, because although we can't change his past we are here with him now to help him rebuild and start fresh memories, new life. And so I let go of the type-A side of me, which thought we can't pretend add fingerprints because he wasn't living with us until 2012. Instead I wrapped my arms around him and told him we can add as many fingerprints/years to his Easter pail as he wants to. I reminded him that God knew all along he would walk into our arms and lives and so we will celebrate his pretend marked growth as if he was always a part of our family as he so desires. So we've got the paint pail cleaned out, the base layers painted, and I've got to find time to complete it's details, but the most important elements are there – the fingerprints and pretend corresponding years, and the love that's bonding through these new memories.
I often feel that same way, if I could really let go of past pain and only mark the good memories, but if I am to really mark true growth, it would include the harder memories too. Pain can shape us, giving us negative perspectives on trust and relationships. Pain can drive us to fear, anxiety, anger, depression, and darkness. However, one of Jesus' close followers, Paul, during his persecution for his belief in Jesus as the one and true God, shares how to allow the more difficult days to mature us in our faith in God who is greater. He tells us to "give glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." (Romans 5: 3-5) If we lay our past pain and strongholds on our lives at Jesus' feet He will shape us, rather than allowing those negative events to take hold of us.
Easter is a reminder that nothing can conquer our Lord; not death, not our past pains, not our future mistakes, nothing. He is greater and the Lord adopts us into His family if we are willing. We hope our foster son will learn to let that reassurance seep into his soul while we mark new healing memories together.
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